Pink Party

[Dalex]

Alright! As some of you might have known, I was invited to go out and to what is called a Pink Party. Pink Party was something for the LGBT community, a glamorous Halloween party and pretty much went as myself. I thought if I would not manage to pass, that it would at least be alright, since one of the themes for the party was genderbend.  Uhm, I got a few pictures, but they are not really good. There might be better pictures for it later.





My friend who I went with told a few of the guys we were going with that I was a girl through texts, so when they showed up I was just pretty much stamped as a dyke and when I was asked if I was a lesbian, I just openly told them I was bisexual. And the reply I got was "Well, you are getting there." And "Sure thing dyke." Which, I suppose did not really shock me, I had already been getting this sort of things thrown at me from both straight and gay people ever since I came out as bisexual.

But, other then that, those three guys were pretty fun. Two of them had been dating for six years, and seemed rather cute with one another. So, the five of us just talked, threw some jokes around before we went down town to the Pink Party, where the couple we went with payed for everyone's tickets in. Lets just call the couple G and J, just for later in case it will get too confusing to write. The gay couple we went with were both very keen on talking to me, and both of them were really nice. As the night went on, there was two guys who walked past us a few times and it seemed to have been eying me up and down a few times, and a few of the older men as well. Not sure if I was being checked out, or just that they were thinking I was too young since you had be over 22 to get in (Cursed with a baby face...)

So, the Pink Party was alright and around 1 am we decided to go over to Kiki's, which is a local gay bar. There, I did get asked for my ID and the guy at the door just looked rather confused at my ID and to me back and forth. So! After a moment of that, we headed up the stairs where the guys were waiting and once we got there, G approached me and told me that his friend that was the DJ there could hold on to our jackets. So, while I was taking off my jacket, J approached me and pretty much ripped open my button up shirt and tried to pretty much undress me on the spot. I was not really sure how I was supposed to react, so I just laughed it off and pulled my shirt to keep it down and pushed his hands away so he never managed to get my shirt up (*relieved sigh*)

I quickly just made my way to the bar after getting my jacket off, and got myself a beer and at the bar I was groped by a girl... So, in less then twenty minutes, a gay guy tried to impress me and I had my butt and waist groped by a stranger... I went back to the dance floor, stood there like and idiot while I drank my beer. I'm not really much of a dancer these days, and I was not drunk enough to bust some moves on the dance floor, so I just tapped my foot a bit but every time I would look around I could see that J was always glancing over my way. I once again want to note, he is gay and in a relationship, and my friend had already told him I was a girl but I should perhaps also note, he was rather drunk when we left the Pink Party to go to Kiki's.

Lets time skip a bit, since it was just me tapping my foot for a while and drinking me beer.... After a while, the three guys said their good buy's. G told me he had a wonderful time getting to meet me, J just stood there and nodded his head, and the third guy kissed me on the cheek. Me and my friend danced a bit for a bit longer before getting our jackets. And who do I meet when I am heading out? My crazy ex girlfriend with a bright red lipstick on my cheek after the kiss, walking out with a tall girl dressed in almost all the colors of the rainbow (Okey... I'm exaggerating here a bit, but I think you can see what I meant with the picture above) And the first thing my ex looked at, was my chest. Or well, the lack of one... Well, it was pretty much awkward.

And that is how the night ended, I went home and just wished I had been born a cis guy and my dysorphia went through the roof after that. And... I apologize for my really long post, just needed to get the night out of my head...

[LordKAT]

Sounds like a happy but unhappy thing. Also like it might have been a bit confusing, It usually is the first time. Having someone tell people you are a girl probably wasn't the most helpful. The ID thing you will probably never really get used to. I'm glad it was some fun though.

[Dalex]

Sounds like a happy but unhappy thing. Also like it might have been a bit confusing, It usually is the first time. Having someone tell people you are a girl probably wasn't the most helpful. The ID thing you will probably never really get used to. I'm glad it was some fun though.

Yeah... It was a rather confusing evening. There were times I had fun, yet after the whole night I just wanted to crawl into bed and just stay there... My friend I was going with was someone I had come out to as well, so she knew as well... But what confused me the most really, was when the guy that is called J in my post, was when he pretty much tried to undress me just right then and there on the dance floor. At least I manged to fix the button up, so I can use it again.

*Ruffles hair and slaps cheeks*
Fleh! Time to pull my head out of the dark place it is in right now. Again, I apologize for that long and confusing post I wrote.

[~Kaiden]

No apologies, brother!  Everyone's gotta vent sometimes, and that's some vent-worthy craziness.  I would feel the same way, especially after getting grabbed by random people like that. @_@  Geez.  I wish things had gone better for you, especially since you were so excited about it, but like you said, crap happens.  But I know this won't keep you down.  You know why?  Because you are a boss, and nothing can keep down da boss!!! 

Hopefully, one day you will be able to look back on this night and laugh about it.  Until then, it's a rough road we travel, and there will probably be many bumps, but that's why it's good to have friends armed with napkins when the coffee gets spilt XP (I know, stupid analogy, but it's 6:30 in the morning and I haven't slept, so yeah, that's what I got XD)  In the end it will be worth it, so stay positive and try not to let it get you down.  You know I got your back, buddy.   And I have plenty of napkins! XP

But be proud of yourself. You got out there and you went for it.  I still have yet to attempt to go out in public in male dress. You've got a lot of courage, so no matter how the night went, remember that.  

And whatchu talkin' bout not good pictures, you look awesome!  Very Cobain-esque!    As a native of Seattle, birthplace of the Grunge, I give you my stamp of approval

Here's a ridiculously cute puppy to help cheer you up! XD

[Jessica Merriman]

Dalex, my little brother, sounds like a very confusing night. Sounds like you handled it well though. Hope things get a little more settled for you in the future. Sorry, just big sis worrying again. Glad you had the experience and some fun.

Kai, I just love the puppy!!!! It is soooo cute. 

[Robin Mack]

Dalex...

Your evening describes what happens after I have a wonderful time out and about as the real me with amazing precision.  If I had Icelandic ancestors, I'd swear we were related... but then, we kind of are, brother.

First off... *hug*  You have come so incredibly far in such a short time.  You look amazing in those photos, you seemed to pass so well you even had gay guys after you.  That is incredible, and it is something to be celebrated. 

Now for the oddball advice from auntie Robin...

It seems to me (from observing myself and my kids as we grow and develop) that as we develop, as we push ourselves into situations requiring change, our minds take a while to catch up with us.  It's almost like our minds are creatures of habit, returning constantly to behaviors and thoughts that are entrenched and comfortable and they tend to get rather cranky with change.  According to some traditions, the subconscious is the source of emotions and is also tasked with remembering trauma to protect us from repeating traumatic events.  If that is the case, it would make sense that your conscious mind is on fire to explore new things but your subconscious gets dragged along and attempts to manipulate you back to the earlier "safe" behavior with its only tool; emotions.

I'm trying an experiment, treating my subconscious like a small child.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, a child won't want to go to school, or to visit grandma, or whatever.  They whine and fuss and cry and you just can't reason with them.  Parents are often tempted to give in at that point; why take a child who obviously doesn't want to go?  The problem with giving in (in a situation like that) is that the child learns that she or he is in control, and can manipulate the parent.  While it *is* important for parents to listen to their children, it is just as important to establish that they are in control (this is for the child's well-being; children aren't good at making life-shaping decisions yet which is why they have parents).

So, when this happens, the whole "suck it up, dude" or "put on your big girl panties" attitude comes into play.  While those sound harsh, to me it seems like the subtext is "show your subconscious you are in control, so your life can be under your conscious command.  Otherwise, I'm learning, lasting change is impossible (just as raising a well-adjusted child who grows into a successful human being is impossible when a parent gives in to their every whim throughout childhood).

So, when this happens, maybe it will help to realize you aren't alone, that you are re-training your brain (which has built up a lot of behaviors over the years to keep you safe) to let go of some of that safety to make room for future happiness.  The subconscious seems to be more concerned with protecting you than helping you be happy.  I guess it reasons that as long as you are alive you will have future opportunities for happiness... but it's not really all that good at handling that.

*hug*

Of course, as with all of my advice/theories/whacky suggestions, this is worth exactly what you paid for it. 

[Dalex]

Robin, Jessica and Kai, thank you all very much for reading my rant here. And yush! That is what I did! I sucked it up, and learned from it. If anything, I think this has given me a bit of an inside to how things might become. That night just confused me a lot, and I just did not know how to interpret how the night went. Besides! I'm good at taking things like this, spin it a bit and make it into a story to laugh about! And to tell the truth, knowing of all of you here has given me a whole lot of strength and for that, I would like to thank all of you.

I also got some news! But to tell the news, I suppose here comes a bit more into my background. I go to courses since I have been diagnosed as crazy. Okey, I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and I am there to learn how to become 'normal'. Okey, I might have been able to put that in better words, but I think you know what I mean. I actually came out there and told them that I have never been a girl, and that I was a FTM. The news are, it seems that they also do gender therapy there and help those to take those steps since someone that used to be there, was also a FTM so they wanted to have that in their program as well. Which means, if I am correct, my gender therapy might actually be free Which is awesome, considering I don't really get a lot of money from the government, aaaand it means I might actually be faster at saving up for a top surgery.

Now it is just to muster up the courage and tell the rest of my family and friends XD  I have been picking and choosing the ones that will take it better then the others. I feel very tempted just to announce it on Facebook and see what happens >.>

And one more thing, Kai? Love the puppy! *hugs the puppy*

[Robin Mack]

Congratulations!  That is *EXCELLENT* news!  Having medical professionals who understand and are in your corner can be a huge help... plus counselors, too!

I'm sorry you've gone through PTSD inducing stuff in your life... but I'm grateful you apparently are finding yourself in an excellent place to transition! 

*happy dance*

[Dalex]

Thank you Robin And as for the PTSD, it is just the collection of stuff that has happened over the years that has ->-bleeped-<-ed up with a few brain connection on how I respond to things. Because of that, my friend insists that I am just a confused female, even though all of this has always been there even before those events. Well, she will come around.... I hope... Else I will loose a friend I have had for three years now. But! As my  sister and other friend pointed out, if this is something to them that will make them stop talking to me, it means they were not truly my friends to start with. And now I am rambling again xD Sorry!

[~Kaiden]

Robin, nothing wacky about that advice at all!  In fact I find it quite helpful!    I really do sometimes feel like my subconscious is like a small child throwing a tantrum, and sometimes I'm not sure if I should give in or suck it up and do what needs to be done.  But I think that's a great way to look at it! So thank you for that!

And Dalex, I hope you get that free therapy!  That would be awesome.

[Adam (birkin)]

That's awesome that you got noticed by gay guys, I think that for a lot of us that can be sort of a "right of passage" lol.

But I'm sorry about the rest...I know that I personally found gay spaces to just be upsetting a lot of the time. Putting together those who didn't take your bisexuality seriously, and those who saw you for someone you're not, I can see why you'd feel very drained and sort of want to just hide away.