Please help me. I need some help sorting through my thoughts. NSFWish

[ineedyourhelp]

I don't really know where to begin with this so I guess I will just jump in. I think I might be transgender, but I really don't want to be. Well let's start at the beginning...

From my earliest memories, I have always been different from the other guys. I would get barbie dolls, and polly pockets along with my Power Rangers. I had an obsession with my mother's pantyhose. I convinced my sister that we should try on each other's clothes. We moved to another state when I was in the 1st grade. While I still occasionally played with my Barbies and my sister's dollhouse, by this time I had pretty much moved on to the Gameboy. It was sometime after this that I started wishing that I could have boobs(like my mother, and aunt, etc.) because at that time that was really the only difference that I knew existed between men and women. Once I learned that the genders were different in more ways than one, I started wishing that I was a girl. I used to pray to God every night to come down and change me. I would even sleep naked so that he wouldn't have clothes be in the way of his work. At this point I guess my mother had decided that I was old enough that it was time to eschew from my less than manly attributes. I remember one of the big things was that I would put my hands on my hips or something and my mother would chastise me and say that only women stand like that and I was not a woman. I remember one day an episode of Just Shoot Me came on and while I had never seen it before or had any idea what it was about I was fascinated by it because it was the episode where David Spade's childhood friend shows up as a woman. One night I ran into a documentary about trans people on abc and I was hooked. I remember being ecstatic that there were people who felt the same way I do! I wasn't alone! I'm not a freak! So I went and told my mom about this documentery that I just watched and she looked concerned and ask why I was watching it and if I wanted to be a girl. I knew the look on her face wasn't good so I panicked and said that I just found it interesting. From that point on I knew what I was feeling wasn't good and that it was shameful so I tried to bury it deep inside. That worked pretty well most of the time. It would come to the surface during times like when we would sleep over at our cousins' house ( who were all girls) and when it became "bedtime" all of the girls got to go into their room and continue on while I was stuck on the couch. We moved a few hours away when I was in the 8th grade. While it was still there, it wasn't as bad because I was able to start having a more social life. (where we lived before was so small it was pretty much impossible). I made friends, played sports, it was a good time. I became a normal guys guy from all outward appearances. This worked all the way through high school. When I was a senior I finally got my first girlfriend. I didn't really like her(I liked her, but as a friend) but I wanted a girlfriend so I went along with it. I liked girls but I never got that drive that guys have to participate in "the chase". It didn't help that every time I wanted to be with a woman I also wanted to be her.

Something happened when I went off to college though. The feelings came back with a vengeance. I started actually dreaming that I was in the middle of transition. And in the past if I had ever let myself ever think about being a girl I always pictured myself as someone like Ellen Degenerous. When the feelings came back though I started having more feminine desires. I fell into a depression and I failed my first semester. So I transferred back home to go to a local college and live with my parents. Things didn't get much better and it caused a big "wound" with my relationship with my parents and how they see me. It was a rough three years or so but it has been getting better these last couple of years. I am now about three semester away from graduating. However sometime last fall I developed really bad anxiety. Especially Health Anxiety. Last Christmas I was convinced I had ALS. Now my anxiety has waned but my depression is back. And the transgender feelings are high again.

So there you have it. I don't know what to do. Is my depression and anxiety related to my feelings? Or do I just happen to be a crazy person with a bunch of random mental ailments? Can you help me get rid of my transgender feelings? When I was growing up I just told myself that they were just a part of who I am and I was unique so I kept them in the back of my mind. Now i'm almost 24 and I have anxiety and depression, I live in my parents house, I have no money, and I am still in school watching all of my friends pass me by. I worry for my future. Because right now I am a 6'3" 350lbs super hairy man with large feet who wants to be a girl. I'm a freak.

So how do I get rid of these thoughts and desires? I learned long ago that I could cause them to disappear for while if I masturbated. Unfortunately the amount of time I had free from these thoughts lessened and it required more masturbating. I have gotten to the point where I have to masturbate 4-6 times a day. I can't do that for the rest of my life. And it's effectiveness is wearing off more and more. Please help me. I just want to be a normal 23 year old guy. I want to want to be a man. I want to be normal. When I was younger I never wanted a boring life. I wanted one that was unique and had an adventure. I always imagined that would involve me inventing something that changed our lives, or traveling the world helping those in need. Be careful what you wish for I guess.

Sorry for the wall of text, but once I started I couldn't stop.

[suzifrommd]

A lot here, I'll do the best I can to answer your questions.

Transgender people feel a lot of the things you feel - the desire to live as a member of the opposite sex, fascination with clothing and appearance of the other sex, and often anxiety and depression.

No one has ever found a way to make it go away.

That's the bad news.

The good news is that if you are indeed transgender (and only you can say that for sure), there are thousands who have gone ahead of you. You can learn from us, find out what did and didn't work for us, and decide how you can best deal with it.

I'll say that discovering my true gender and transitioning to live in that way has helped me in amazing ways.

Please don't look on your physical being as a limitation. People of all sizes and shapes can successfully treat their transgender.

What is your next step? Here's what helped a lot of us when we were where you are:

* Finding a therapist who specializes in gender issues.
* Reaching out to other transgender people, both in your local area and online (you've obviously already done the online part:) )
* When you're ready, trying various ways to minimize your dysphoria, such as adopting a female name, going out presenting female, and learning what being female means to you.

Welcome to Susan's. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[Erin Brianne]

First off welcome to Susan's.  A lot of people including myself share a very similar story to the one you portrayed here. The best advice is to seek out a therapist that specializes in gender. Let him /her help you sort things out.  If you truly are as you have described then no matter what you try, these feelings will always come back.  I too tried for many years to suppress them. I started a family, joined the military.  Each time the feelings came back they got worse.  You are in the information age where you have access to research and learn.   Seek your help and remember, dont be afraid to ask a question.   Chances are someone here has asked it before

Hugs baby girl!!

[Rachel]

Welcome, you are not alone. I agree with what Suzi said.

Therapy with a gender therapist is what I recommend.

Your identity will not go away and hiding will complicate your life even more.

Acceptance, from yourself is step 1; begin and you are 1/2 way done.

[Jamie D]

I can tell you from my own experience, that getting these things off your chest is healthy.  Here begins the journey of the rest of your life. 

Personally, I don't put much stock in "societal gender expectations" (how a society expects people of a certain sex to act), or in "gender presentation" (how you present yourself according to societal norms).  These things change from culture to culture, society to society, and from time to time.  They are emphemeral.

On the other hand, "gender identity" is very important.  It is your self-conception, quite apart from your biological sex.  It sounds like some of your identity issues are of long standing.  At the same time, you might have other things, like your anxiety, that are masking the underlying reality. 

While you are still in college, you should take advantage of any counseling/therapy services that might be available through you student health center.  It is important to sort these things out.  And if you find that you are, in fact transgendered, then you need to think about your own road map to your authentic self (be it androgyne, transssexual, whatever).

That likely means losing weight and thinking about cross-hormone therapy.  But you are young, and have time to figure this out.

[Ltl89]

Welcome!

I remember being 23 and crying while wishing that I could just be normal.  I'm now 24 and still wish for the same thing, lol.     I too also live with my mom and know what it's like to be broke.  In addition to that, I've always had to shave in order to not be hairy and know how annoying that is.  So, believe me, you are not alone here, lol.

I'm very hard pressed to say that there is a way to get rid of these feelings.  Most have wished for that at some point in their life and have found themselves disappointed.  Truthfully, acceptance is one of the only ways that can really make you feel better.  Now, I won't say what path lies ahead for you.  Acceptance of your trans feelings does not mean you should have to live one way or the other.  I won't make any suggestions to you as it is your choice on how you proceed.  What I will say is that you should at least try to embrace how you feel and come to better understand why you are feeling this way.  It can lead you to some really important self reflection and maybe will provide you with the solace which you seek.  Don't run away from who you are.  Come to understand and accept whatever that is.  Again, acceptance comes in all forms, so don't take that as an endorsement to do anything permanent.  I'm just saying you should try to learn how to love yourself for who and what you are.  It's not easy all the time (believe me, I know and still work on it myself) but if you do that the answers will come to you in time (whatever they may be).

As for now, have you tried therapy?  It really may help you better understand yourself and come to terms with what you are feeling.  At the very least, you may find an agreeable path for yourself. 

Again, welcome and best of luck with everything!

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Hi,

Smarter people than me have already spoken. I will add my voice to those that think therapy is a great idea. It doesn't mean you're crazy or weak or anything like that, there's no shame in it. I can also tell you that I didn't experience peace or happiness until I was able to accept myself for who I am. That lasted for a week and now I'm a nervous wreck about the unknown future.  But, I'm no longer suicidal. This time the light at the end of the tunnel isn't another oncoming train. For the first time in a very long time I know what hope is. Maybe if you can come to terms with who you are you can find some peace, too.

One of the great things about this place is that you don't have to be any special way to be here. You're welcome as you are, and that's not nothing these days. As you can see the people are intelligent, insightful, welcoming, kind, and so very ready to help. I can't say enough good things about them. Come on in, take off your shoes, and stay awhile. Ask many questions, read, think, and maybe you'll be able to find the answers you're looking for. Don't think you're a bother to anyone, you're a part of the family. Take all the time you need. There's no hurry.

love,
-maggie

[LordKAT]

You already have some good advice but I want you to know one more thing.


You are not a freak, or if you are, you are in good company. There are millions (more likely a billion) with the same feelings as you, same desires and dreams as you. It is possible to alleviate the worst of these and be happy with who you are.

[ChelseaAnn]

Your first paragraph sounds almost exactly like my experience, except for the early female toys.

So you're transgender, no big deal. You know, it's different, and different is usually "bad" when perceived by other people. I kept it hidden for 15 years (btw, that's almost half my life now) because I "knew" it was wrong. Well, now I'm out, and I'm the happiest person I know.

The good news is that just because you're transgender doesn't mean you have to transition, and even if you do, it doesn't make you a freak. See a gender therapist, and tell him/her how you feel. It's tough dealing with the "I don't want to be that" feelings, but I found that if you just accept them, you'll be happier. I spent most of my post-high school life pleasing others, and putting aside what I wanted. Well, now I finally took something that I wanted, and believe me, the feeling is wonderful. Granted, I'm not transitioning yet, but I know I will be, and that is something that keeps me smiling all the time.

Just a few things: be prepared. Educate yourself a bit. Use some of Susan's resources, and be prepared for your family. Want to know why? I'll list my family.

Mom: confused, upset she'd be losing her son, but was 90% sure that's what it was
Dad: has been finding all sorts of risks associated with transitioning and hormones ever since he found out
Brother: "I'll refer to you as my sibling" (yeah, like that's gonna fly)
Father-in-law: Couldn't believe I lied for 8 years (how long I have been with my wife), basically disowned, an embrassment, and apparently was "never part of the family
Mother-in-law: See Father-in-law
Sister-in-law: Won't acknowledge me, also implied I was a pervert, because she accused me of looking through her laundry

That's the basic list. As I said, be prepared. And no, you can't NOT tell them. They'll find out/figure it out eventually. If they haven't already. Sorry.

[Randi]

One item in your litany of things gone wrong that stands out to me is the 350 lbs.

Your age is one thing in your favor, but that is somewhat negated by the unhealthy factors associated with being obese.  I think you derive comfort from food.  You may also be deriving comfort from the increased estrogen levels associated with your condition.

I think you are transsexual and that this will never change.  Here's a biological fact you may not know:

There is an enzyme naturally produced, primarily in fat cells, that converts testosterone to estradiol, the most potent form of estrogen.  It is called Aromatase.  At 350 lbs you are certain to have large amounts of aromatase.

Your body has solved the original problem.... being male bodied with a female mind... by stumbling on a method to convert much of your testosterone to estradiol.   Of course this makes you feel better.  Unfortunately it will also eventually shorten your life considerably unless you take corrective action.

I have my own problems, since I weigh 240 lbs and need to weight closer to 185.  I'm working on it though.  I have been in weight watchers for 18 months and walk a lot and attend water aerobics classes regularly.

As you age, it will never become easier to lose that extra weight.  I can't tell you how to do that, but a good start would be walking.  Hauling around 350 lbs burns a considerable amount of calories.

I didn't mean to lecture you about your weight, because you don't need that.   

I want you to know about the action of aromatase.  You've been getting the estrogen you crave and the resulting lowering of testosterone through the internal conversion of this enzyme contained in your fat cells.

You may very well NEED the estrogen, but you should know that there are other ways to get that.

Best Wishes,
Randi