Very upset, dont know what to do

[~Kaiden]

Okay, just to let everyone know, i am about to go on a rant.  What started out as a really good day wound up with a not so good end.  This might be a bit long, but i hope you will read it, because i need some advicse, and i may not actually be on the forums much longer. 

Good news first, though, I guess.  I came out to my cousin, and she is all for it.   One of the first things she said was "Yeah, you've always been such a tomboy.  You've never really been feminine."  So, she wasn't surprised at all. XD  We talked about it for a bit and she said she'd support me 100%. Her only concern was that i do it the right way.  I assured her i had every intention to and i was already working on getting into therapy.  She even offered to help make me up like a dude. She used eye shadow to make it look like i had stubble. XD We took some pictures, and i think i look kinda ridiculous, XD but it was fun.  I would put up a couple pictures, but unfortunately i cant use my computer right now.    Which goes into the not so good news. 

Before i went to my cousins, i went with my mom and her bf to drop off my brother at my dads place.  It wasnt until we got back that i realized my moms bf had accidentally taken my bag out with my brothers stuff and left it there.  My dad lives over an hours drive away. so it wasnt like we could just turn back around and go get it.  The bag had my laptop charger, among a lot of other important things, so yeah. Luckilly, i can still get online using my xbox, but i tell ya, its not easy typing with this little controller keyboard, but right now i feel lucky i have it. XP Thats why my spelling and grammar are probably so terrible right now. X3 i dont know when i will be able to get my charger back, it depends on when my brother is coming home, which could be as long as a week from now.

But now comes the big shabang.  Now, i feel like i am going to sound like a brat saying this, but please understand, i am very, very agoraphobic.  My only real social outlet is though the internet. And after finding these forums, its been the first time in a long time i havent been feeling so alone anymore.  But today my mom announced she was getting the internet shut off because she cant pay the bill anymore.  I got pretty upset.  I can't get mad at her, because we do have a lot of money problems, and since i cant really work because of my anxiety i am really no help financialy.  But i tried to talk to her about it and explain to her how important it was to me to keep it on.  I'd just come out to her a few days ago and told her about this amazing support group i found and how i dont know what i would do without it.  I tried to ask her if there was any way we could be able to keep it on, but she didnt even wanna talk about it.  She just got mad and pretty much told me to go hawk my stuff if i wanna keep the internet on and that she has her own problems to deal with.  We got in an argument and I ended up going back up to my room in tears not having succeded in getting her to listen to a single word i said.

I just dont know what i am going to do if she does it.  I am going to try to talk to her about it again tomorrow.  I feel kind of pathetic, to be honest.  Maybe thats just my mom getting to me.  She trests me like a spoiled teenager, but she doesnt understand.  Without being able to talk to people online, i feel utterly and hopelessly alone.  And i dont think right now is a good time for me to be alone.  These past few weeks have been some of the happiest, most stressful, and the most enlightening of my life and i feel like not being able to come here and talk to people will not only pull my progress to a hault, but cut me off from the only real support system i have and possibly put me in a very dark place.

I'm sorry, this was a really long and dramatic post, but i had to get it out. i have to be honest, i am terrified.  Being agoraphobic is bad enough, but without the internet i am pretty much cut off from all human contact.  I am terrified of being alone. Just the thought of it is making me shake as i write this.  I dont know how i am going to handle this.  I dont know if i will be able to make her understand.  I cant go through this on my own.  I NEED you guys.

If anyone has any advice, i need some very desperately.  I cant really believe this is happening right now.  I have no idea what to do.

[DriftingCrow]

Sorry things are getting shut off. If you're close to your cousins and if she has internet, could you use it over there once in awhile? Also, libraries have free internet, would your anxiety prevent you from going to a library?

I don't think asking your mom to leave the internet on will be fruitful. It can be really expensive, especially if you have high speed or fios. If theres money problems, that $50+ a month is needed elsewhere. People don't usually shut off the internet without giving it much thought.

If you get into therapy for GD soon, you should also bring up your anxiety. Maybe the therapist could help you with that.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I can't add to what Henry just said. I hope you can find a way to keep visiting us.  Hugs, Devlyn

[~Kaiden]

Sorry things are getting shut off. If you're close to your cousins and if she has internet, could you use it over there once in awhile? Also, libraries have free internet, would your anxiety prevent you from going to a library?

I don't think asking your mom to leave the internet on will be fruitful. It can be really expensive, especially if you have high speed or fios. If theres money problems, that $50+ a month is needed elsewhere. People don't usually shut off the internet without giving it much thought.

If you get into therapy for GD soon, you should also bring up your anxiety. Maybe the therapist could help you with that.

Thanks LearnedHand.  I could go to my cousins sometimes, but still, that would only be once or twice a month   and i dont know about going to the library.  The closest one is several miles away and i dont drive, walking there would probably be too much anxiety for me right now

Yeah, it is expensive, and i feel kind of selfish becouse i'm really the only one that uses it.  But, i dont know.  maybe i am just freaking out right now because i havent been sleeping properly, and plus its "that time". XP  i know it wont be shut off forever its just... really bad timing.

And yes, i definately plan to bring up my anxiety to the therapist when i see them.  i have wanted to see a therapist about my anxiety long before i even realized i was GD.

[~Kaiden]

Also hugs Kai.  When I'm internet access challenged, I take my little notebook out to McDonalds or Starbucks to use the free WiFi, if that's not too big a problem for your Agoro.  Many will even have wall outlets that they don't mind you using.  I'm facing the possibility of losing my internet for a while, due to a billing dispute I have with Comcast right now, I know how much it sucks to lose it.  Does your Mom's service include a lot of features (Tv, phone, premium channels, etc) that might be eliminated for economy?  Perhaps if those were removed, your Mom might be willing to keep just the internet service.

Thanks for the suggestion, Joules.   Starbucks I might be able to do.  There is one just down the street, so maybe. She only has the internet and phone bundled, so not much elimination room there.  I am hoping i might be able to negotiate something with her.  i think we could figure something out, if she would just talk to me about it calm like.

As for the neighbors, i suppose i could give it a try, although i dont know exacly what i would tell them. XP

[~Kaiden]

Big hug! I can't add to what Henry just said. I hope you can find a way to keep visiting us.  Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks, Devlyn. *hugs*  I hope so too.  I'm gonna miss you guys.

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Kai, nooooo. 

This is very sad news. Starbucks will probably want to you buy something before you sit down. Tea is inexpensive, but it will add up. The library is free even if it seems impossibly far away. Just something to consider. Also, I imagine your brother is going to want internet when he returns, yes? Maybe he'd be willing to walk with you to the library to help with the anxiety?

A sympathetic neighbor might be willing to let you use their wi-fi if you don't eat up the bandwidth downloading all manner of stuff. This would be a great solution if you're friendly enough with any of them.

I really hope you work something out, I'm sad at the thought of you being all isolated and feeling lonely.

If you are cut off for a time, don't think you've somehow been left. You're still a part of this family, that won't change. We will still be here cheering you on. Don't forget that.

love,
-maggie

[DriftingCrow]

My starbucks method: bring a reusable cup, your own tea bag, and then just ask them for the hot water. Leaving a $1 or so tip is good.

[~Kaiden]

Kai, nooooo. 

This is very sad news. Starbucks will probably want to you buy something before you sit down. Tea is inexpensive, but it will add up. The library is free even if it seems impossibly far away. Just something to consider. Also, I imagine your brother is going to want internet when he returns, yes? Maybe he'd be willing to walk with you to the library to help with the anxiety?

A sympathetic neighbor might be willing to let you use their wi-fi if you don't eat up the bandwidth downloading all manner of stuff. This would be a great solution if you're friendly enough with any of them.

I really hope you work something out, I'm sad at the thought of you being all isolated and feeling lonely.

If you are cut off for a time, don't think you've somehow been left. You're still a part of this family, that won't change. We will still be here cheering you on. Don't forget that.

love,
-maggie

Mehhh, Maggie!  *clings to your leg*  I hope we can work something out too.  I cant tell you how sad I am going to be if i get cut off from everyone.  I feel like theres this cloud of impending doom over my head and I already just want to crawl into my bed curl up into a ball and never come back out.

I did get to talk to her a bit again this morning.  She was a little more willing to have a civil conversation.  We hatched out a plan, sort of.  I'm gonna try to find a cheaper ISP.  And I guess I might be able to get on some disability because of my anxiety.  Which I have been told to do before, but I dont like to think of myself as disabled. Ive been kiding myself into thinking Its not that bad of a problem and I can fix it on my own.  But I cant. I'm 27 and I have been trying to figure out how to fix myself my entire adult life with little sucess.  I guess its finally time for me to swallow my pride and admit i need help.  

But I am glad I am finally getting into therapy, at least.  That will help a lot.  I need to get my life together, and not just for me.  I have a 3 year old niece.  My mom and i are raising her because my sister got into the wrong crowd a while back and pretty much abandoned her. I get really scared sometimes because my mom is in pretty poor health, and when shes not around anymore, I'll be raising my niece on my own.  I need to be able to provide a life for her, and as of right now, thats pretty much impossible.

Sorry, guys.  I am rambling and rambling and spilling my guts everywhere.    I am just panicking right now.  I should try to pull myself togrther.  I dont usualy fall apart like this.

[HeatherR]

Call your ISP and tell them you plan to cancel because it has become far too expensive to keep... They will likely offer you a promotional price to keep you... Tell your mom to do this by asking for "retention department"

[~Kaiden]

Call your ISP and tell them you plan to cancel because it has become far too expensive to keep... They will likely offer you a promotional price to keep you... Tell your mom to do this by asking for "retention department"

Thanks, Heather. I will try that!

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

I found this, it might be able to help you find a decent provider. Be careful, I can't vouch for it not being full of scams or whatever. Just trying to help. 

I'm glad you're getting help. All the same, venting is just what this is here for. Don't worry about that. Seems like you have more than enough to worry over already. I'm sorry that you're in such a precarious position. I wish I could help.

Don't be shy about PM'ing me if you want to vent some more.

love,
-maggie

[Dalex]

It seems everyone above me have placed some pretty good advice. I understand about you agoraphobia, it is a bit here on my end, but I have more of a social phobia. People are scary.... >.> But, even though you are asking for financial help, does not mean you are any less of a person, remember that. And besides, people mooch of the government for even less, and have been for years because the genuinely just don't want to work and there is nothing wrong with them.

I suggest you talk to your mom, and let her know you are thinking of seeing if you can't get some money into the house as well, and perhaps help her pay some of the internet connection as well if you are able to?

And also, if you were still thinking of what you could say to your neighbor if you are thinking if you can use their wifi. You can tell them that something came up, and you internet provider is trying to fix the problem, but you have to use the internet due to your work. (You are a writer! And a little white lie does not hurt anyone ) Just an idea.

I'm here if you ever want to vent, through PM's or on skype. Remember, I got big ears

[~Kaiden]

It seems everyone above me have placed some pretty good advice. I understand about you agoraphobia, it is a bit here on my end, but I have more of a social phobia. People are scary.... >.> But, even though you are asking for financial help, does not mean you are any less of a person, remember that. And besides, people mooch of the government for even less, and have been for years because the genuinely just don't want to work and there is nothing wrong with them.

I suggest you talk to your mom, and let her know you are thinking of seeing if you can't get some money into the house as well, and perhaps help her pay some of the internet connection as well if you are able to?

And also, if you were still thinking of what you could say to your neighbor if you are thinking if you can use their wifi. You can tell them that something came up, and you internet provider is trying to fix the problem, but you have to use the internet due to your work. (You are a writer! And a little white lie does not hurt anyone ) Just an idea.

I'm here if you ever want to vent, through PM's or on skype. Remember, I got big ears

Thanks, man.   And you are right, people are scary. XP  I think my agoraphobia is more or less caused by social anxiety.  I've had social difficulties ever since the first grade.  Verbal communication has always been hard for me, probably why i write so much .  In school, i was pretty much a mute.  I just never spoke because i was to nervous to.  At home i was fine but I'd go to school so lock jawed I'd come home and my tongue would be stuck to the roof of my mouth.  People would often assume i was deaf and i got called the R word a lot by the other kids.  Er... yeah, school wasnt very fun for me.

I've been trying to figure out how to start making a little money, but i feel pretty limited with my anxiety.  I really have no income, aside from the $200 I get in foodstamps every month, and maybe a little cash from my dad every once in a while.  Now and then I manage to get the nerve up to apply for jobs and go to some interviews, but every time I never end up getting hired, and the process is so stressful it ends up just draining me and making my anxiety worse.  I end up feeling like theres something wrong with me because i cant get hired and I just end up hitting a wall.  I don't know if i would even be able to hold a job if i did get one as bad as my anxiety is.  I dont really know what else to do, but I'm open to suggestions if anyones got any!

And thank you for the suggestion for the neighbors. I might try that.  It is kind of true, writing does require a lot of research at times.  XP  So it wouldnt really be a lie.

Ergh... it seems i went and spilled some of my guts again.  XP  Sorry about the mess, guys...  Ehh... I'll go get the mop... >.>

[Dalex]

Thanks, man.   And you are right, people are scary. XP  I think my agoraphobia is more or less caused by social anxiety.  I've had social difficulties ever since the first grade.  Verbal communication has always been hard for me, probably why i write so much .  In school, i was pretty much a mute.  I just never spoke because i was to nervous to.  At home i was fine but I'd go to school so lock jawed I'd come home and my tongue would be stuck to the roof of my mouth.  People would often assume i was deaf and i got called the R word a lot by the other kids.  Er... yeah, school wasnt very fun for me.

I've been trying to figure out how to start making a little money, but i feel pretty limited with my anxiety.  I really have no income, aside from the $200 I get in foodstamps every month, and maybe a little cash from my dad every once in a while.  Now and then I manage to get the nerve up to apply for jobs and go to some interviews, but every time I never end up getting hired, and the process is so stressful it ends up just draining me and making my anxiety worse.  I end up feeling like theres something wrong with me because i cant get hired and I just end up hitting a wall.  I don't know if i would even be able to hold a job if i did get one as bad as my anxiety is.  I dont really know what else to do, but I'm open to suggestions if anyones got any!

And thank you for the suggestion for the neighbors. I might try that.  It is kind of true, writing does require a lot of research at times.  XP  So it wouldnt really be a lie.

Ergh... it seems i went and spilled some of my guts again.  XP  Sorry about the mess, guys...  Ehh... I'll go get the mop... >.>

Don't worry about it, it's what friends are for, right? I'll help you clean up the mess the best I can!

What I can suggest that might help, how about trying charity work? The main thing with that, is you would be around people, but because it's charity work, when you feel like it's too much you can take a step back and breath. You can also talk to them, and let them know about your anxiety, and I am sure they would understand and give you time to breath if it comes down to that. The down side is you wouldn't be getting payed, but it could help ease you into society with small steps

[~Kaiden]

Don't worry about it, it's what friends are for, right? I'll help you clean up the mess the best I can!

What I can suggest that might help, how about trying charity work? The main thing with that, is you would be around people, but because it's charity work, when you feel like it's too much you can take a step back and breath. You can also talk to them, and let them know about your anxiety, and I am sure they would understand and give you time to breath if it comes down to that. The down side is you wouldn't be getting payed, but it could help ease you into society with small steps

Haha, thanks buddy.   And thats another good suggestion.   I will have to look into it!  Hopefully i can find a place in reasonable walking distance, I'm sure theres gotta be one.  And I'll just think of it as free on the job work training. X) lol

[LordKAT]

and looks good on a resume.

[Dalex]

As LordKAT said as well, it will look great on a resume as well, and it is looked very well upon by people who are looking to hire

I'm not really fully in how it is there in the states, but here where I am some charity work is posted online or in a local news paper, where they also just host free courses of all sorts of things.

[~Kaiden]

As LordKAT said as well, it will look great on a resume as well, and it is looked very well upon by people who are looking to hire

Very true!  And even more of a reason to give it a shot.     So, itd be kinda like killing two birds with one stone!  (although i hate that expression. i love birds XP lol)

Thanks again everyone.   I am feeling much beter now.  The support here is truly invaluable!  Which is why i got so panicy.  I donno what I'm gonna do without it.   But I'll manage.  Its comforting at least to know I'll still have this place to come back to when i do get things worked out.    I've still got about 3 more weeks I think before the deadline, so hopefully that will be enough time to figure something out!