From SO to just friend

[togetherwecan]

How do you convert?

[Steph]

How do you convert?

I'm finding it hard.  After being with Gillian for 37 years the change is a difficult one for me.  As many of you know we planned for this eventually but...  I feel the biggest issue is to let her to be my friend, you know, there are things you talk to your SO about and wouldn't talk to a friend about, just as there are things you can depend on your SO to provide and a friend wouldn't, the intimacy and affection is a big one.  It's not happening over night but over time as we each find and start to live our own lives the friendship will grow.

Steph

[Ms.Behavin]

It is indeed hard.  My SO and I are just friends, though very good friends.  It sometimes is hard to seperate the past from the current.  In some ways, we are even closer then before as we do talk about just about everything including her new boyfriend and my search for a boyfriend.  We're almost like twins as we both like so much of the same things.  It is by far the hardest price I've had to pay to be me.  Yet at the same time I am blessed to have such a good friend. It takes just a whole lot of time and far too many tears to get to the point of being friends.

Beni

[Janey]

So why did you need to 'convert'? Did the sex you were attracted to change post transition/op, was it your SOs who 'changed', or were you never really attracted to your SOs sex in the first place? I assume by 'just friend' you mean no more sex by the way. I ask because I'm an SO myself, and wondering what to expect?? Is my husband possibly going to start preferring men, even though he's never been interested before? That's my big question...

[rhonda13000]

She went through a grief process, of course and it was hard on her....on both of us.

[softly] It's not totally over.

I'm not her; I can't speak with any authority.....and it's all too easy to delude oneself and for both of us, there still exists a strong....instinct to revert to the former status quo, notwithstanding that both of us intellectually know that this will never happen.

We both accordingly must consciously resist the urge to do this, but it's hard, honey. 

It's hard because we are still living together, we still have a very intimate connection and a mutually felt sense of comfort with each other.

The mutual trust and respect is undiminished, as well as a sense of security and safety with each other.

Time seems to be the primary criterion for readjustment to a different type and tenor of relationship, in my humble opinion and.....slightly sad perception.

[Elizabeth]

I just don't know. I have nothing but respect for those who can do this, but I have never been one. I have never been able to be friends with someone that I was romantically involved with, after breaking up. I am just too emotional. I would prefer not to see them.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[almost,angie]

 I am in total denial of this. I don`t think I can let go. I know my sexual prefrance will not change and if I have to be Carlita`s friend I will live with a whole new pain. I know there will be nobody in this world for me if they have to be second best for me. If Carla can`t be gay then I will live alone with 33 cats. lol

[Steph]

I am in total denial of this. I don`t think I can let go. I know my sexual prefrance will not change and if I have to be Carlita`s friend I will live with a whole new pain. I know there will be nobody in this world for me if they have to be second best for me. If Carla can`t be gay then I will live alone with 33 cats. lol

I felt the same way, but as time passes it is getting easier, at least the anxiety has subsided some what, but loneliness still creeps in every once in a while.  I find that I'm even keeping folks at arms length at the moment, probably something to do with being in denial of the fact that Gill is gone, and that if I accept someone else's affection it would really be an admission by me that she has in-fact gone.  Silly games we play with our selves.

I have made a new girlfriend ( just a friend, I'm not a lesbian - I wonder why I felt the need to say that?) anyway I have a boy friend and although he wants to get intimate and possibly take the relationship to the next level (what ever that is) I find that I'm holding back for the same reason.

Rest assured that there is someone out there for you, but that someone will not materialize until you are willing to let go.

Steph

[Sheila]

I know I can only speak for myself and conject my wifes opinion as a I know it. We have been married for 38 years and we are very good friends. I still love her and she has said the same to me. We are not intimate as she says that she is not a lesbian. I'm not anything. I do not want to be with a man nor do I want to be with another woman. I have only wanted to be with her. Everything else in our lives is as it was before my transition. We both share the chores and we talk a lot together. We are definately connected at the hip. Maybe I am hoping for something that won't be. I would love to intimate again. I understand how she feels that she does not want to be with a woman. I'm definately female, but we have had history together and we still love each other so what difference does me being male or female. I just can't put my finger on it and maybe I don't want to. Just as always, I will be patient.
Sheila