I lost it

[Joe.]

I just overwhelmed myself and completely lost it. I was looking through boxes of old things and found some make up. I put the make up on and stared at myself in the mirror until I lost it. I started crying and scrubbing the make up off of my face. As a girl I looked ugly. I hate myself. Things have been happening recently which have been hard to cope with. I'm being referred to my community adult mental health service. If it stops my transition then it does. Life has had everything thrown at me and it feels like it's eating me alive. If my transition is stopped I'm not fighting it. I'm sick and tired of fighting and trying to prove to the world I'm a good person. I'm not going to fight for what I want, because one way or another it will be taken from me. I've lost the will to carry on and fight. I don't know why I put the make up on.

[DriftingCrow]

It's okay man, I know you've been struggling lately, but you have such a kind heart. Perhaps thus won't stop your transition but perhaps further it. I am sure some of your depression is from being Trans, maybe if the professionals there's think this too they may help get your medical transition going.

Just hang on.

[Jessica Merriman]

Listen to LearnedHand baby! We won't ever give up on you. We support you no matter what happens, I mean, we are family right? A BIG HUG for you in your time of need. Love you! 

[Joe.]

Thank you both. So much.

[Sephirah]

Joe, I think the makeup was an attempt by yourself to see if it was possible for you to be someone else. Someone you've tried to get away from. An act of desperation to find some answers for the way you're feeling and if that would make it stop.

I think you answered your own question, sweetie. It's just not who you are. No matter how much you might want it to be so sometimes. And that shows the strength of your own self-identity. That you're not prepared to live a life you hate just for the sake of saying you're living a life.

You're still here, Joe. I've been watching you dealing with things life has thrown at you, and you are still here. That says it all, hon. It cannot, and will not break you. No matter how you feel. No matter how much it hurts. Somewhere inside you know who you are, and what you have to do. Things that have driven, and would drive others into the ground... you've got through them. You've reached down deep inside yourself and drew upon that strength we all know is there.

For what it's worth, I admire you. Greatly. I admire your resilience and your capacity to keep going. Your determination that you are who you are.

Rather than stop your transition, hon, I think the mental health team are more likely there to help you. To identify areas in your life which cause you distress and offer help and support to work on them. My advice is to see it as an opportunity, an opportunity to reach out to someone and not have to go through everything alone.

You can do it, Joe. I know you can. I think you're a far stronger man than even you know. You have the love and support of many here, myself included.

*big hug*

[insideontheoutside]

One thing is for sure, you have support here. So come and talk when you need to.

Something I noticed about myself is I would always fall into the deepest despair when it seemed like I just couldn't get a break or multiple things would happen at once. I wasn't good with handling stress, depression, or trying to figure a way out or up. I had to make a conscious effort to find just one thing that was good each day and then move from there. It worked for me and I applied that same type of "small steps" approach to other things. Nothing happens if you give up though, so I encourage you to find your one small good thing each day and go from there.

[chuck]

Hey bub
Sounds like a youre having a pretty tough time. It's totally okay and I think you should feel empowered to make decisions about your mental health. I have checked myself into a sort of mental health (really relaxed type) facility for about 8 days and it really made a big difference. It gave me time and space from my problems and the people there taught me some excellent coping skills. I hope you can take advantage of the time you get.

I know it seems like everything is taken away from you. I had a few moments at the start of my transition (and it was once mentioned in the book "stone butch blues" ) how much control other people seem to have over our lives. The only thing I can say, is that it will pass.

I dont know why you put the make up on either. I tried ony my girlfriends underwear once (I wanted to see what the big woop about crossdressing was) I looked idiotic. Maybe a part of me wanted to see if i could ever look like a girl. I think everyone has interesting urges and sometimes we have to go through akward and painful moments to get to the other side.

Just hang the fak in there. You got this. We are given these challenges to make us strong and help us remember the pain of not being accepted. When break through to other side, you will look back on this sort of thing and it will feel like another lifetime.

[Shaina]

I just overwhelmed myself and completely lost it...If my transition is stopped I'm not fighting it. I'm sick and tired of fighting and trying to prove to the world I'm a good person. I'm not going to fight for what I want, because one way or another it will be taken from me. I've lost the will to carry on and fight. I don't know why I put the make up on.

Joe,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time! Like others have said, you can definitely come here to  vent and we'll all do our best in supporting you.

We all get overwhelmed at times-and you have more reason than some-but don't give up! When it comes to your identity, nothing can be taken away from you that you don't surrender.

::Hugs::

Shaina

[Amelia Pond]

Joe,

I'm sorry you're going through this right now and I hope things end up working out for you. 

*HUGS*

Amy

[Natkat]

Everybody gets tired once in a while its only natural we cant fight for what we want 24/7, somethimes when we get exhausted we need to take a break untill we got the strenght to keep moving to where we want. I think many of us do not think those are nessesarry and we should get it all now and at once, but you cant run a 100miles in 1 day.
dont be to hard on yourself and dont give up because you are tired, just take a break as long as you need, when your mind is clear and you got the strenght again start thinking in small steps where you want to go and how to get there.

[FTMDiaries]

I've had similar problems at various stages of my life: I've gone through periods of trying to be female just to see if I could make it stick. I've tried different clothing styles, hairstyles, hair colours, make-up, hobbies; you name it.... just to see if I could find the one thing that was missing from my life that would finally allow me to figure out how to be a 'woman'.

Well, none of it worked. It felt like I was repeatedly torturing myself, almost like a type of self-harm, to try to force myself to fit in with society's expectations. It was a living nightmare.

Eventually I came to realise that I didn't deserve to punish myself because I hadn't done anything wrong, and that I needed to start sticking up for myself instead. But it took me a long, long time (and quite a bit of counselling & soul-searching) to get to that point.

Hopefully the CMHT will be able to help, but don't forget you can contact your GIC at any time if you need to talk to somebody. Just leave a message for your therapist and they will ring you back for a chat when they're between appointments.

[Robin Mack]

*hug*  I hear you, Joe.  Thank you for doing the right thing; transition isn't some dogma or religious doctrine that requires strict adherence.  We transition because we need to, to fix ourselves.  I'm so incredibly glad (I have no standing to be proud of you, but there it is: proud) that you are doing whatever it takes for *yourself*. 

I agree with a number of these posts, particularly with Sephira and with Learned Hand, this may very well be a manifestation of dysphoria that will get you more help in your transition process rather than delay it... but if it does delay it, and you get to feeling better, that's still a win!

This journey is about *you* and getting to a place where you are suffering less and living more.  Every step you make toward that is a step in the right direction.

*hug*

[Chaos]

One thing i know the feeling of,is feeling like everything is being thrown at you as you try to push forward.After 30 years of living in hell-i finally only found myself a year and a half ago *wasnt ALL that long ago* Since then i had been trying VERY hard to do everything that was needed to accomplish my goals and always hit walls *cant help you,we dont do that,huh?* no doctors,no meds,no nothing (aside from the fact that im 99% broke all the time and have nothing because i threw out my old stuff) and times i flopped down and said *i cant do this anymore,im tired* but everyday i woke up and it was still me.So i thought *there HAS to be a way!?* and even though i knew talking to my GP and local mental health,would bring the possibility of losing services and even my health care,i didnt care anymore.Even though i had been presenting as *my real self/male* that whole year and a half,i thought it was time to make a choice and i did.First i talked to my mental health and said *i know you guys dont do that here and all and off the record,i need to make clear that i AM transgender and i do have every intent to accomplish my future goals and that includes hormones,information changes and even SRS* well i was suprised to find her very supportive *off the record of course* and as time went on,she started getting more involved with my transition herself.She started to ask questions to learn,Was going to help me get the clothes and items i needed for said transition *:O* even said in the future she hopes to start helping people.She even went as far to say that she would *try* and ask around and see if she could help find someone to at least take me on for HRT. *which got no word on that* but it made me feel more confident and i realized *this is the way.I need to do something,even if im worried or afraid* but even after that awesome step,life decided to say *i dont think so* and started to throw things at me to discourage me.I had issues with friends *suddenly* pop up out of no where and i thought *wth?! why NOW!* issues with my own place to live and so many other things but i refused to stop.I said to it all in other words,along with the bird *oh no you dont! i dont care what you throw at me,i aint stopping!* So yesterday i seen my GP and done the same with her and out of ALL the issues and feeling like i wanted to give up,she refer'ed me to a endo and i should be getting a word sometime soon so i can start HRT.And wouldnt you know,right after that an *old friend* decided to break past my block and *try to talk to me again* and i just laughed lol (mind you this friend was a ***** and i stopped being their friend for a reason) so to know this took place after,was another shot and for me now,its not even a worry because there is nothing nor anyone going to hold me back or down.

Edited:
To,per say,Sometimes you need to ball up your fist and punch it/them in the face and say *Get out of my way!!*
(not literally and if thats even something you NEED to do,go for it man!)

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Joe,

The point of therapy is to help you stop hating yourself. They try to give you tools to cope with what seems like the insurmountable. Remember they got into the profession because they actually care. About you. Really.

Don't give up, Joe. The world would be a lesser place without you. 

::hugs::

-maggie

[Joe.]

Thank you all for your replies. I've read every single one and I really appreciate them. I think the make up was to try and be the person everybody wants me to be but it just made me realise that it couldn't be farther from who I am. I'm still feeling low, but I'm trying to keep busy so I don't fall further. I'm having bad thoughts but rather than fighting them off, I'm accepting them at the moment as it helps keep them at bay. The more I fight them, the worse they come back. I'm feeling really isolated and I wish I had a pet or something to keep me company. The loneliness gets too much sometimes.

[Robin Mack]

...
I'm feeling really isolated and I wish I had a pet or something to keep me company. The loneliness gets too much sometimes.

Is there any kind of activity you can do that will get you out and about?  LGBTQ centers in your area, or just a volunteer place like an animal shelter?  I find that when I'm locked inside my head and my dysphoria is screaming at me, getting out helps a lot.  Making a difference in the world helps even more. 

You're gonna make it, Joe.  You're a helluva guy.  I'm certain that you can find people around somewhere who can see that, too.

*hug*

[Joe.]

Thanks. I've been looking up activities online but can't find much that doesn't involve money or is of an interest to me. I want to start an art project but I'm not sure what to do it about. An art project would definitely keep me busy.

[FTMDiaries]

Do you have a DeviantArt account? That can be a good way to do small art projects - and interact with other people - without spending boatloads of cash. Or perhaps you could make stuff to sell on Etsy, CafePress or Zazzle. Just a thought.

I seem to recall that you prefer to work in physical media (rather than in Photoshop or whatever) but you can always photograph your work on a phone and upload it. Plenty of people do that.

Worth1000 is also fun, although it is mainly photography/Photoshop stuff.

All of the above are free of charge, and could easily take up hours of your time.

[Robin Mack]

Do you have a DeviantArt account? That can be a good way to do small art projects - and interact with other people - without spending boatloads of cash. Or perhaps you could make stuff to sell on Etsy, CafePress or Zazzle. Just a thought.

I seem to recall that you prefer to work in physical media (rather than in Photoshop or whatever) but you can always photograph your work on a phone and upload it. Plenty of people do that.

Worth1000 is also fun, although it is mainly photography/Photoshop stuff.

All of the above are free of charge, and could easily take up hours of your time.

Great points, too... and it reminds me:

I'm stuck working in male mode at present.  While I'm out to my boss (who is a contractor himself) the full time client we both have would probably not be supportive at all of my transitioning here.  Rather than risk being out of work, I'm dressing in drag every day.  Something that helps me is my Facebook account, which is set up as my true self (although with a pseudonym, a girl can't be too careful!).  I've invited friends to whom I am out, and made new friends to whom I'm somewhat internet-stealth.  While I do bring up GLBTQ issues, I present myself as female always and interact with the world that way. 

It gives me a space where I can be *me*, without having to fuss with makeup or wigs or worry about the million little things involved in passing.  Perhaps that might help you, too?  *hug*

[Chaos]

Thank you all for your replies. I've read every single one and I really appreciate them. I think the make up was to try and be the person everybody wants me to be but it just made me realise that it couldn't be farther from who I am. I'm still feeling low, but I'm trying to keep busy so I don't fall further. I'm having bad thoughts but rather than fighting them off, I'm accepting them at the moment as it helps keep them at bay. The more I fight them, the worse they come back. I'm feeling really isolated and I wish I had a pet or something to keep me company. The loneliness gets too much sometimes.

First my suggestion is doing what i did and throw away the past and who you arent.Keeping things around that only remind you of that fake image,will only continue to remind you more and put you through more pain.We reach a point that we make a choice and i feel its time for you to do the same.I used to keep certain things around (even if i did throw most out.i only have a very pieces of clothes) and every now and then i would find something else and think *were hiding werent you bugger!* and toss it.Its not who i am so why should i have it? my old pictures *yes even baby* make up,clothes,jewelry,and anything that was apart of that.I want to make new memories of ME and not of someone im not.So i encourage you to find the strength to do the same,even if its starting small with just the make up and work your way up.If your unsure then being alone is the best time because there is no image,there is no opinion,there is nothing but honesty and you.We all go through it *being alone* and its in those times that we find what we need to be ourselves.Stay strong man