Quote from: caleb. on January 05, 2014, 07:12:08 PM
I spent several hours crying last night, which is...well, it just doesn't happen anymore on T.
For one, I had a bad dream. my dream involved someone I care for very deeply dying in her sleep. And waking up from that made me realize something. The moment I realized I was "different", around age 11 or 12, I stopped making close friends because I could no longer trust anyone with my emotions. It doesn't matter how smart I am, how well I put myself together, how good of a person I am - I'm different, and I'll always be the other. I'm not Caleb, I'm the "trans friend." I do have people who understand trans stuff, who get me and love ME, and I'll do anything for those people. But they're so few and far between. And if one of them died in real life...I don't know how I'd be able to be OK. I'm still heartbroken over my dog dying, and I still miss my hamster that died over a year ago, how could I handle a real person?
It felt good to cry, but it's so hard having to pack it all away and be strong.
You just sound like a good person. Life is a give and take. We know people and love them, but that means we will fear losing them. Friends, family, pets...it's the time we have with them that makes it worth while.
Tennyson on the subject:
"Oh yet we trust that somehow good
Will be the final goal of ill,
To pangs of nature, sins of will,
Defects of doubt, and taints of blood;
That nothing walks with aimless feet;
That not one life shall be destroy'd,
Or cast as rubbish to the void,
When God hath made the pile complete;
That not a worm is cloven in vain;
That not a moth with vain desire
Is shrivell'd in a fruitless fire,
Or but subserves another's gain.
Behold, we know not anything;
I can but trust that good shall fall
At last—far off—at last, to all,
And every winter change to spring.
So runs my dream: but what am I?
An infant crying in the night:
An infant crying for the light:"
