To wipe the slate clean - what do you see?

[Randi]

I would have some serious questions about how it is that I have boobs and a penis. 

If so, what is it about you from that point onwards which makes you feel that way?

If not, why not?

Past aside, what is it now which drives you, which affirms you are who you are?

[Just Kate]

Assuming my fundamental personality were the same, I might, for a time believe my new life experience typical .  However it wouldn't take long before the same triggers that once alerted me to my true self appeared again seeing as they are a constant in my current life.

[Sephirah]

Wow. I certainly wasn't expecting so many in depth replies to this. Thank you all so much.

I don't really have anything meaningful to comment on what you've all said. Save for the fact that it never ceases to fascinate me the way people live their lives and what gives those lives meaning. It serves only to illustrate the wonderful diversity of human existence and how people find that meaning in different ways. Again, thank you for answering my stumbling attempts to ask the question.

One thing I will say, however, is that I'm genuinely interested in what it is about the experiences you had which you feel make you who you are.

I hesitated to do this but:

I'm curious Seph, what about you?  I want to learn about the elusive inspiring mod.

I wasn't sure I was going to answer this. But I have thought about it a lot since posting this. So I will attempt to explain how I feel.

One time I did have amnesia. Briefly. A little while ago while I was away from the site for personal reasons. I didn't remember much of anything, for a time. But that singular experience showed me that in my case, it made no difference whatsoever as to who I am, how I saw myself, and why I feel the way I do. That being said, I am really not sure I can explain why. Nevertheless, I shall try.

For vast swathes of my life I struggle with what can only be described as a dissociation from myself. I'm not entirely sure how much, of any of it, is to do with gender. It's something I have got used to almost, ever since I was a child. An overwhelming feeling of being "outside" oneself. Or maybe "inside" oneself would be more accurate. Of being an observer. It's a very... disconcerting feeling, when it happens. Like watching life through a screen. In this case, my eyes. For 90% of the time, I see things with a detachment. Things that happen to me... well... they feel like they're happening to someone else, and I'm watching from within, as it were. I don't really know how else to describe it. If you've seen the movie Men In Black, and can remember the scene with the little alien inside that guy's head, sort of piloting him... that is how it feels, sometimes. Like driving a person, almost.

A lot of my gender issues aren't social. At least I don't feel they are. They're more... internal and physical. For me it's more just about not being right in my own skin. Regardless of how people treat me. Or how I'd like to be seen. That very often pales into insignificance when you find yourself waking most of the time, expecting to be someone else, or a very heavy modification of yourself, and finding out you're not. The physical dysphoria is sickening, at times. I honestly don't think I would care if people misgendered me, as long as I felt right within myself. And for pretty much most of my life, that has not been the case. I have phantom limb sensations occasionally... most commonly after meditating, or a particularly vivid dream. Often a very tactile hypnogogic state of being actually myself, followed by the jarring, almost painful realisation when that wears off. I think a lot of that stems from the time spent living in my own head. Something, I suppose, I turned to as a coping mechanism during very early life to escape from the feelings of confusion and longing that I found myself having.

As a result of that, I think, I developed a very strong self identity. Something that may have to do with spending a lot of time with myself. Through meditation, dreams, learning about how I see myself in my mind's eye. And a lot of this had no interaction from outside elements at all. I don't really know what it was. And sometimes, it's a case of not knowing which came first, the dysphoria or the self image. Whether one created the other, and vice versa. But the end result, for me, is that my expression of myself is a very... self-contained thing.

I'm not going to say that experiences in my life haven't left their mark. No doubt they have. They have led to me being a more cautious, thoughtful, often scared... yet emotionally aware person overall. At least I think so. I don't really know, lol. I guess others are best placed to make that call. But I do see a fundamental difference between how I am, and who I am. I don't think they're the same thing. I think that maybe things that have happened to... hmm... I hesitate to say "me", because sometimes that isn't what it feels like at all. But you know what I mean. For the sake of argument, let's say the things that have happened to me... may have gone some way to shaping what kind of woman I am. But my feeling is that they had very little effect on the fact that I am a woman in the first place. That, for me is an all-pervading, whole body and mind sensation. And I guess some of what prompted this thread is that when I couldn't remember very much of what had happened in my past, this feeling of being who I am, the person I see in my mind's eye, the dysphoric feelings of a body which didn't quite fit... that never went away. Never lessened in strength, or discomfort in knowing the outside didn't match. And I don't think, in my case, it has very much to do with my past experiences in life. I think perhaps it's based more on experiencing how I feel when I am free from the restrictions of... hmm... of physical existence? When I'm afforded opportunities to exist as the truest example of who I am. Almost in a vacuum, perhaps. I'm not sure.

I don't think I did a good job of explaining any of that. The truth is, it's somewhat complicated for me to even understand myself.

[Shantel]

"The truth is, it's somewhat complicated for me to even understand myself."

We're all on the same page to one degree or another, so you're not alone hon!

[Ltl89]

Wow. I certainly wasn't expecting so many in depth replies to this. Thank you all so much.

I don't really have anything meaningful to comment on what you've all said. Save for the fact that it never ceases to fascinate me the way people live their lives and what gives those lives meaning. It serves only to illustrate the wonderful diversity of human existence and how people find that meaning in different ways. Again, thank you for answering my stumbling attempts to ask the question.

One thing I will say, however, is that I'm genuinely interested in what it is about the experiences you had which you feel make you who you are.

I hesitated to do this but:

I wasn't sure I was going to answer this. But I have thought about it a lot since posting this. So I will attempt to explain how I feel.

One time I did have amnesia. Briefly. A little while ago while I was away from the site for personal reasons. I didn't remember much of anything, for a time. But that singular experience showed me that in my case, it made no difference whatsoever as to who I am, how I saw myself, and why I feel the way I do. That being said, I am really not sure I can explain why. Nevertheless, I shall try.

For vast swathes of my life I struggle with what can only be described as a dissociation from myself. I'm not entirely sure how much, of any of it, is to do with gender. It's something I have got used to almost, ever since I was a child. An overwhelming feeling of being "outside" oneself. Or maybe "inside" oneself would be more accurate. Of being an observer. It's a very... disconcerting feeling, when it happens. Like watching life through a screen. In this case, my eyes. For 90% of the time, I see things with a detachment. Things that happen to me... well... they feel like they're happening to someone else, and I'm watching from within, as it were. I don't really know how else to describe it. If you've seen the movie Men In Black, and can remember the scene with the little alien inside that guy's head, sort of piloting him... that is how it feels, sometimes. Like driving a person, almost.

A lot of my gender issues aren't social. At least I don't feel they are. They're more... internal and physical. For me it's more just about not being right in my own skin. Regardless of how people treat me. Or how I'd like to be seen. That very often pales into insignificance when you find yourself waking most of the time, expecting to be someone else, or a very heavy modification of yourself, and finding out you're not. The physical dysphoria is sickening, at times. I honestly don't think I would care if people misgendered me, as long as I felt right within myself. And for pretty much most of my life, that has not been the case. I have phantom limb sensations occasionally... most commonly after meditating, or a particularly vivid dream. Often a very tactile hypnogogic state of being actually myself, followed by the jarring, almost painful realisation when that wears off. I think a lot of that stems from the time spent living in my own head. Something, I suppose, I turned to as a coping mechanism during very early life to escape from the feelings of confusion and longing that I found myself having.

As a result of that, I think, I developed a very strong self identity. Something that may have to do with spending a lot of time with myself. Through meditation, dreams, learning about how I see myself in my mind's eye. And a lot of this had no interaction from outside elements at all. I don't really know what it was. And sometimes, it's a case of not knowing which came first, the dysphoria or the self image. Whether one created the other, and vice versa. But the end result, for me, is that my expression of myself is a very... self-contained thing.

I'm not going to say that experiences in my life haven't left their mark. No doubt they have. They have led to me being a more cautious, thoughtful, often scared... yet emotionally aware person overall. At least I think so. I don't really know, lol. I guess others are best placed to make that call. But I do see a fundamental difference between how I am, and who I am. I don't think they're the same thing. I think that maybe things that have happened to... hmm... I hesitate to say "me", because sometimes that isn't what it feels like at all. But you know what I mean. For the sake of argument, let's say the things that have happened to me... may have gone some way to shaping what kind of woman I am. But my feeling is that they had very little effect on the fact that I am a woman in the first place. That, for me is an all-pervading, whole body and mind sensation. And I guess some of what prompted this thread is that when I couldn't remember very much of what had happened in my past, this feeling of being who I am, the person I see in my mind's eye, the dysphoric feelings of a body which didn't quite fit... that never went away. Never lessened in strength, or discomfort in knowing the outside didn't match. And I don't think, in my case, it has very much to do with my past experiences in life. I think perhaps it's based more on experiencing how I feel when I am free from the restrictions of... hmm... of physical existence? When I'm afforded opportunities to exist as the truest example of who I am. Almost in a vacuum, perhaps. I'm not sure.

I don't think I did a good job of explaining any of that. The truth is, it's somewhat complicated for me to even understand myself.

Thanks for the in-depth response.  It's nice to see all sides of our staff members.  In terms of the internal feeling, I can relate.  It's always been the case with me that I have been uncomfortable in my own skin.  Throughout my life I've had tremendous physical dysphoria.  Still do.  Yet, I can't say whether my past had nothing to do with making me feel that way.  It feels innate, but we are all a product of our environment.  I guess how much we are is up for debate.  I've been considering going into psychology and leaving politics behind (I feel like I can be more helpful to the world there), so perhaps one day I can answer that,lol. 

What I cannot relate to is your detachment of oneself.  I've always been puzzled by the transgirls who talk about estrogen developing their emotions and allowing them to feel.  Ever since I was a kid, I have been very emotional and senstive, sometimes too much for my own good.  That really hasn't changed much.  Maybe I'm slightly more emotional too a degree, but that's it.  Even though I try to hide it and act very guarded to protect myself from pain and rejection, once the gates come down you see how emotional and sensitive I really am.  It's just hard to let down the imaginary wall between me and others at times because of the fear.  However, detachment from my own experiences and feelings is something I could never relate to.  I love feeling emotions both good and bad.  It makes us human.   Still I think it's interesting to hear other perspectives and see how everyone experiences life differently.

Do you think there is a reason you feel so detached?  Is it a coping mechanism?  Or do you simply believe in fate and think you are just on for the ride?  I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

   

[Nero]

What I cannot relate to is your detachment of oneself.  I've always been puzzled by the transgirls who talk about estrogen developing their emotions and allowing them to feel.  Ever since I was a kid, I have been very emotional and senstive, sometimes too much for my own good.  That really hasn't changed much.  Maybe I'm slightly more emotional too a degree, but that's it.  Even though I try to hide it and act very guarded to protect myself from pain and rejection, once the gates come down you see how emotional and sensitive I really am.  It's just hard to let down the imaginary wall between me and others at times because of the fear.  However, detachment from my own experiences and feelings is something I could never relate to.  I love feeling emotions both good and bad.  It makes us human.   Still I think it's interesting to hear other perspectives and see how everyone experiences life differently.

Do you think there is a reason you feel so detached?  Is it a coping mechanism?  Or do you simply believe in fate and think you are just on for the ride?  I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

I don't think Sephirah means detachment as in not feeling emotions. I haven't met too many people as sensitive and emotionally intelligent as she is. 

[Sephirah]

What I cannot relate to is your detachment of oneself.  I've always been puzzled by the transgirls who talk about estrogen developing their emotions and allowing them to feel.  Ever since I was a kid, I have been very emotional and senstive, sometimes too much for my own good.  That really hasn't changed much.  Maybe I'm slightly more emotional too a degree, but that's it.  Even though I try to hide it and act very guarded to protect myself from pain and rejection, once the gates come down you see how emotional and sensitive I really am.  It's just hard to let down the imaginary wall between me and others at times because of the fear.  However, detachment from my own experiences and feelings is something I could never relate to.  I love feeling emotions both good and bad.  It makes us human.   Still I think it's interesting to hear other perspectives and see how everyone experiences life differently.

Do you think there is a reason you feel so detached?  Is it a coping mechanism?  Or do you simply believe in fate and think you are just on for the ride?  I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

   

That's the interesting thing. I'm not detached from my emotions. In fact, quite the contrary. They sometimes rule me far more than they should. I go by intuition on many things. A feeling rather than any sort of concrete thought. In fact, during meditation, and my dreams, my emotions are sometimes heightened to an uncomfortable degree. And often that bleeds through into everyday life. I sometimes wonder if they come from the part of myself which feels detached from the person who is living my life. I don't know. Perhaps there's a link between emotional capacity and how in touch someone is with themselves. I don't know. I suspect wiser heads than mine will have to figure that out.

It manifests more as experiences going through a sort of filter. An intermediary. And it's almost as though I feel it in two different ways. The way it affects the person it happens to, and the person inside that person. Who often sees it differently, or muted, or something along those lines. To give you an example: Someone treating me as some guy they saw in the street. Thinking I understand the nuances of a conversation based on a perception of my biology. On the outside, I smile and let the conversation go on. One sided for the most part. But inside, I watch with a detached curiosity. And start asking questions. Like "Would you speak differently if you knew who you were really talking to?" or "What it is about me that you relate to?" or "Why do you feel the way you do about what you're talking about?" or "This obviously makes you feel <insert emotion here>, I can sense it. What is it you're looking for in form of a reply?"

Maybe this detachment is based on how much I am afforded the opportunity to express my true self. Maybe it's a mechanism developed at a very early age. I really can't say. There's very probably a term for it, likely ending in "-osis", lol. It's a very strange feeling though. Like you're living outside time, outside the world. Sometimes it feels, very literally, like being trapped inside someone else. Like being a spirit anchored in a body you neither want nor recognise.

I don't know if I believe in fate. I've never really given it much thought. I think I would rather we have the capacity to make our own future though. That appeals more to me.

[Ltl89]

That's the interesting thing. I'm not detached from my emotions. In fact, quite the contrary. They sometimes rule me far more than they should. I go by intuition on many things. A feeling rather than any sort of concrete thought. In fact, during meditation, and my dreams, my emotions are sometimes heightened to an uncomfortable degree. And often that bleeds through into everyday life. I sometimes wonder if they come from the part of myself which feels detached from the person who is living my life. I don't know. Perhaps there's a link between emotional capacity and how in touch someone is with themselves. I don't know. I suspect wiser heads than mine will have to figure that out.

It manifests more as experiences going through a sort of filter. An intermediary. And it's almost as though I feel it in two different ways. The way it affects the person it happens to, and the person inside that person. Who often sees it differently, or muted, or something along those lines. To give you an example: Someone treating me as some guy they saw in the street. Thinking I understand the nuances of a conversation based on a perception of my biology. On the outside, I smile and let the conversation go on. One sided for the most part. But inside, I watch with a detached curiosity. And start asking questions. Like "Would you speak differently if you knew who you were really talking to?" or "What it is about me that you relate to?" or "Why do you feel the way you do about what you're talking about?" or "This obviously makes you feel <insert emotion here>, I can sense it. What is it you're looking for in form of a reply?"

Maybe this detachment is based on how much I am afforded the opportunity to express my true self. Maybe it's a mechanism developed at a very early age. I really can't say. There's very probably a term for it, likely ending in "-osis", lol. It's a very strange feeling though. Like you're living outside time, outside the world. Sometimes it feels, very literally, like being trapped inside someone else. Like being a spirit anchored in a body you neither want nor recognise.

I don't know if I believe in fate. I've never really given it much thought. I think I would rather we have the capacity to make our own future though. That appeals more to me.

So, it's sort of like on Saved by the bell where Zack could freeze time and think about the current situation?  Bad analogy, I know, but it sounds sort of like that.  I guess we all do that to a degree.  I would say that's less of a personal detachment from the events of your life than it is just being plan observant and curious.  Maybe your so used to being analytical and figuring people out that it makes you feel strange when you can't understand yourself or how you came to be you?  Perhaps there are things about you that you can't comprehend and it creates some personal detachment from yourself?  That I can totally understand.     

[Mariax]

Lots of people talk about being a kid and seeing someone changing a baby's diaper, and realizing then that there is a real physical difference between male and female. I didn't have that, since my folks always believed in being "natural", so my confusion and entrenchment into a male identity started early. Thank goodness I finally have a grasp on what is going on...

Anyway, if everything including the knowledge of physical sex differences was removed from me, I would say I would probably be confused as all get out. No idea how that might play out in terms of gender expression, but it probably would be very disturbing to me. Like someone yelling at me in a language I do not understand.