I spent several hours crying last night, which is...well, it just doesn't happen anymore on T.
For one, I had a bad dream. my dream involved someone I care for very deeply dying in her sleep. And waking up from that made me realize something. The moment I realized I was "different", around age 11 or 12, I stopped making close friends because I could no longer trust anyone with my emotions. It doesn't matter how smart I am, how well I put myself together, how good of a person I am - I'm different, and I'll always be the other. I'm not Caleb, I'm the "trans friend." I do have people who understand trans stuff, who get me and love ME, and I'll do anything for those people. But they're so few and far between. And if one of them died in real life...I don't know how I'd be able to be OK. I'm still heartbroken over my dog dying, and I still miss my hamster that died over a year ago, how could I handle a real person?
It felt good to cry, but it's so hard having to pack it all away and be strong.