Wow. I certainly wasn't expecting so many in depth replies to this. Thank you all so much.
I don't really have anything meaningful to comment on what you've all said. Save for the fact that it never ceases to fascinate me the way people live their lives and what gives those lives meaning. It serves only to illustrate the wonderful diversity of human existence and how people find that meaning in different ways. Again, thank you for answering my stumbling attempts to ask the question.
One thing I will say, however, is that I'm genuinely interested in what it is about the experiences you had which you feel make you who you are.
I hesitated to do this but:
Quote from: learningtolive on October 19, 2013, 07:39:47 AM
I'm curious Seph, what about you? I want to learn about the elusive inspiring mod.
I wasn't sure I was going to answer this. But I have thought about it a lot since posting this. So I will attempt to explain how I feel.
One time I did have amnesia. Briefly. A little while ago while I was away from the site for personal reasons. I didn't remember much of anything, for a time. But that singular experience showed me that in my case, it made no difference whatsoever as to who I am, how I saw myself, and why I feel the way I do. That being said, I am really not sure I can explain why. Nevertheless, I shall try.
For vast swathes of my life I struggle with what can only be described as a dissociation from myself. I'm not entirely sure how much, of any of it, is to do with gender. It's something I have got used to almost, ever since I was a child. An overwhelming feeling of being "outside" oneself. Or maybe "inside" oneself would be more accurate. Of being an observer. It's a very... disconcerting feeling, when it happens. Like watching life through a screen. In this case, my eyes. For 90% of the time, I see things with a detachment. Things that happen to me... well... they feel like they're happening to someone else, and I'm watching from within, as it were. I don't really know how else to describe it. If you've seen the movie
Men In Black, and can remember the scene with the little alien inside that guy's head, sort of piloting him... that is how it feels, sometimes. Like driving a person, almost.
A lot of my gender issues aren't social. At least I don't feel they are. They're more... internal and physical. For me it's more just about not being right in my own skin. Regardless of how people treat me. Or how I'd like to be seen. That very often pales into insignificance when you find yourself waking most of the time, expecting to be someone else, or a very heavy modification of yourself, and finding out you're not. The physical dysphoria is sickening, at times. I honestly don't think I would care if people misgendered me, as long as I felt right within myself. And for pretty much most of my life, that has not been the case. I have phantom limb sensations occasionally... most commonly after meditating, or a particularly vivid dream. Often a very tactile hypnogogic state of being actually myself, followed by the jarring, almost painful realisation when that wears off. I think a lot of that stems from the time spent living in my own head. Something, I suppose, I turned to as a coping mechanism during very early life to escape from the feelings of confusion and longing that I found myself having.
As a result of that, I think, I developed a very strong self identity. Something that may have to do with spending a lot of time with myself. Through meditation, dreams, learning about how I see myself in my mind's eye. And a lot of this had no interaction from outside elements at all. I don't really know what it was. And sometimes, it's a case of not knowing which came first, the dysphoria or the self image. Whether one created the other, and vice versa. But the end result, for me, is that my expression of myself is a very... self-contained thing.
I'm not going to say that experiences in my life haven't left their mark. No doubt they have. They have led to me being a more cautious, thoughtful, often scared... yet emotionally aware person overall. At least I think so. I don't really know, lol. I guess others are best placed to make that call. But I do see a fundamental difference between how I am, and who I am. I don't think they're the same thing. I think that maybe things that have happened to... hmm... I hesitate to say "me", because sometimes that isn't what it feels like at all. But you know what I mean. For the sake of argument, let's say the things that have happened to me... may have gone some way to shaping what kind of woman I am. But my feeling is that they had very little effect on the fact that I am a woman in the first place. That, for me is an all-pervading, whole body and mind sensation. And I guess some of what prompted this thread is that when I couldn't remember very much of what had happened in my past, this feeling of being who I am, the person I see in my mind's eye, the dysphoric feelings of a body which didn't quite fit... that never went away. Never lessened in strength, or discomfort in knowing the outside didn't match. And I don't think, in my case, it has very much to do with my past experiences in life. I think perhaps it's based more on experiencing how I feel when I am free from the restrictions of... hmm... of physical existence? When I'm afforded opportunities to exist as the truest example of who I am. Almost in a vacuum, perhaps. I'm not sure.
I don't think I did a good job of explaining any of that. The truth is, it's somewhat complicated for me to even understand myself.