Perferred Name Issues

[David27]

I like the name Trent however my mom doesn't. I live at home currently due to financial reasons and it is close to my college. My mom doesn't like the name, but she has been trying to find a name she likes as well. I'm not concerned with if I look like a particular name, but with one that I can respond to. She kind of likes the name Tom, which she sometimes calls me.

I'm at a loss because I would like to not be called by my birth name, but Tom is not what I really want to be called. She also has had some weird names that she has suggested. Tam being the worst because it can be a girls name (I've got nothing against girls names, but male name=less confusion). I just want to be called Trent, but I feel like if I let her mess around with names maybe she will be more accepting. She is the kind of person that "takes" things with her, but it is my decision.

So do you any of you have any advice of how to talk to someone who takes things personally upon themselves? (I'd prefer a peaceful conversation without a lot of intense emotions).

[androidnick]

I can see where you are coming from. But I think it is really cool that she's playing with names. I see it maybe that she wants some sense of control since she feels like she might be losing a daughter and naming a child is such an important thing. So maybe this is her way of coping. How about you sit her down and tell her you do want her to be a part of the decision making process but you want it to be something you can both feel is right? Maybe you'll find something you like even more than Trent!

[David27]

Update

Honestly I'd rather her not involved in any of my decisions as she is very controlling. She also thinks it is a phase because I'm not one who likes to out myself. Mostly because I'm super shy and have had family members/family friends who pushed me to be a girl when I was younger. She also treats me like I'm not an adult and says I have to prove myself through my ability to clean/my own hygiene. It pisses me off because I'm really oblivious to seeing messes or any issues with my personal hygiene. It is like there is a bar in which it moves higher and I will never be able to be above it. She says I don't take enough responsibility for my stuff, but it is more economic to buy food/ do laundry together. I don't know how to say anything without totally screwing up my living/college situation.

This came up as a result of what my name is going to be on my degree in May. As a result she suggested a bunch of E names and started calling me Ethan. She also told me I need to stick to one name when she herself is the one switching it up all of the time. I don't think I can change my name at this time because I'm on my parents insurance and my birth name is being used for a competition. I will be changing my name as soon as I can, but I don't want anything like my birth name/ birth initials (ER*).

I see where your coming from Nick, but I've lived with her controlling nature/ impossible standards for my whole life.

I'm still at a loss as what to say to her and how I can change my name (the competition is over in February if my team makes it to the 2nd round).

[Robin Mack]

Just reading your posts, and having some experience dealing with that personality type, it is quite likely that she is using "helping to pick a name" as a delay/controlling tactic... It is quite possible that she believes that you will wait to transition while she dithers about names, choosing names she knows you don't/won't like to keep pushing the date off.

Alas, knowing that doesn't help your problem.  Here's hoping you can make progress on the transition without her (you can always tell friends/family to call you Trent even if she won't).  It might bother you for now, but do remember that you will at some point be able to move out on your own, and then you can do what you like, with or without her consent or approval.

Good luck!

[Devlyn]

It's preferred, Trent. Get good grades and get out on your own. You only spend a short period of your life living under your parents roof. Focus on what you're going to do with your life, they're all your decisions to make, no one else. Hugs, Devlyn

PS, a good tip in life is if someone says your hygiene is bad, it probably is.

[boddi]

I like the name Trent, too!   Anyway, I agree with Devlyn: you should try to get out and live independently.  You don't need to cut off your mother.  I think you'll feel happier and more in control of life.  But don't worry if you cant do this instantly.  Just making the plans to move out will give you some stability and feeling of control over your life.   

  I know the personality of which you speak (your mother's).  They are rather hard to deal with, I know.  However, this is to be YOUR life, not hers and for her to not respect your choice of name is not reasonable.   It is not unreasonable of you, either, to not accept her forceful ''suggestions''.  I'm sure she wouldn't do the same.   Good luck with all this.