So much to think about... (the question of acceptance) family/work/future

[candie]

Tonight, talking with my man, we discussed the future, and what it could mean, with him being trans and also from a small town with a close family. No doubt even in the best of cases a rocky road to consider.

And I guess, right now, I'm just looking for a place to bounce thoughts around, and hopefully for people to respond, it's always nice (even when you KNOW you're not alone) to be reasured you aren't alone. I love his family, and am closer to his family, more than my own. They have accepted me for who I am, and love me... but as far as they know, I am lesbian, dating their gay daughter. The day they realize, I'm the girl, dating their son, I am TERRIFIED to think what their reactions will be. Though they are loving and I see possibility that through time they will, even if they don't accept it, still accept US in their lives, there is still the extended family to worry about, and what they will put him, and his family through.

And then there's the thought and consideration of what may someday very well be OUR family. This brings up the question of if he should transition at all. A thought that I think, for his sake, terrifies the both of us. He's (understandably) worried about what would happen to our children if someone were to find out about him. The fear of awaiting the phone call every day that could have someone telling me he's in the hospital, or dead because someone found out and beat him...or killed him. I'm coming close to tears just typing that. What if someone tried to do something to our children...? He asks, how he could forgive himself? I think absentmindedly of hatred for the world, and disgust that it is the way it is. But then again, you have to ask, would he really be any better off NOT transitioning and trying to raise children, along with dealing with a job, life, and the constant, neverending, mental struggle with himself and hatred for his body...? I want to say no. Not that I think he is weak, he is NO WHERE near weak, I just don't know how anyone could be expected to deal with the ever present thought of self disgust and hatred, and probably constant depression, PLUS the (though beautiful) strains of raising children.

On a note not about family directly, there is the whole problem with getting and keeping a job. How? I mean, I guess it has to be possible, but... it's going to be no doubt difficult, and as he meantioned, "in the medical feild?"... It will likely be EVEN harder. I think its something about needed to keep a job to be able to transition, as proof that you are stable, etc. I'm just so worried about him.


The pain he feels, I can't begin to imagine, but the pain I feel watching him hurt, I can personally say is insane. I have never felt so much for someone, or been so afraid for their fears... or been so hurt by their pain. I feel transitioning is the right thing. I also see where he is coming from feeling like he does about not wanting to... I just don't see how that is much more sane, or healthy of  a reason in the long run. I'm just not sure what the right thing to do is at this point... I'm not sure what the right approach is. I'm not sure about anything frankly. I just don't know... and I need some guidence. A glimpse into what could or may, or is possibly going to happen through out this... What have other people experienced with jobs, or ... family?

I'm not sure, I'm open to hearing just about anything at this point...

[Autumn]

I cannot answer any of your questions. But what I can do is say that the agony that you're experiencing because of your love for your significant other is very touching. He's as blessed as any of us can be to have someone who understands and loves him despite it all. I wish both of you the best of luck, safety, and happiness.

[Dennis]

The best I can do is hope to encourage. I transitioned in a small town, as a lawyer in a conservative firm with a full client load. I had absolutely no trouble at all. Judges, clients, court staff, and my firm all stood behind me completely. My family had issues at first - were worried about my work and how public my transition would be, but now, 2.5 years down the road, nobody has an issue with it (except maybe my ex, but I don't really care about that).

Dennis

[Tay]

We haven't gone through all of it yet, but I think that you both can make it.  And that, in the end, you have to.  Transition isn't a choice.  It's a necessity, for the people that do it.  I know that, if something happened to prevent either Sophie or Err (Sophie is my fiancée, she's mtf and Err is her boyfriend and my Owner, he's ftm) from transitioning, I'd lose them.  And losing one of them would set off a chain reaction where our whole triad could be lost.

Err has begun coming out to people and so far had only one truly negative reaction, something which pains him every day.  Would I say that watching him go through that pain is worth it?  Absolutely, 100%.  Because I *know* that in the end, he'll be happier for having gone through that pain. 

Sophie has begun coming out to people and so far has not had a negative experience, aside from her mother's complete lack of understanding, but that may come with time.  Her father doesn't know yet.  When she has a truly negative experience, then we will deal with it.

For me, an androgyne, I will likely be closeted for most or all of my life.  People don't understand non-binary genders, sadly.  I'm out to a handful of people, but their reactions, while not negative, are ones of pure and utter confusion.  I WILL have a hysterectomy and breast reduction, which will confuse people further and probably have them assume that I am ftm.

When it comes down to our potential children, if we have to, we will move so that no one will know the circumstances of Sophie and Err's birth.  We frankly have bigger concerns with whether or not anyone will let us adopt.  We'll have to hide at least one member of our relationship, most likely.  We cannot have biological children--Err and I are not psychologically capable of such a feminine experience.

In the end, though, people will be as people will be.  Perhaps you will have to accept a period of time or even a lifetime of being cut off from family.  Perhaps you will have to move for your own safety.  These are possibilities you must recognise and ask yourselves: Does the benefit to his psyche of transition outweigh these potential problems? 

In the case of Sophie, Err and myself, there is no other option BUT transition.  The alterations we need to make to our bodies in order to live with them are not options, but necessities.  Yes, the consequences are scary for us, but the consequences of not transitioning and not making those changes are far, far more dire.

Remember this: There are people who will support you both emotionally.  Many of those people are on this site.  You may have to develop a new family, but in the end, it might just be totally worth it.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Candie,

   What the 2 of you are about to go through is going to be very difficult. I wish I could tell you how to make it easy, but I don't have that kind of wisdom. I can tell you that as scary as it is to both of you, it will never be as bad as you are imagining it. Most of the fear is from unknown circumstances such as, how will the family react? How will the neighbors react? How will the people at the workplace react?
   But, once the both of you go forward with dealing with the GID, you will become more confident. Each small experience will become a relief and a building block for the bigger changes ahead.

   I'm not advocating that you encourage your partner to just yell it out or anything. The best method is to find a therapist or counselor who you both trust and then to start working on acclimating yourselves to the concepts ahead of which you probably are not yet aware.
   Depending on where you live, there may be laws that will protect your spouse's job. Also, I would think that working within the medical community would be a positive thing. Hopefully, there will be a greater awareness and acceptance of your spouse's situation. One good thing to do would be to locate a support group within traveling distance of you, that will provide you privacy, but will allow you to learn.

  To be honest, nobody knows what the right approach is.  That will be where a therapist comes in handy. A good therapist will have experience in working out the options available to the 2 of you. They can provide a general plan along with goals that will help you from feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once.

  Remember 2 things.  There is no need to rush even though it may feel like that. And, You do not have to do everything all at once. There will be steps you can take which will move you along and help you become comfortable within the stage you are at.


I wish you both the best,

Rebecca

[candie]

The best I can do is hope to encourage. I transitioned in a small town, as a lawyer in a conservative firm with a full client load. I had absolutely no trouble at all. Judges, clients, court staff, and my firm all stood behind me completely. My family had issues at first - were worried about my work and how public my transition would be, but now, 2.5 years down the road, nobody has an issue with it (except maybe my ex, but I don't really care about that).

Dennis

What you've said in particular is reassuring. And the fact that your work, worked out, and everything else. And being from a small town, and in the public eye while transitioning.

Posted on: June 27, 2007, 10:46:38 PM

Remember this: There are people who will support you both emotionally.  Many of those people are on this site.  You may have to develop a new family, but in the end, it might just be totally worth it.

I have come to be very thankful for this site. The people here are wonderful. I think it is deffinately by far one of the best I have found.

[gina_taylor]

Hi Candie,

In a way you've echoed a lot of my own thoughts with your concern about your husband transitioning. Now aside from the labels, how much does his family know about his transsexuality? When I am out with a man, I am a woman and I don't consider myself in a gay relationship.

Now you mentioned about your kids. Are they old enough to understand and accept the changes, because that could be a problem there. I have a 2 year old niece that loves me deeply, but as a woman I'm not sure how she'd handle that.

Now as for employment, he amy be able to transition at his present job, or of he doesn't handle it right will be terminated and a transsexual that has been in transition for five years told me that hodling down a job is a very tough thing to do, because there will always be something that will give you away.

If your husband could contain himself to just cross-dressing periodically, that may help him out without him losing everything.

Gina 

[candie]

Hi Candie,

In a way you've echoed a lot of my own thoughts with your concern about your husband transitioning. Now aside from the labels, how much does his family know about his transsexuality? When I am out with a man, I am a woman and I don't consider myself in a gay relationship.

Now you mentioned about your kids. Are they old enough to understand and accept the changes, because that could be a problem there. I have a 2 year old niece that loves me deeply, but as a woman I'm not sure how she'd handle that.

Now as for employment, he amy be able to transition at his present job, or of he doesn't handle it right will be terminated and a transsexual that has been in transition for five years told me that hodling down a job is a very tough thing to do, because there will always be something that will give you away.

If your husband could contain himself to just cross-dressing periodically, that may help him out without him losing everything.

Gina 

Well Gina, I have to correct you here a bit, this boy is not yet my husband, though someday, I look forward to it, and we don't yet have children, technically, we can't physically. because he has also not transtioned yet... and just to be clearhe is FTM.

And well, his family doesn't know really. I've just told my sister. And though he is often refered to jokingly as a boy in his family, they don't know the true gravity the statement. And as for his work situation his job is only a temporary one, between now and college. The job he will have he will likely be transitioning during, or sometime close. I'm not possitive yet, we didnt really get into those exact details.

And crossdressing doesn't really help much. I mean I don't think he's worn girls clothes since, really--years ago, he's always dressed like a boy, and he still has major issues with the parts of his body that SHOULDN'T be there.

Thank you for your input Gina, its MUCH appreciated.

[gina_taylor]

Hi Candie,

I'd like to appologize for my mistake. I wasn't aware that he was a FTM. I hope that everything does go well once you are married, but as for acseptence in the family, it's going to be tough and you'll have to tread slowly.

Gina 

[candie]

Hi Candie,

I'd like to appologize for my mistake. I wasn't aware that he was a FTM. I hope that everything does go well once you are married, but as for acseptence in the family, it's going to be tough and you'll have to tread slowly.

Gina 

Thank you and yeah, you really don't need to appologize, I wasn't really clear with it anyways, but yes, we will have to tread slowly.