Why is gender so confusing?

[matthewzguitarz]

Weird, I was happy calling myself mtf, then I got the stupid idea to bring up gender to my cousins. Found out they think I am gay/bi, and that somehow led to me being unsure about my gender again.

Still hate that I was born a guy, so guess that hasn't changed, but now for whatever reason I have been wanting to identify as androgyne or something. But, I really feel like I should have been born a girl, and have even prayed that I will wake up as one.

I love it when people notice how I act, and wish I could at least look more like a girl. Though, sometimes I think I look like a girl, depending on the time of day, my hairstyle, and what I am wearing.. maybe I should start randomly taking pictures of myself, since like there are no pictures that I actually look good in(only pictures are when I look like a complete geek/nerd, and from when my hair was shorter).

Going to add more details at some point tomorrow(orthodontist again), really late right now.

[Shaina]

Gender is a really tricky concept especially considering it's fluid for some people. How you identify isn't always a fixed notion and it doesn't have to be. Sometimes we get caught up in labels but just be true to yourself. However, don't let your identity be influenced by anyone else, like your cousins for example. The only person who can figure out your gender is you.

You have plenty of time to decide on one, both or neither. Just give yourself some time

[suzifrommd]

Early on I wrote a dozen posts trying to figure out my gender. I've given up on it. My GT tells me that it's not useful to try to label my identity. What's important is what I need to DO.

I know I want to live as a woman, that I've always wanted to be a woman, and that I'm thrilled now that I've been living that way for 4+ months. I still don't "see myself" as a woman, and my sexuality is indeterminate, but according to my GT, that's not important.

I believe strongly that whatever is going on in my brain, it's the same thing that MtFs have, and that we all experience it slightly differently.

I hope this helps.

[matthewzguitarz]

Thanks for the replies, was going to say something but my mind went blank.

Edit: Remembered what I was going to say but it was like 12am so I decided to wait until now. Anyways, after listening to music for a few hours, I know at some point I would love to transition, but that may never happen mostly because I probably would never have the money for it(all of my ideas for a career have really low pay, probably since I either want to help other people, or be a musician). So, I think it would be best to call myself androgyne or something, since also I feel different each day.

[Kendall]

Whatever your cousin said, you can try figuring it out. It don't matter what they think, rather what you are. Take their opinions or anyone's with a grain of salt. Professional opinions may be more valuable, which good ones help  you figure it out. And as shaina says may be fluid and figured out by you. And like ativan quoted emerald is authentic and real. Like suzi says, shopping for labels don';t normally lead anywhere. Authenticity and exploration, or just realizing whats already in front of you can be beneficial. I don't diagnose or judge, I just help others by giving support. You can do it!

[suzifrommd]

I know at some point I would love to transition, but that may never happen mostly because I probably would never have the money for it(all of my ideas for a career have really low pay, probably since I either want to help other people, or be a musician).

I know some people who are transitioning with next to no money. They are very satisfied with their transitions.

[Sephirah]

Gender stopped being confusing for me when I stopped thinking about it and just went with my feelings.

Often that's easier said than done, though. There's one little word that the conscious mind loves to throw around. When you think you have your feelings nailed, are more than happy to go with them, when it all seems so clear... one little word which throws a spanner into the works and makes everything suddenly seem as clear as a muddy lake.

"Why?"

Three letters that make everything infinitely harder than it needs to be. Three letters which make you suddenly question everything you feel, everything your instincts and intuition insists to be the case.

I've found that many times, people know what they want, and who they are, from a place deep inside themselves. Call it Psyche, Higher Self, Soul... no doubt you can think of other terms. But that one little word comes along to force one to explain it. To attempt to rationalise, to categorise, to justify.

"Why?"

Why am I like this? Why do I feel this way and not the other? Why do other people's views cloud my own? Why is everything so intangible? Why can't I be happy? Why should I believe the way I feel? Why can't someone just tell me who I am?

That one little word. It confuses the surface of our mind. The part which has to have an answer for everything. It attempts to force us to explain a state of being. It attempts to force us to grab on to the nebulous mist of instinct and emotion with both hands, and place it under an analytical microscope. It attempts to draw on parallels to rationalise. Masculine, feminine, traits, hobbies, dress sense, observations... "Why?" Creates checklists. Formulas. Benchmarks. Tests one must pass. Quantification. Qualification.

All to satisfy a relatively small part of oneself. Like a rower attempting to alter the flow of a river just through paddling hard enough.

For me, things stopped being confusing when the answer to "Why?" became "Why not?"

[Danielle Emmalee]

Gender is confusing because it is not well defined.  "Male" as a genetic sex is easy to define.  "Male" as a gender, not so much.  You could use stereotypes or what is common to genetically male people, but not all genetically male people would fit that and many genetically female people would fit it.  That doesn't make those genetically male people female just as it doesn't make those genetically female people male.  Another one often used is brain chemistry.  Some genetically male people have a "female" brain.  Some genetically female people have a "male" brain.  Some genetically male people have a "male" brain but still identify as female, so that doesn't work either. 

The other issue is other people telling you that if you are male you can't do this or you can't like that.  It even happens here although usually less intentionally, "Well if you do this and this and that and this happened when you were 7, then you probably aren't MTF/FTM/Androgyne/Whatever."  If a word isn't defined with unwavering and exact precision, how can you know if its what you are?

There are a few words that are better defined like "gender dysphoria" that can help in figuring out what you should do, but figuring out what you should call yourself is and likely never will be that easy.

So what's the solution?  Do whatever makes you happy.  Call yourself whatever makes you happy to do so.  Take hormones if you (and a medical professional) think that it will make you happy.  Wear a dress if that makes you happy.  Come out to your family if that makes you happy.  And by happy I don't mean happy right away or happy all the time, just more happy more of the time than not doing whatever it is.

[matthewzguitarz]

Wow, those posts were really good. Even though it seemed bad when they asked me about this stuff, I think I am going to thank my cousins for asking me about my sexuality next time I see them

Because, like, first I wouldn't have seen these amazing answers, but it also has helped me in other things. Like, for the first time ever, I had enough confidence to go to a public restroom alone(they scare me for whatever reason), I also have listened to music that I never thought I would which is really cool because I just happened to click "Roar" by Katy Perry which inspired me.

Also, I thought about it, and if I hadn't been unsure about the MtF thing, I think I would have probably ended up committing suicide or something really stupid.

Thanks for the posts because I really feel better about myself. Weird since I always thought I didn't care what others thought of me, but I guess I really did since I was looking for a label, and I let a fear of people's opinions judge what I have done the last few years.

[Robin Mack]

...
Thanks for the posts because I really feel better about myself. Weird since I always thought I didn't care what others thought of me, but I guess I really did since I was looking for a label, and I let a fear of people's opinions judge what I have done the last few years.

We all do, to some extent.  And labels *can* be helpful... by letting us know we aren't alone, that there is a category of humans who share our condition called A, and that is different from the majority who are B, but there are also humans in C-Z and beyond. 

I understand, too, the desire not to be labeled, because we are all unique and different.  And labels can be deceiving.  I find the trans-woman or MtF label useful to me, but that doesn't tell the full story.

I'm so glad you are well on your way to self-acceptance rather than self-destruction. 

Hugs and love,
Robin