I feel like I've failed as a man.

[Dreams2014]

Does any other MtF ever get this?

Perhaps I'm just fretting. But it's really confusing and difficult to get my head around this gender issue. I've said before that I only tend to feel happy in my gender when sex is on the brain, and that's probably due to the power of testosterone over my body, as it drives the urges.

But then I also have this nagging feeling, like I've not done enough sexually as a man, and I've only had one long term girlfriend and there's so much more as a man that I could experience. I have this horrible feeling in my mind that if I transition it's like I'm not good enough to be a man? Not in any way saying that men are better than woman, but I mean me personally. Like I've failed. I don't know if I'm articulating this well enough, or if I'm just talking nonsense, but I'd like to know if anybody else has felt like this.

Oh gender issues are far from easy.

[Jamie D]

Not sure what you define as "success" at being a man, but if it were me, I would be more worried about being my authentic self.  I had some sort of male success and it didn't really help how I felt deep inside.

[Paulette]

Well, check your panties.  Man or woman? 
Now check your brain. Man or woman?

Which is correct?  Neither.

You are yourself. The social construct in your head is what you're comparing yourself to and trying to live up to.  Whatever that construct is, it isn't you.  Only you are you.

For myself, I've found that I'm often one or the other, but mostly neither - I'm just here.  Just "me."  You can only know what you feel like, never what someone else feels like, man or woman. Everything else is just what you've been taught to believe about men, women, trans, queers, etc. So if you want to experience something, just do it. If you like it, do it again!

It also seems that you are looking within for validation, and that's the right place to look. But don't accept what you think you're supposed to think. Of course we'd all like to be sexual champs, but it more often has to do with whether we feel like tops or bottoms, aggressive or passive. It's nice to be either or enjoy either, but many people are only comfortable being one or the other, not both.  Few can switch without pretending or playing a role.

So you try to be authentic, whatever that is for you.

[Jessica Merriman]

It's because you are not a man, but a woman and yes, we mtf all, I think, feel this way until we realize we are not men. We were born different yet society took our real selves away because of the outside's we have. Perfectly normal feelings until you accept you are female just like me. Acceptance is VERY freeing. Take care baby, you will be alright. PM me if you want to hear my story.

[Ciara]

Dreams,
I don't believe that I have failed as a man. I would prefer that I had never been a man but unfortunately life decided otherwise. I am proud of my life achievements as a man. I have been married to a beautiful woman for 28 years. We have two wonderful adult children. I love them all dearly.
I do however understand what you are saying. Testosterone does drive us albeit we may prefer to be driven by a different hormone. You should never allow yourself feel inadequate in any way. Do the best you can with what life gave you. If you can change that and transition to a girl then all the better for you.
The important thing is that you are happy in yourself so that you can love life.
I hope this made sense.
Ciara.

[Sammy]

For the beginning - have You ever been one? Being on this site is quite a marker that You dont really identify Yourself as a man too. And what does it mean to be an accomplished man? To have X sexual encounters with Y women and be sexually outgoing and active? Trust me, those guys are seriously lacking in other departments and half of their stories are BS anyway.
Most of the things men can do, can be done by women as well - sometimes better, sometimes not (and sometimes getting assisted by testosterone does help), but that is not the measure of success. What matters is to live Your life happily and let others live theirs too - and if You can do that, then it does not matter what is in Your panties. But the question still remains - can You live Your life happily as a man? Or...?

[Robin Mack]

I *think* that is pretty natural.  For me, when I first admitted to myself what a part of me had known all along; really consciously admitted I was in the wrong body.  At that point I really had a lot of introspection, looking back on my life as a male.  I didn't do *too* badly... well, apart from that whole puberty thing.  Oh, and being completely out of place all my life.  That time I wanted a doll when my dad took me to the store and it really upset him.  Oh, and always wanting to wear girl clothes... and wishing I had breasts, and that a particular unit was absent...

That's kind of how my mind went.  It is a *huge* change to contemplate... and I don't think any of us can truly realize how far the journey will go or where it will end.  I may never be able to afford bottom surgery, but I *do* know that presenting as female, interacting with the world as a woman, I finally feel "right".  Of course, I'm nearly forty, and I've had a lot of experiences... and I know myself well enough to know that I'm not going to miss a certain unit when/if I can finally be rid of it. 

But thinking about my kids, what it will mean to them that they never really had a "father" in the male sense, that my masculinity was a sham, a facade... wow.  That hurt.  Still does, in fact.

I can also identify with the "when sex is on the brain" thing... when I was younger, twenties and early thirties, I could make it.  When pheromones and hormones were going and the passion was high, yeah, I could "be a man" successfully.  That kept me thinking for a while that I could not possibly be trans. 

All I can say is, work with a therapist, tell her or him about these questions and work it out.  For a while in the transition, things will be reversible, but after a several months on AA's you'll be infertile.  Your brain will start to change, and from what I've read it's irreversible, too.  Transitioning is bad enough without having to go through it again to de-transition... best to be certain.

It's also possible you're somewhere in the middle between male and female, and you will need to work out exactly where you are comfortable. 

Not sure what you define as "success" at being a man, but if it were me, I would be more worried about being my authentic self.  I had some sort of male success and it didn't really help how I felt deep inside.

Yep... that's what I'm talking about. 

And the sense of failure could just be the last vestiges of social programming.  Males are taught all their life that to be female is to be weak.  To cry is to be weak, because that acting "like a girl".  To express your feelings="weak"="girl".  To not be strong enough="weak"="girl", and it goes on and on.  I never bought into that crap, I hated it, but it still had an effect on me.

If you determine that truly, you want to be a woman and that the tiny percentage of the time you spend having sex isn't enough to make you be happy being a man, chances are you are a woman inside. 

To me, looking back on my "success" as a man is somewhat like looking back on a previous job, now.  Did I really work as well as I could?  Did I leave a lasting impact?  What can I take from my experiences there into my new role?

The trick was, I think I did ok in that role, considering I was a poor match for the environment and I really wasn't qualified for the job.  As a woman, I'm actually pretty damned proud of the job I did passing as a man. 

*hug*  You are certainly not alone.

[Dreams2014]

But the question still remains - can You live Your life happily as a man? Or...?

My sex drive tells me yes, my mind tells me no.

If you determine that truly, you want to be a woman and that the tiny percentage of the time you spend having sex isn't enough to make you be happy being a man, chances are you are a woman inside. 

This is what I believe as well. My great fear though is that I fear losing my sexuality. Right now I know that I can have sex. But the prospect of it has become a chore, some hunger that needs to be satisfied. It's like rushing down a quick breakfast in the morning when you're on a right schedule. But I fear to lose it. It's a tough situation. But I know in my mind that if the sexuality issue were taken out of the equation, I'd have no desire to be male. So really, I know I'm a woman, I just don't know how to come to terms with leaving the sexuality that I've known for years behind. =/

[ukftminneed]

iv never felt like I failed as the gender I was born , because iv never been that gender

[Robin Mack]

I can imagine that... from everything I've read (my HRT journey is waiting in January) the tyrany of desire will decrease with the absence of testosterone, but chances are good that the equipment will work just fine for a good deal of time to come; it may just take more coaxing (if you *want* it to work).  Apparently with the absence of testosterone comes a respite from the constant demands.  I think I never really had much T at all, certainly not in the past several years.  I will be interested to see what my levels are when they take a baseline before I start.

As it is, I can say at near-forty I am much less driven to have sex than I was before at any time in my life, and I am very happy about that.  Most times with my girlfriend we ignore the unit's existence, which works for me; I've long described my sexual "preference" as "lesbian with extra bits, boys sometimes on the side as long as they don't have to touch it".  As if THAT wasn't a clue. 

[Sammy]

As someone who went from asexual (was a blessing, in fact) to hypersexual (it was quite pleasant, but ultimately a curse), I can assure that the HRT will take care of that. In Your case the HRT will be Your litmus paper test for Your assumed male identity. If that identity is strong enough - there will be issues and You will notice them soon enough. If not - things will just go unnoticed . And believe me, I had those worries too - when I said that I was hypersexual I did not underestimate it. My male libido was extra high, it just demanded and demanded - every day, week after week and sometimes it could go for hours. When You are in Your twenties, it is like kinda fun, but when You are in Your thirties - it starts getting annoying. Nevertheless, I was a bit afraid, because I was scared that my male identity would be struggling because of loosing this hyperdrive. But... I actually never noticed it going away until it was already gone .

[Dreams2014]

As someone who went from asexual (was a blessing, in fact) to hypersexual (it was quite pleasant, but ultimately a curse), I can assure that the HRT will take care of that. In Your case the HRT will be Your litmus paper test for Your assumed male identity. If that identity is strong enough - there will be issues and You will notice them soon enough. If not - things will just go unnoticed . And believe me, I had those worries too - when I said that I was hypersexual I did not underestimate it. My male libido was extra high, it just demanded and demanded - every day, week after week and sometimes it could go for hours. When You are in Your twenties, it is like kinda fun, but when You are in Your thirties - it starts getting annoying. Nevertheless, I was a bit afraid, because I was scared that my male identity would be struggling because of loosing this hyperdrive. But... I actually never noticed it going away until it was already gone .

As primitive as it sounds, I'm battling with this thought that I need to have more before I transition? Like I've not had enough sex or something? It sounds so primitive, and I know it's ridiculous, but it's like it just dictates it to me. I can't help it. So much uncertainty!

[Ciara]

My sex drive tells me yes, my mind tells me no.

This is what I believe as well. My great fear though is that I fear losing my sexuality. Right now I know that I can have sex. But the prospect of it has become a chore, some hunger that needs to be satisfied. It's like rushing down a quick breakfast in the morning when you're on a right schedule. But I fear to lose it. It's a tough situation. But I know in my mind that if the sexuality issue were taken out of the equation, I'd have no desire to be male. So really, I know I'm a woman, I just don't know how to come to terms with leaving the sexuality that I've known for years behind. =/

If your sex drive is your only male identifier, you are not a man. I think you already know that you are a girl. Take your time coming to terms with losing your male drive but remember all that you will recieve in return....and remember also that girls have sex drive too!!

[ErinM]

I never felt like I failed as a man, but that I failed to be a man. One I came to understand that I am trans I no loner see it as a failure at all except perhaps in my honesty to myself.

That said I have an entire upper level of a two car garage filled with power tools that I inherited from my dad and grandfathers that I'll never use. I jokingly refer to it as my "Monument to Male Fail".

[Taka]

i used to be terrified of failing as a woman. did my utmost to be perfect, when that failed, i tried a relationship. in the end i even had a child.

and that's when i realized there's nothing more i could possibly do to be woman enough, and it still hadn't made me into a real woman. it was so bad that i was almost disappointed that my first child was only one, because i knew i wouldn't do this again ever. if i had twin, at least they'd be two...

i'm happy to have a child, but after the experience, i'm still not convinced i wouldn't have been just as happy if i never had a child, and just figured out much sooner that the reason i was so desperate to prove myself as a woman was that i already knew i'm not really one, and i never will be.

so, how many descendants do you need before you're convinced that there never was a point trying to be something you are not?

[Lesley_Roberta]

Fail as a man? Well ya of course I failed as a man, I mean, I'm not one

Does it bother me? Well why would it?

Now if I fail at being a woman, I might be annoyed.

[Randi]

I was absolutely convinced that I was a girl in my earlier years.

By the fifth and sixth grades I became aware that my girl friends were changing in one direction and I was changing in the other.

By the time I was 16 years old a slightly younger, but more experienced girl took a liking to me and over the period of a few months seduced me and taught me to have sex with her.  To make it work I had to dis-associate my brain from my body.  I had to "step outside" and let my body do what it wanted to.  I concentrated on what the girl was feeling and how she was reacting.

Strangely enough, this worked.  Not only with that girl, but with many others.  I learned to let go of my body and let it act on it's own, while I tried to project my mind into the girl's body.

From age 16 to 56, a period of 40 years I was able to fake it.  I had a normal, successful life and career and have a very talented and highly educated adult daughter now.

In my mid-fifties as my testosterone began to fail, I could no longer keep up the pretense.  In recent years I've had to admit to myself that I was never really male.

Now at age 64, I'm retired from a successful career and am 31 years into a successful marriage with a woman who loves me very much and actually seems to enjoy sex with her formerly male husband.

Transitioning earlier would not have worked well for me.  Some might say that I'm not really transsexual.  I believe I always was transsexual, but was able to get a "suspended sentence" for 40 years.

No one should transition any sooner they they "have to" or go any further than the "need to".

Randi

As primitive as it sounds, I'm battling with this thought that I need to have more before I transition? Like I've not had enough sex or something? It sounds so primitive, and I know it's ridiculous, but it's like it just dictates it to me. I can't help it. So much uncertainty!

[Megumi]

i used to be terrified of failing as a woman. did my utmost to be perfect, when that failed, i tried a relationship. in the end i even had a child.

and that's when i realized there's nothing more i could possibly do to be woman enough, and it still hadn't made me into a real woman. it was so bad that i was almost disappointed that my first child was only one, because i knew i wouldn't do this again ever. if i had twin, at least they'd be two...

i'm happy to have a child, but after the experience, i'm still not convinced i wouldn't have been just as happy if i never had a child, and just figured out much sooner that the reason i was so desperate to prove myself as a woman was that i already knew i'm not really one, and i never will be.

so, how many descendants do you need before you're convinced that there never was a point trying to be something you are not?

I want to give you a big big hug! Minus never having a child I have the exact same feelings on "trying" to be a man that I never was.

[Sammy]

I never felt like I failed as a man, but that I failed to be a man.

Oh, the words of true wisdom . Many of us have had successes as men - we can see it in disbelieving eyes of our family members, friends, colleagues when we come out to them - "But... but You are so /insert Your adjective here/... and never was /insert another opposite one here /. Well, in the long term, that did not help us and we are where we are now .
ErinM, You have powertools - I have swords, armor and survivalist stuff .

[Heather]

Failed as a man? Oh please being a man is so easy in fact that's why bumped up the difficulty level and became a woman. But really I don't see myself as failing anything being a man wasn't for me but I sure didn't fail at it. I don't fail at anything and I proved that even if you put me in a male body this girl still succeeds and shows the men how it's done.