Thank you very much for all your insight. I really do appreciate it. It's really... empowering to know that I am not alone with this. And that it's something which might be more common than I originally thought.
Kabit, something I feel I should mention with regard to Testosterone muting emotions. I'm not at all sure that's accurate. At least in my case I would venture it isn't. I've had it swirling around in my system for most of my life, yet always felt this way. I think it might be more likely that the association one makes with that, in relation to who a person is, goes more of the way to repressing emotion and feeling than the hormone itself. Perhaps on a subconscious level. It may very well be a complex interrelation between how one feels they should be, how one is treated, and how one is given the opportunities to express themselves which lead to being more or less in tune with one's emotions. I think that everyone has the same capacity within them.
For example, most of my time here I observe people. The way they express themselves, and the interesting thing is, I very often find little difference between people on HRT, and people who haven't started it yet, with regard to the way they express themelves... the fluidity of their emotions, I suppose. Maybe that comes from being in an environment where they are more free to express themselves, and release that part of themselves which may be fully, or partially constrained in everyday life. I'm really not sure. Which leads me to wonder if it isn't the mind drawing some sort of framework from everyday life when deciding how much to allow emotion to be felt. If one is expected to be stoic, unfeeling... if part of the way they feel they have to be day to day is like that... then whether their primary hormone is Testosterone or not, the result is the same.
Maybe it is a long established self-defense mechanism based on something which happened a long time ago. Admonished for feeling, perhaps. I really can't say, and I'm rambling again, lol. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I suspect just because someone doesn't use their emotions so much doesn't mean they can't. They may just need encouragement.
Lo, your posts really strike a chord with me. As a child I was, perhaps, much the same as your husband. A seething mass of overwhelming emotion with no outlet or even understanding of what was going on. Feeling so many things but not knowing how to express them. And being in an environment where doing so was... well, sometimes hazardous. For a couple of years during my teens, most of that was repressed. I guess you could say I was numb. Not thinking about feeling. And to do so was more hurtful and confusing than it was productive. I was called a machine. It wasn't so much that I was told it was for women, but more that it was drilled into me that it wasn't for anyone. I think part of that was being raised by a single parent, my mother. One of the strongest people I ever knew, in some ways. But she hid her emotions very well. Almost too well. And felt uncomfortable whenever one of us didn't. Maybe a little of that was resentment over someone expressing something she felt she couldn't. She felt she had to be strong. To be stoic. To get through. And that was the only way to be in life. Who knows.
Nevertheless, I think it's eminently possible to push emotions down, to learn to use other things to get through life. But I don't think they ever leave. They're just waiting. I am sure you will get there with your husband, and I wish you all the best with that. I think it's a really great thing you're doing, working with him to understand and express feelings again.
Cynthia Michelle, thank you very much. I totally agree with you. Sometimes I read things that leave me speechless from the depth of feeling, utter beauty and grace from which those words come. And I feel for such gentle, wonderful souls who feel constrained, for whatever reason, but allow themselves just a glimpse of the light which resides within. It very often makes me feel hopeful. Not just for the people concerned, but for myself, too.
LordKAT, you are right. There are other things which happen too, things I don't want to speak about here, really. Things which I have, and offer no explanation for. But also things which allow me to help folks feel better, to offer what I can to aid those seeking direction in life. It's really great to know that I am not alone in this. Thank you so much. All of you. This has made me feel a lot better about myself.
