Being compared to others

[Lauren5]

Do people compare you with others? If so, in what sense? How does it make you feel? Was there anything you wished you had done about it?

So, after about 8 different people saying that I resembled someone I had to to the bathroom and break down and cry.
I was asked by 8 different people today alone if I watch The Office. When I said no, they all said "well, you should. You look just like Jim Halpert." I get this rather often.
Looking him up, it seems that he's a rather attractive guy, but it almost felt offensive, because, as it turns out,  he does resemble me somewhat (I'll post pics if you all would like to tell for yourselves.) I've been told by many people that I'm a decently attractive male, and should just drop wanting to be a woman, because I'd have a good life and would save so much money if I just kept living as a man. Even after my extreme positivity after deciding that transition was really something I wanted to do, this got me down, and contemplating myself again. I really don't know whether I should live unhappy with myself, but live a good life, or be happy with myself and struggle through transition.

[LordKAT]

Somehow unhappy life does not equate to good life, at least not in my book.

[Lauren5]

Somehow unhappy life does not equate to good life, at least not in my book.

That's what I feel. I was speaking omewhat relative; I'd have a good job, excellent income, a wonderful family, and a loving wife, I'm told. I'm not sure such fantasy could become reality, even if I wasn't trans.

[Lauren5]

Fortunately form me, I'm still young, and honestly, have felt tired of being male. My female self is always in the back of my mind, no matter how masculine I try and get. It's just nerve wracking, and also, somewhat insulting, as it's mostly been MtFs who say I should abandon transition. It feels like I've been abandoned by "my own kind."
Now, this isn't meant to hurt any of you, you've all been lovely, these were people from elsewhere. The real life transpeople that I've met have either been supporting or indifferent, so far, but that's far better than insulting.
I don't have one labelled as such, as my insurance doesn't cover it, and I don't have the authority to change it at the moment, but there is a university psychologist I see, and she's touched on the issues, but we haven't really focused on them because my gender issues are somewhat of a low priority compared to my once-frequent anger outbursts and lashes, which have thank god subsided since, and my issues with maintaining a proper sleep pattern (I get 8 hours of sleep but at all the wrong times)
Now that I feel much more confident, I plan on bringing it up, and almost demanding something be done.

[Lauren5]

I don't want to cast dispersion on your therapist, but since I've never met her I have to do some guess work.  Please take my comments with a grain of salt:

In general, I'd guess that a university psychologist has to be a "jack of all trades", they need to address many different aspects of their profession due to the varied clientele they deal with.  Thus they aren't well suited to dealing with "specialty" issues.  I went to a lot of different therapists in my life, not a single one of them ever touched on my gender issues.  Even those times when I can recall that such issues came up, they never got much "air time".  Right now, I'm thinking this has been THE core issue for me all along.  Gender therapy has only come into it's own right in recent years.

I made a pointed effort to seek out a qualified gender therapist this last go-around.  It's made a huge difference for me.  I've made more significant progress in 3 months with a relatively green gender therapist than I did in the total 5 to 10 years I spent with therapists combined.

I was referred to my current therapist by my local LGBT center.  She works on a sliding scale, which keeps the costs down to a more manageable level.  I know that being a student can mean very little spare money, but please consider making some effort to find a path.  It might make a huge difference in your life.

If she can't do anything about it, she'll most certainly refer me to the campus LGBT services centre. Even if she doesn't, I can go by myself, it's in the same building, practically right upstairs. I'll go right after our meeting.
Money wise, it can be an issue. My parents pay my tuition and room and board, along with help from an unsubsidised federal loan, which is all the aid I'm entitled to. I could work out a loan or something, that would be an option. Other than that, I'd have to seek an off campus job, and my hours are so irregular I don't know how that would work. I don't qualify for an on campus job, though, which pays beter and is more flexible with hours, as it is considered a form of financial aid.
Whatever needs to be done, must be done. I want to be happy.

[Megumi]

I can't show pictures of my family at work. If anyone see's a picture of my sister I get told that we look alike. She's shorter than I am but in the face we look very similar even though the T in my body has widened my face and I still carry a lot of my fat from when I got up to 225 lbs we look very similar. When people say that to me I almost have a breakdown on the spot. But then at the same time I get reassurance every time that hey I do look like a cis woman! Which keeps me from falling apart.

[Lauren5]

I can't show pictures of my family at work. If anyone see's a picture of my sister I get told that we look alike. She's shorter than I am but in the face we look very similar even though the T in my body has widened my face and I still carry a lot of my fat from when I got up to 225 lbs we look very similar. When people say that to me I almost have a breakdown on the spot. But then at the same time I get reassurance every time that hey I do look like a cis woman! Which keeps me from falling apart.

At least you have that double edge, there. Unfortunately, being compared to other men doesn't quite have the same effect. Sometimes, these feelings just want me to give up, or start anew, hoping that I come back in the next life as a woman, or other things which just make me feel meaningless. I've had some rough times with it, as I'm sure any transgender person has, and it really just puts a damper on my othewsie cheery feminine personality.
Sorry if I'm ranting and seem like a self centred drama queen, I get that last one a lot.

[Megumi]

At least you have that double edge, there. Unfortunately, being compared to other men doesn't quite have the same effect. Sometimes, these feelings just want me to give up, or start anew, hoping that I come back in the next life as a woman, or other things which just make me feel meaningless. I've had some rough times with it, as I'm sure any transgender person has, and it really just puts a damper on my othewsie cheery feminine personality.
Sorry if I'm ranting and seem like a self centred drama queen, I get that last one a lot.

My uncle is the only one who does something like that. No pictures exist of my great grandpa on my moms side of the family but every time he see's me he says I look just like him. Don't feel bad for talking about issues. It's beneficial to get them out since they can fester in our minds and do some really terrible things.

[Sephirah]

I really don't know whether I should live unhappy with myself, but live a good life, or be happy with myself and struggle through transition.

I suppose it boils down to this: In a long, long time, when you're old and taking your last breaths... and your life flashes before your eyes - do you want to watch an actor playing your role, or do you want to watch a genuine autobiography?

Jim Halpert plays a role. You don't have to. That's the difference. And where any comparison can immediately cease.

Do what's right for you, sweetie.

[Lauren5]

My uncle is the only one who does something like that. No pictures exist of my great grandpa on my moms side of the family but every time he see's me he says I look just like him. Don't feel bad for talking about issues. It's beneficial to get them out since they can fester in our minds and do some really terrible things.

I only have one aunt who ever compares me to anyone in my family. She always says "Oh you're looking more and more like Steve (dad's youngest brother by about 8 years) every time I see you!" but as no one else does, especially with my height, eye, and hair colour (I'm 6'3" while they're all under 5'9", I have eyes that change between blue, green, grey, or a mix thereof, where they only have brown, and I have a darker blonde hair colour, while they're all brown haired) I assume that I'm some sort of oddball.
I wonder what effects HRT will have on this.

I suppose it boils down to this: In a long, long time, when you're old and taking your last breaths... and your life flashes before your eyes - do you want to watch an actor playing your role, or do you want to watch a genuine autobiography?
Jim Halpert plays a role. You don't have to. That's the difference. And where any comparison can immediately cease.
Do what's right for you, sweetie.

You just made my heart bubble and my eyes tear up. Thanks so much for the positive words of encouragement. I never thought of it like that, and, to be honest, that's an excellent way of describing anything in life.
You're awesome to me

[Taka]

my mom uses to compare me to herself. i think she does it because she has no idea how to relate to me otherwise. so she looks for anything recognizable in my personality, and grasps as that in order to understand me. not that it helps, because our differences are bigger. despite her masculinity, she's cis hetero. i'm not at all. and that's just the start of it.

she also compares me to my grandmother. apparently i look more like her for every year that passes. the only time that's been a compliment is when my mom said that i drive like my grandmother. she was a good driver, so i don't mind being compared to her rather than a guy who could only drive fast but not responsibly.

but there have been times when it felt good to be compared to someone. like when my dad said i'm a lot like his father. i didn't ever get to know my grandfather, but from what my aunt told me about him, i know he was a really nice person. i wanna become like grandpa when i grow up... i wish i could have said that when i was younger.

any other comparisons are to male manga/webtoon characters. those are funny, but difficult to take personally.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

If being attractive is the only thing you want to get from life, then sit right where you are! :-P

Life has more to offer though. I was a good looking man. I feel I can say that, as I am not that man.

This was how I looked on the outside once...
**Picture removed

I am not as attractive as a woman as I was as a man. I was aware that this would be the case when I started transitioning, but being pretty is not what life is about is it? I suppose it just depends what is most important to you; being yourself or having a potentially higher level of attraction to others (but not certain - you could be a stunner as a woman or be equally attractive or so).

Good luck x

[Lauren5]

Thanks for the kinds words from both of you. Is so demoralizing that I cannot express myself in public without fear of ostracism. That's probably my only fear with transition that I've not gotten over.