My mom demands I see a straight therapist that doesn't deal with lgbt issues

[Ltl89]

I just wanted to rant.  My mom has been noticing my progress and is getting very frustrated.  On Wednesday, she begged to bribe me with anything she could to prevent this from happening.  After that failed, she told me that she will kidnap me and send me to a foreign country.  I let it go and lived another day.  Tonight, she decided to start again.  She believes that she shoud have control over my life and what I do.  Since I am her child, she feels that she has a right to set the general course of my life  .   I'm okay with her having a tough time and learning to cope, but it gets annoying when she makes demands.  Because she demands it, I have to go to a therapist that is straight and does not deal with lgbt clientel.  As though I'm going to come out of the session and say "oh, yay!  I'm a macho man!  And I just learned that I really love girls sexually! Awesome!"  Seriously, what sort of fantasy is this.  She even told me that gay people should suck it up and just learn to be straight.  I'll go through her charade and see the "straight therapist" she finds because I have no choice, but it's annoying.  At the very least, she is willing to see someone for me in order to gain some understanding.  Hopefully that will get her to come around. 

In any event, not everything is rotten in Denmark, but it's frustrating.  Still, I do appreciate my mom allowing me to live at home and use her health insurance.  That shows what an awesome person she is and that's why I feel obligated to try everything she requests.  Sure, I will now be helping with a good portion of the bills now that I have employment, but that's okay and to be expected.  She's the best person in the world and I love her so much.  I just don't get why she can't try to understand and it kills me.  It's hard to explain.  Imagine your favorite person in the world smashing you and your dreams down.   That aside, she really is a caring mother, and I realize how hard this is for her.  She would do anything for me and my sisters and she is a lovely person outside of this.  I just wish she would try to learn about trans issues as I have been as accommodating to her as possible.  It should go both ways.

Sorry for the rant, I just had to get it out there.  I'll try to be less negative and more positive in the future.  Forgive me. 

[DriftingCrow]

Sorry for the rant, I just had to get it out there.  I'll try to be less negative and more positive in the future.  Forgive me.

Never feel sorry, just let it all out. 

There's always give and take when living with someone else, but you shouldn't let your mom control this part of your life.

Maybe as a concession of sorts, you can try to see if she'd be interested with going to a counselor together who might help you two find a way to get past this and for your mom to accept you? Continue seeing the LGbt therapist if you're already seeing one.

[Sephirah]

Hmm, sweetie, something just struck me. Do you have any brothers?

[Ltl89]

Hmm, sweetie, something just struck me. Do you have any brothers?

No, only two older sisters.  I'm the "baby boy".  It's hard for her, I realize, but I wish she just tried a little.  the thing that gets me is that I've never been a typical boy.  Everyone would make jokes about how I'm gay and we even had talks about how gay people shouldn't feel bad about being themselves.  However, she has lost it with the whole trans thing and now expects me to turn into Mr. totally straight and totally cis.  I'm really trying to understand her plight and make it easier, but it's a give and take thing.

Never feel sorry, just let it all out. 

There's always give and take when living with someone else, but you shouldn't let your mom control this part of your life.

Maybe as a concession of sorts, you can try to see if she'd be interested with going to a counselor together who might help you two find a way to get past this and for your mom to accept you? Continue seeing the LGbt therapist if you're already seeing one.

I have no problem seeing an additional therapist, but she doesn't want me to see anyone with lgbt education or sympathies.  It's kind of important for a therapist to understand our community and what we go through.  I don't care whether they are gay or straight.  My current therapist is a lesbian that is well known in the trans community; however, my mom thinks that she is training me to join the dark side.  It's ridiculous.  I just want to speak with someone who understands me and what I'm going through, I could care less about who they sleep with.  What's their qualifications?  My mom on the other hand refuses me to see someone that understands are community and is totally straight.  Yeah, that marks a good therapist.

Again, I love my mom.  I hate complaining about her.  She really is my favorite person, but that's why it hurts so much.   I just want to be able to talk to her about stuff and feel we can have an open relationship.  I'm sick of the don't ask don't tell stuff and then an explosion when I cross the barrier. 

I'd rather not do family therapy because she won't allow me to speak and will just invaliadate my feelings.  I think she needs her own standalone therapist that can guide her to acceptance. 

[Sephirah]

No, only two older sisters.  I'm the "baby boy".  It's hard for her, I realize, but I wish she just tried a little.  the thing that gets me is that I've never been a typical boy.  Everyone would make jokes about how I'm gay and we even had talks about how gay people shouldn't feel bad about being themselves.  However, she has lost it with the whole trans thing and now expects me to turn into Mr. totally straight and totally cis.  I'm really trying to understand her plight and make it easier, but it's a give and take thing.

Hmm, okay, another question. Could it be possible that your mom is looking for people to blame for "turning" you into something she feels you wouldn't have been if she'd done something more, or differently? That because of that feeling, perhaps she also blames herself and now tries to control every aspect of your life in an attempt to, in her mind, do the right thing and keep you on the straight and narrow, as it were?

Maybe in a roundabout way, she's doing what she's doing out of love for you.

It just strikes me that if she didn't care, or didn't want the best for you, then she wouldn't care what you did. So maybe it's just her methodology which needs work, rather than her underlying attitude?

[mrs izzy]

I have seen this many times in the past and all i will say is:

Looks like a train wreck about to happen to your mental health and emotionl well-being.

I am sad you are being forced to deal with this.

Lots of luck and hugs.

Isabell

[Ltl89]

Hmm, okay, another question. Could it be possible that your mom is looking for people to blame for "turning" you into something she feels you wouldn't have been if she'd done something more, or differently? That because of that feeling, perhaps she also blames herself and now tries to control every aspect of your life in an attempt to, in her mind, do the right thing and keep you on the straight and narrow, as it were?

Maybe in a roundabout way, she's doing what she's doing out of love for you.

It just strikes me that if she didn't care, or didn't want the best for you, then she wouldn't care what you did. So maybe it's just her methodology which needs work, rather than her underlying attitude?

Sure, she certainly is acting out of love.  Like I said, she's a wonderful mother who loves her children with her whole heart.  And she does blame society and herself for failing me and turning me trans.  However, she has always been a bit controlling for the lack of a better word.  I've always felt pressure to be something I wasn't.  I remember crying as a child begging not to go to baseball practice, but I was a boy and that's what they do.  She always tried to socialize me into something I didn't feel I was or could be, so I could be a normal kid.  She did it out of love to make a normal boy, but it was annoying.  Though she did allow room for me to be myself in other ways too.  She didn't have a problem with me dressing up as a young kid and playing as female celebrities, she saw that as cute.  And she was okay that I originally wanted to go to a music college instead of getting a formal education and becoming a lawyer like my parents hoped (I changed my course and did go to a good school for poli-sci). So, I guess controlling isn't the proper word as I did have freedom in some ways.  I guess she has always been their to guide me and set the course, even when I didn't like the course she tried to set.  Now she feels she has no control and cannot guide me and is scared for that reason.  She keeps telling me people are going to hurt me and that my life will be hard.  This is a fear of hers because I was bullied as a kid and teen, so she doesn't want me to go through that again.  At the end of the day, she loves me and just wants me to have a nice life.  I truly love her for that, but I wish she would realize what I want out of my life and allow me to follow through with that without opposition. 

[Sephirah]

My hope is that when she sees you can have the life you want, no matter what it throws at you, and be happy doing so... I hope she will eventually see these fears are baseless and ease up on her grip somewhat.

Now she feels she has no control and cannot guide me and is scared for that reason.

That seems to sum up a lot of it, that one sentence. Maybe she also feels you won't need her anymore when you're living your own life. I know that's why my mum was so bitterly opposed to me joining the Navy. Not the same thing, I know, but she said I would never be able to cope, and that I'd crumble after a week. And heck, she wouldn't even speak to me for the first year, and refused to see me when I was home on leave. I found out years later that she was just angry because she felt I no longer needed her. She tried to keep me on a short leash so that I would always go to her, rely on her, be too scared to strike out on my own. She singlehandedly raised myself and my two brothers, she felt somehow we owed her I guess, and the thought that I could do anything in my life that she would have no input on, or experience with, scared her to death. Not for me, but because it left a huge hole in her life that she didn't know how to fill.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there.

*clears throat*

Sweetie, you know what's best for you. You'll get there. And I hope you get to a place with your mom where she does come to some form of acceptance of what you have to do. *hugs*

[Ltl89]

My hope is that when she sees you can have the life you want, no matter what it throws at you, and be happy doing so... I hope she will eventually see these fears are baseless and ease up on her grip somewhat.

That seems to sum up a lot of it, that one sentence. Maybe she also feels you won't need her anymore when you're living your own life. I know that's why my mum was so bitterly opposed to me joining the Navy. Not the same thing, I know, but she said I would never be able to cope, and that I'd crumble after a week. And heck, she wouldn't even speak to me for the first year, and refused to see me when I was home on leave. I found out years later that she was just angry because she felt I no longer needed her. She tried to keep me on a short leash so that I would always go to her, rely on her, be too scared to strike out on my own. She singlehandedly raised myself and my two brothers, she felt somehow we owed her I guess, and the thought that I could do anything in my life that she would have no input on, or experience with, scared her to death. Not for me, but because it left a huge hole in her life that she didn't know how to fill.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there.

*clears throat*

Sweetie, you know what's best for you. You'll get there. And I hope you get to a place with your mom where she does come to some form of acceptance of what you have to do. *hugs*

You're right in many ways.  My mom loves being the mother and making the path.  However,  I've always sort of been the emotional rock for my mother.  Someone should could go to and talk with.  I'm one of the few people in her life that she feels she can trust and open up to, I'd say even more than my two sisters.  We have a very special and close relationship.  I was always Mommy's little kitten (my odd nickname that she has hated forever) and she was momma kitten (yes, I'm a weirdo, lol).  Now, I'm someone causing distress in her life.   It sucks because that's not what I ever wanted to do.  Thank you for the kind words.  I'm working on making things better and having her accept the inevitable. 

Again, thank you for all your posts.  Your posts really do speak to me and always have such great feedback.  We are lucky to have you here.  Thanks.

[Sephirah]

You're right in many ways.  My mom loves being the mother and making the path.  However,  I've always sort of been the emotional rock for my mother.  Someone should could go to and talk with.  I'm one of the few people in her life that she feels she can trust and open up to, I'd say even more than my two sisters.  We have a very special and close relationship.  I was always Mommy's little kitten (my odd nickname that she has hated forever) and she was momma kitten (yes, I'm a weirdo, lol).

Maybe that's what she's scared of losing, hon. Maybe she has that association with you. Maybe partly she feels that you'll be more like your sisters and she'll lose that special bond she has with you. And part of the way to move forward with this is to reassure her that no matter what, you'll always be her little kitten. (That is so adorable, by the way).

It could be a lot of things, I know. Heck it could be a whole cocktail of different things. But knowing what I know about you, I have the intuitive feeling that you will pull through it. Both of you. And be the better for the journey.

Hang in there. *huggles*

[Edge]

Maybe the straight therapist will be able to help explain things to your mother. It's a possibility anyway. I hope your mother can learn to accept you and your independence.

[Ltl89]

Maybe the straight therapist will be able to help explain things to your mother. It's a possibility anyway. I hope your mother can learn to accept you and your independence.

That's a really good point.  I hope that is the case.  However, I think she is hoping for a therapist to tell her that I'm a deluded boy that lost his way early in childhood, but that everything is okay because I can be reprogrammed.  She isn't giving up on the dream anytime soon. 

[Ltl89]

Hey it's me the annoying venter again.  In any event, my mom keeps making weird threats to stop me and have me kidnapped.  It's getting a little scary.  I really really love my mom, seriously I do, but I can't take it and she has me worried.  Apparently, it's getting harder because the changes are noticeable to her and she isn;t pleased.  She keeps begging me to repress it.  And then my sister told me that I'll always be a man no matter what I do or how much I waaant to be female.  She even joked around saying she wants to be a llama.  It's annoying and messed up.  At least I have work and my endocrinology appointment to look forward to.  It's gets me away from the control freaks who demand I change for them.  I wouldn't care if I didn't love them so mych, but that's what makes it hard.  I wish I could control my emotions and just learn not to care.

Sorry just wanted to bitch and I'm tired exhanging tears with my family. 

[Sephirah]

Caring is part of what makes you who you are, sweetie. I know it's hard, but really... don't ever change that. It allows you to be there for others, to guide them, to feel the way they feel and offer support. It makes you a very special person.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through this. I hope that, when people see that no matter what they do, you won't be swayed from it, they will loosen their grip somewhat and maybe let you live the way you want to. I hope for that. Because it feels to me like you feel like you're wading through quicksand at the moment, trying to reach solid ground. And you deserve that. To be yourself.

I don't have any advice, just a hug.

*big hug*

Keep going. You will get there.

[Arch]

Wow, now that makes sense. If you were a bulimic adolescent, would she send you to a therapist who specializes in substance-abusing adults?

I cannot even imagine how frustrated you must be.