Before this week I had never spoken to anybody about my gender issues, not even strangers on the internet let alone people I knew (this is my first post here).
I've always known that I was different from other women but it's only been the last couple years that I've really figured out why. I've been kind of slowly getting more and more androgynous. I got my hair cut into a mohawk, stopped shaving my legs or armpits, started wearing more boyish clothes etc. to experiment with how I felt. I found that I really liked being more manly and this prompted me to start some intense soul searching and internet research in the past couple of months.
I got to the point last week where I felt like I had settled on the truth within myself, though I still have a lot of questions yet to answer too. Suddenly it felt like I was being dishonest by keeping this to myself so I resolved to tell someone.
My first was a txt to a friend. I know I really should have called her (she lives in a different city so meeting in person wasn't an option) but every time I thought about it my heart would beat too hard and I felt like I was going to be sick. This is despite the fact that she is a part of the LGBT community herself and an incredibly accepting person. I was pretty much guaranteed that she would react really well. So I sent her a txt saying "I've been feeling like being a girl isn't right for me any more." She reacted fantastically and declared that I would make a hot boy. After the first few txts I called her and we had a long talk about it. It was really weird and pretty scary to start talking out loud about these feelings which had, to date, only been inside my head. I had been considering putting off telling my husband until I felt a bit more certain about myself but she encouraged me to talk to him sooner rather than later. I decided to take her advice.
That night we were going out to a party so I thought it would be unfair to tell him right before that so I resolved to make it the next day. I spent the whole day panicking and sweating. Heart beating, feeling nauseous from nerves. I opened my mouth to tell him a few times but ended up saying other stuff instead. Short story - I was too nervous to say anything.
The next day he had work all day until late so that wasn't going to happen. I decided (again) that I would definitely tell him the next day. To make it easier I drew a diagram with continuum lines for sex, gender identity, gender expression and sexuality and marked myself on each one. The next day came around and I took until about 11am working up the courage to speak. I couldn't do it. In the end I wrote him a note in my notebook and passed it to him to read instead. It just said "I don't want to be a girl any more, I know you'll disagree, can we come to a compromise?" He looked up and said "Is this serious?" I was so highly wound that I couldn't speak. I just nodded and burst into tears. He immediately took my hands in his and said that he didn't care. That no matter what I looked like he knew who I was and that that was the important thing.
This was yesterday. We've spoken about it a bit more since but not heaps. He's been fantastically honest about his feelings and has even started to joke with me already about it. I feel a bit silly for being so scared to tell him.
In a way, it feels like in telling them, I also came out to myself. It's like, before this was just thoughts in my head and now it's a real, true thing that two other people know about me.
Since then I've been oscillating between euphoria and panic. I think I've gone through more extremes of emotion in the past week than I have in my whole life to date. Over all though, it feels good. I know now that I can start to explore my masculine side without freaking out my husband. I'm going to book an appointment with a counsellor soon and start to make decisions about what I need to do to be happy with myself.
