Julia,
I'm really touched by your and your spouse's words; you and your spouse must both be some pretty special, wonderful individuals, and please let her know I would love to get to know her better, and will try to do better at being a support and listening ear. I feel a little bad, because I probably should have given her more affirmation. She took a very brave step in the post she made. For a spouse dealing with the the emotions she is going through, it shows a good heart and open mind to reach out and seek help on this site the way she did. With the understandably difficult feelings and anger and stress she is going through...she needs someone who understands being in that place, to say, "I know, I've been there too, you have a lot on your shoulders; let me wrap my arm around you, while you tell me all about it, I'll be a listening ear, let you know you are not alone and help you find the stepping stones that helped me along my path." She certainly did not need to be given the message that her feelings were invalid or that she should feel bad about having them, which I'm afraid might have been the unintended emotional message she might have felt from my first reply.
While it is very true that understanding on both a deep emotional level and intellectual level what it has meant/means for my spouse to be transgender, has been crucial for helping me respond to our situation in a positive way; one cannot get to that place of emotional empathy and understanding when they have not been able to process any understandable fear, (and the resulting hurt and anger.) When you feel threatened, it is almost impossible to have a sense of empathy or compassion for what you feel threatened by.
I was very fortunate to have been able to develop my understanding before I felt any or much personal fear or threat of my life being turned upside down.* I feel inordinately lucky to have escaped that emotional mine field, but I have had small tastes of what that would have been like, and know that chance could have made my experience very different. I feel a lot of compassion for those who have not been as fortunate, and admiration for those who have walked that hard emotional road with grace, trying to balance fear, hurt, loss, confusion, grief and uncertainty, with their love and care for their spouse.
I had numerous things prepare me for understanding and hope, instead of fear, all before I had even the slightest inkling my spouse had any gender issues; that this would be a challenge we would face together in my life. It is so much easier when everything is in the realm of theoretical and fear is removed, to explore ideas and gain new understanding and flexibility.
*(Many of the other couples I have run into who have happily stayed together, it seems the spouse has been given this "safe space" and time where they don't feel too scared that they are losing control of their life, a place to come to understanding while NOT under much pressure or fear. Sometimes circumstances afford this, and when they do, it can be a real gift to a relationship. But that means the transgender individual has to be in a place where they can wait (and showing the sort of selfless love and care for their spouse that you seem to have, Julia), and their spouse must be self motivated to learn, to understand the needs and experiences of their transgender loved one, to eventually come to choose for themselves out of love and concern for the well being of their spouse, and a deep understanding of their needs, to try to envision their future in new ways; ways that they can make a happy, hopeful future together that meets everyone's needs.)
I would like to say to cecile1973, first, a big hug to you. Second, your feelings are completely understandable, and don't for a second feel bad about yourself for having them. Being open about them to others in a positive support setting is an important and brave step in the right direction. I admire you, and just want to give you a hug!
You need to hear about others who have been there and truly get what you are going through. You need to be able to express your own difficulties and emotions.
I know for me, that also hearing about others in my shoes that had positive experiences, helped open my eyes to new possibilities, and gave me permission to have more positive feelings myself. It was like, "Oh...that's an option to understand things that way and feel that way?" But we need to hear about those things without feeling like the feelings we currently are experiencing are being invalidated, trivialized, misunderstood, dismissed, or that we are being condemned for them. It is a process of respect for yourself first, and understanding your own emotions, that lets you move in a positive direction.
I recently was given advice from someone else, and others here have said the same thing; when facing something so big, it is more manageable to take it one small piece at a time.
I hope you will find supportive and helpful hands here to help you, and that I can be one such friend.
Love to both of you,
Felice
