Since coming out to my parents yesterday, I've been thinking a lot harder about the idea of fully transitioning, and what it would mean to me. But something keeps bugging me. What exactly does it mean to be a girl, and why do I even feel like I should be one to begin with?
If you're talking purely from a biological perspective, a girl is defined on a genetic level as a person with two X chromosomes, and no Y chromosome. Of course, we all know what a problematic definition that can be in practice. There are so many people out there who obviously present as female who don't meet this definition. And it's silly to make the whole thing about DNA to begin with, since actual exposure to and sensitivity to hormones is what determines how you develop.
But then how should you define a girl? This is where it gets complicated. You could say that a girl is someone who has long hair, or wears makeup, or dresses with flashy colors and styles, or wears skirts, or has a caring nurturing personality, or even has the ability to bear children. The list goes on. And yet, for any single thing you can name that identifies someone is a girl, you can name at least one girl that doesn't posses that feature. Furthermore, many of those features could apply to people who still identify as male.
So if I am saying that the identity of a girl fits me better than the identity of a boy does, what does that even mean? Does it mean I posses more feminine qualities than masculine ones? Do I just check the scales, see what side is heavier, and go with it? Does it mean that the things girls usually do come more naturally than the things boys do? Sometimes that's true, but not always. I enjoy things like cooking, but I also enjoy science and technology. For the most part I spend more time behind a computer screen that anything else. Socially, do I fit in better with girls? Most of the time I'm socially awkward no matter who it is I'm talking to. I often times find it more intimidating to talk to girls because I'm not used to it. But for girls I know well, it's much easier, and I tend to get along with them pretty well. But it's not like I can't get along talking to boys either. It really depends more on the person than the gender.
The only thing I can really say for sure is, when I look in the mirror and see a feminine face staring back, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel more confident, and it makes me feel like I'm being myself. So is that it? Is that all there is to it? Is the real reason for deciding you need to transition nothing more than being able to feel good about what you see when you look in the mirror? Is that a good reason? Is it the only reason? This has really been driving me nuts lately. It makes me feel like maybe the reason why I want to transition is just to satisfy my own sense of vanity. What do you think? Am I looking at this correctly, or am I missing something important?
