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Male Privilege?

Started by brianna1016, October 16, 2013, 03:44:43 AM

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KabitTarah

Quote from: LizMarie on November 17, 2013, 05:27:45 PM
Here is an honestly interesting blog entry, written by Haley, a friend of mine on Facebook. Haley, and her wife Melissa, came from extremely evangelical fundamentalist backgrounds. Once they had married and had begun their lives together, a lot began to happen, including Haley, then a fundamentalist pastor, coming out as trans. Melissa's entire blog is worthy of an afternoon's reading, to watch her and Haley grow, come to grips with the real world as opposed to the world as it had been preached at them as children, coming to grips with Haley as trans, and many other things.

Occasionally Haley writes guest articles in that blog. This is one such, titled Oblivious To Privilege - Part One. Oblivious To Privilege - Part 2 is also available.

This is a great article :)
It looks like the blog starts before she finds out Haley is transgender? Where does the evolution begin?

edit: go to "Our Love Story" at the top... and the "coming out" portion is there.
~ Tarah ~

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LizMarie

The blog started shortly after they married. Her "escape" from fundamentalism, their dealing with Haley's transition, Melissa discovering she loved Haley more as a woman (Melissa now identifies lesbian), it's all in there. She's often saddened when she sees other young couples who've been brainwashed into "perfect" marriages before they've even had the chance to discover themselves. We're friends on Facebook (Melissa and Haley both) and they've been absolutely wonderful people. I've been really thankful for the emotional honesty that they put out there for others to see.
The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.



~ Cara Elizabeth
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KabitTarah

Quote from: LizMarie on November 17, 2013, 09:14:43 PM
The blog started shortly after they married. Her "escape" from fundamentalism, their dealing with Haley's transition, Melissa discovering she loved Haley more as a woman (Melissa now identifies lesbian), it's all in there. She's often saddened when she sees other young couples who've been brainwashed into "perfect" marriages before they've even had the chance to discover themselves. We're friends on Facebook (Melissa and Haley both) and they've been absolutely wonderful people. I've been really thankful for the emotional honesty that they put out there for others to see.

Self discovery is difficult for us... as I'm sure they're aware (children in fundamental Christian families must have a harder time coming out than most anyone else). I don't blame marriage, I blame society's role in suppressing trans* children so effectively. My marriage will fail because my wife can't handle being considered a lesbian. I don't blame her for that. I still love her and I think she still loves me - but that's not enough.

We, as transgender spouses, are quick to be blamed for everything. I see all of us as victims of circumstance.
~ Tarah ~

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LizMarie

Quote from: kabit on November 17, 2013, 09:23:50 PM
Self discovery is difficult for us... as I'm sure they're aware (children in fundamental Christian families must have a harder time coming out than most anyone else). I don't blame marriage, I blame society's role in suppressing trans* children so effectively. My marriage will fail because my wife can't handle being considered a lesbian. I don't blame her for that. I still love her and I think she still loves me - but that's not enough.

We, as transgender spouses, are quick to be blamed for everything. I see all of us as victims of circumstance.

I agree, it's not marriage but marrying before we can make these discoveries and yes, society's pressures on everyone to fit specific little molds, not just trans either. Those are what make it difficult.
The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.



~ Cara Elizabeth
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alicel

Quote from: Megumi on October 16, 2013, 08:16:52 AM
Honestly it has felt like a curse to me. You must act this way, talk this way, walk this way, anything that strays from the mold and you get berated for it.

I have enjoyed very little of the male privileges throughout my life.

I completely agree with you, and sadly I know I've been passed over for projects etc because I have not been able to act in their masculine fashion, and I know my boss picks on me because of this. /deep sigh.

I really hate and feel so uncomfortable with their idea of behaving like a man!  I don't mind them behaving like this because they're kinda cute sometimes when they stamp their feet, but I wish they'd not raise their voices to make a point!
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KirstenR

Quote from: LizMarie on November 17, 2013, 05:27:45 PM
Here is an honestly interesting blog entry, written by Haley, a friend of mine on Facebook. Haley, and her wife Melissa, came from extremely evangelical fundamentalist backgrounds. Once they had married and had begun their lives together, a lot began to happen, including Haley, then a fundamentalist pastor, coming out as trans. Melissa's entire blog is worthy of an afternoon's reading, to watch her and Haley grow, come to grips with the real world as opposed to the world as it had been preached at them as children, coming to grips with Haley as trans, and many other things.

Occasionally Haley writes guest articles in that blog. This is one such, titled Oblivious To Privilege - Part One. Oblivious To Privilege - Part 2 is also available.
Thanks for posting
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Chloevixen

I have had it happen a few times to me in the last month.  Once was with my brother in law while we were out on his houseboat.  I was bringing it in to moor up, and he pushed me out of the way explaining how hard it is.... ( I taught him how to drive boats, I hold a merchant marine master license "officer rank"  and have been driving boats for over 15 years.)  I let him get the boat pulled in then he looked at me and laughed after he realized what he had done.

Another time was when my best friends starter died on his car (he is just now starting to accept me as Chloe we have been friends since the late 90s)  He explained that it was a mans job to work on cars, even though I have been fixing his cars for years.  I was a little annoyed untill  I sat down with his wife, and a friend of mines girlfriend (a highschool ex who finally understood why I was so different)  We just talked and enjoyed the show of watching them try to fix the car.  I really loved feeling the level of acceptance from the other girls.
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Eva Marie

I experienced this recently in a couple of different ways. The first one was when I was sitting next to a group of guys discussing home repairs. There was a break in the conversation and silly me tried to ask a question about the work that was done and I was completely ignored - apparently  it was not my place to be interested in such things. Last weekend I went to help some friends move and I was relegated to rigorous duties like holding doors open so people could carry things through them.

I have also experienced the flip side of that with having doors held open for me and having heavy things carried for me so I guess I really can't complain lol....
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Kylie

In my experience, male privilege is definitely real, and something I am seriously considering as I make my decision on transitioning.  As a male, I don't really feel like I need to consider much of anything.  I have been able to sleep with as many women as I like without being branded a whore or a slut, I don't have to consider my appearance nearly as much (rough and disheveled can be a look for a man), I have been paid more than my female colleagues in past jobs (not my current one though), my bosses do not condescend me or brush me off like they do my female counterpart, but I think most importantly, I have never worried about my safety or had to consider the safety of everyday situations.  I know that will all be subject to change if I transition. 

Women do get some niceties, but I don't really see them as impactful enough to call them privileges.  I think the fact that people get so much more twisted about m-f than f-m illustrates that our society thinks that being female is somehow degrading or lesser.  What other explanation is there that it is so much more offensive for a boy to act and dress like a girl than for a girl to act and dress like a boy?  I think it says that to be a boy in our society is important, and to be a girl is not.  Women and their accomplishments are not taken nearly as seriously in our society.  It is sad.
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dalebert


Nero

Quote from: dalebert on May 11, 2014, 11:52:47 AM


I probably shouldn't comment on this. But the vast majority of that stuff is men on men. Yes, there are females who kill. But it's a lot rarer than men killing. A man is much more likely to be the victim of a crime perpetrated by another man than a woman - mugging, assault, rape, murder, whatever. That doesn't mean women never do these things. Just that it's much more likely the perp will be male. Any person - male or female - is much more likely to be the victim of a crime perpetrated by a man than a woman.

So homicide victims - men killing men. Maybe more than they kill women. But also race stats say blacks kill blacks, whites kill whites. Men kill men.

And suicide - yeah men are more likely to succeed at suicide. Because they usually choose more direct and violent means than women. A woman is more likely to take a bunch of pills or slit her wrist and a man is more likely to just shoot himself.

Industrial and combat deaths - well, men are much more likely to have those sort of jobs than women. So of course they comprise most of the fatalities. And we're not living in draft times, so these occupations are chosen.

And custody? Ok this is one of very few areas where women prevail.

All that being said though, the concept of male privilege is oversimplified. And I'm not sure that 'privilege' was ever the right word to use. I think of it more like a marker - some people are born into this world (well in the US, at least) with certain markers. Like I said in a different thread, a white dude (in the US) is never a 'white dude'. He's himself. The default. He's the default and he can be who he is. Now if he's trans or gay, a marker is added. He's no longer the default. He's got this mark on him. He's different. Other.

Basically what I'm saying is that a white straight dude in the US - nobody ever gives a thought to these things he is - white, straight, male. Because it's just 'normal'. The default. So his personality is whatever his personality is, and he's whoever he is and nobody filters it through any markers. Nobody even thinks about it.

But a woman is born with a marker. A person of color (in the US at least) is born with a marker. Like the doctor might as well have just stamped a huge 'OTHER' mark on her forehead. A white boy is not born with a marker (in the US at least). He may later acquire markers - if he ends up gay, trans etc. But he's not born with this huge 'OTHER' stamped on his head. So he grows up as the default, as the normal. A girl grows up as the other. That's the difference really. It's not that males are privileged, but that females are unprivileged. Because they grow up in a society where they are always 'other'. Their femaleness defines them in a way that a guy's maleness doesn't. Because he's the default and she's not. You see what I'm saying?



Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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BunnyBee

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HoneyStrums

Quote from: Jen on May 11, 2014, 01:09:25 PM
Thank you FA...
This.

Pretty much sums it up.
I Look at it for what it is though. Privilige? The hierarchy of a society. Patriachy is male ruled society and the ruler/rulers is set «norm«.

Not figurhead ruler and/or fallguy but rulers aka the governments majority.

FA pretty much described to marker system this hierarchy adopts.
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Jess42

I haven't the slightest idea what male priveledge is. I have never experienced it once in my life. Of course it could be the way I look too. But AMIIGAF.
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Kylie

Great summary FA!

That whole diagram is disingenuous and is a great argument if you are someone that likes to ignore context
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dalebert

Quote from: FA on May 11, 2014, 12:51:13 PM
I probably shouldn't comment on this. But the vast majority of that stuff is men on men.

I don't see how that's relevant at all to a conversation about who has privilege. It sounds like you're trying to blame me, an innocent and non-violent person, for crimes perpetuated by criminals because they happen to be the same gender as me. The vast majority is by a small percentage of criminals perpetrated on innocent people, and very likely a small percentage of criminals engaging in repeat behavior. And the fact is that, contrary to common perception, you're statistically safer walking the streets as a woman because discussion of violence is often gendered when it shouldn't be, e.g. "never hit a woman" resulting in a culture that is much more okay with violence against men than against women. Men are far more often the victims of violent crimes. There is male privilege in certain contexts and there is female privilege in certain contexts, and this is one of those where women are privileged.

QuoteYes, there are females who kill. But it's a lot rarer than men killing. A man is much more likely to be the victim of a crime perpetrated by another man than a woman - mugging, assault, rape, murder, whatever. That doesn't mean women never do these things. Just that it's much more likely the perp will be male. Any person - male or female - is much more likely to be the victim of a crime perpetrated by a man than a woman.

It's true but I don't think it's relevant to a discussion about who has privilege. It also brings up another area of female privilege that's not shown in that chart. Women are less likely to be convicted of the same crime and will statistically serve much shorter sentences for the same crime. The perception (that you are helping to perpetuate right now) that men are more prone to crime has become a self-fulfilling prophecy that skews the numbers somewhat.

QuoteAnd suicide - yeah men are more likely to succeed at suicide. Because they usually choose more direct and violent means than women. A woman is more likely to take a bunch of pills or slit her wrist and a man is more likely to just shoot himself.

I hear that fairly frequently as a way to hand-wave away a serious issue but it's not that simple. Suicide is often a cry for help, at least on some subconscious level, and a more drastic attempt could also be seen as a more sincere attempt at suicide. And I don't think many people will argue with the idea that men are much less likely to seek help when they feel troubled. Think about this.

TRIGGER WARNING
If you take a bunch of pills and it's either not a large enough dose or you get found before it's too late, your suicide attempt is now documented. If you're sitting there with your finger on the trigger of a gun that's in your mouth and you never quite build up the guts to pull the trigger, as a man in particular, you will likely never want someone to find out that you were about to "give up" and that case won't get documented.
END trigger warning

QuoteIndustrial and combat deaths - well, men are much more likely to have those sort of jobs than women. So of course they comprise most of the fatalities. And we're not living in draft times, so these occupations are chosen.

This is true. A lot of the differences between men and women come down to choices. A man's attractiveness in the eyes of women is much more attached to things like bravery, heroism, ability to provide resources. Women are catching up or even ahead of men in many areas in prestigious jobs like doctors, lawyers, and engineers. Women are way ahead in education, graduating high school and college at a much higher rate. Jobs that are more grueling or dangerous are still overwhelmingly predominated by men. It's not (at least not mostly) due to discrimination. It's because women don't want those jobs. They're not under the same societal pressures as men that would make them make such unappealing choices.

QuoteAnd I'm not sure that 'privilege' was ever the right word to use.

On this, we agree. The word is used to "other" a group of people. Often it's used to invalidate their opinions. It's used to say they can't possibly understand what someone else is going through no matter how you explain it. It's used as justification for special treatment to compensate the non-privileged, often in unfair ways.

QuoteIt's not that males are privileged, but that females are unprivileged.

I think that's obviously not accurate based on hard statistical data.

QuoteBecause they grow up in a society where they are always 'other'. Their femaleness defines them in a way that a guy's maleness doesn't. Because he's the default and she's not. You see what I'm saying?

I do and I agree, but that doesn't mean they aren't privileged in some contexts like the ones already pointed out. I feel like we're on completely the wrong track in the process of trying to seek more legal and cultural equality of the genders. Women are treated like children for the large part. They are seen as vulnerable, helpless, lacking in agency (that's a big one), i.e. incapable of making important decisions and also being held responsible for those decisions. Men are raised to believe they're supposed to protect, shelter, and provide for women, even die for them if it comes to it. Obviously women don't receive the same respect as men in that environment. If we want a culture that respects women, we have to break out of this notion that they need to be cared for and coddled as if they're children. Instead of helping them to catch up, as if they're incapable of performing without help, we should be raising expectations.

The other side of this conversation that is alienating a lot of men from being able to relate is this idea that men have all the power. It's easy to point at Congress and show that it's male-dominated, but that's misleading. Most of men are the 99%, so to speak. Most are not in positions of power (Also, most of the men in those positions were voted in by a predominantly female voting force). Just as a tiny fraction of men are criminals and yet all men seem to get assigned the blame, a tiny fraction of men are in leadership positions, and yet all men are said to be holding tremendous power. The vast majority of men are doing crap jobs and the men who are in power don't care about them as much as they care about women, so that power is used ON BEHALF OF women, even when wielded by men. Plenty of those family judges who discriminate against other men are men who feel a duty to women! They see men as abusers or, at best, as providers of resources for women and children. They see women as helpless, vulnerable, eternal victims and needing of their manly protection.

HoneyStrums

Quote from: Jess42 on May 11, 2014, 01:56:40 PM
I haven't the slightest idea what male priveledge is. I have never experienced it once in my life. Of course it could be the way I look too. But AMIIGAF.
I Think you might be mistaking privilige with priviliged?

The sence of feeling priviliged.

Aka if you were hand picked to reprisent you home town for somthing and recieved an award for inspiring persons of the decade. You might feel priviliged. If that award was presented to mr ??? you wouldnt

Quote from: dalebert on May 11, 2014, 02:47:40 PM
If we want a culture that respects women, we have to break out of this notion that they need to be cared for and coddled as if they're children. Instead of helping them to catch up, as if they're incapable of performing without help, we should be raising expectations.

So stop looking at men as men and weman as woman? Because that is focusing on difference and counter productive, othering either or to start with? And to just see people.

Im way out of my depth hear. (sorry if i seem un educated. i am intrested and need to start somewear) cant wait for my lap top to reasearch in these areas.

edit to avoid dubble posting
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Kylie

Quote from: dalebert on May 11, 2014, 02:47:40 PM
The other side of this conversation that is alienating a lot of men from being able to relate is this idea that men have all the power. It's easy to point at Congress and show that it's male-dominated, but that's misleading. Most of men are the 99%, so to speak. Most are not in positions of power (Also, most of the men in those positions were voted in by a predominantly female voting force). Just as a tiny fraction of men are criminals and yet all men seem to get assigned the blame, a tiny fraction of men are in leadership positions, and yet all men are said to be holding tremendous power.

This is true, except for the predominantly female voting force part. I wouldn't call a 4-6% difference predominant, and also the candidates that we were allowed to vote for were chosen by men in the 1%, so do you really think that women choose who gets into office as you claim or is it the men in the 1% who provide the candidates that really choose who gets into office?  Ah, context!

Now, it is funny that you ask the reader to ignore the "hard statistical data" and pay attention to context when the data is contrary to your argument, but when the "hard statistical data" supports your position, you demand the reader to accept your data without looking at context. See the problem there?  The statistics you put out are equally meaningless when they are void of context.  As for the rest of your post, there are far too many opinions, exaggerations and assumptions stated as fact to even begin.
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jussmoi4nao

I agree about the contuum thing...tbh in a lot of ways, I feel more privileged now. The 120 lb femmey gay boy doesn't exactly draw as much respect as the cute, leggy straight girl. So in terms of society's perception of me, 9 times out of 10, I'm treated better, now, tbh.

Though I didn't really actually *live* much, as male, like in terms of socialization. But in the small time I did I was the subject of a lot of external abuse.
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Nero

Quote from: dalebert on May 11, 2014, 02:47:40 PM
Quote from: FA on May 11, 2014, 12:51:13 PM
I probably shouldn't comment on this. But the vast majority of that stuff is men on men.

I don't see how that's relevant at all to a conversation about who has privilege. It sounds like you're trying to blame me, an innocent and non-violent person, for crimes perpetuated by criminals because they happen to be the same gender as me.

It's relevant because you posted it. I wouldn't blame you anymore than I'd blame my father who has never seen the inside of a jail cell in his life. My father and most men (and you, I expect) are good. I, as a trans man, but still a man, am good. I would never hurt anybody. I would never kill anybody. But that doesn't change the fact that most who kill and hurt are men.

QuoteAnd the fact is that, contrary to common perception, you're statistically safer walking the streets as a woman because discussion of violence is often gendered when it shouldn't be, e.g. "never hit a woman" resulting in a culture that is much more okay with violence against men than against women. Men are far more often the victims of violent crimes. There is male privilege in certain contexts and there is female privilege in certain contexts, and this is one of those where women are privileged.

oh I agree with this as I was mugged as a man on streets I was safe as a woman. But who mugged me? Men. Not saying women never do this, but it is usually by men.

QuoteIt's true but I don't think it's relevant to a discussion about who has privilege. It also brings up another area of female privilege that's not shown in that chart. Women are less likely to be convicted of the same crime and will statistically serve much shorter sentences for the same crime.

I agree that that's a problem. But even if all those women were convicted, I doubt it would do much to fill up the discrepancy. Part of why that's a discrepancy is that women are just so much less likely to commit the crime. For whatever reason, women just don't assault, kill, rob as much as men. That doesn't mean they never do it. Just that, it's usually a man doing it. And usually not a woman. So, it's logical for the cops to conclude that the perp is a man. Because he usually is.
And even if the victim is usually a man also - that's relevant. Blacks mostly commit crimes against other Blacks. Whites mostly against other Whites. Men mostly against other Men. I don't think that says much about privilege. I mean think about it - it would be like saying whites mostly kill other whites. That doesn't mean they don't have privilege or that it's not a racial crime when a white man kills a black man.

When a man kills a woman - it's usually to do with her sex. Unless it's like some planned, mafia hit or something, she's usually raped - whether that was the motive or not. Anyway, I agree that it would be wrong and detrimental to assume women don't do this.

But it's like everything in the graphic you posted - all this is due to other men. Men kill other men. Men are killed in combat by other men. Men go to work in dangerous occupations because of other men. By contrast, women are killed/abused/assaulted/raped/robbed overwhelmingly by men. Once in a blue moon, you get a woman killer, but usually it's a man.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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