It seems I'm only good for one thing...rant/triggering

[maximusloverus]

I'm "out" and F***ING PROUD OF IT, DAMMIT!

My car and I get a LOT of "thumbs up" when people see it...

I get honks, but thats because I have "Honk if your horny" on my car lol. Maybe one day we'll find each other and i'll give you a thumbs up and you'll give me a honk 

[Rachel]

Hugs,

I have a positive not previously mentioned. I have seen pics of some of the dishes you have made and they look fantastic. I can almost smell and taste the food. I always wanted to make a meal that took skill and looked and tasted fantastic.

You are a survivor! You have special qualities that have helped you to survive and thrive with a birth defect that society at large does not recognize. You share with others your special gifts, understanding, compassion and humor. You are extraordinary.

[Beth Andrea]

Do you have some people you trust? maybe you could move your comfortzone by going out with them on a cafe or something. I did that with my Mtf friend when she where to go fulltime. I think it made it more easy to go out when she wasnt alone.

Yes, I do have friends I can trust, but they don't live near me. As long as I'm with someone whose hand I can hold if needed, I do a lot better.

Being alone is very hard. It's not that I'm afraid, it's that a BIG part of "me" doesn't see the point of trying.

When I was younger I was ra*ed...even as an adult, I'd put myself in places where unwanted sexual contact would happen...only when I was alone. Most of those times I wouldn't remember the actual event, but the evidence was there.

In school and in the military I'd go out and try to meet people...but for years I'd come back empty-handed. Or worse--come back with new "baggage" from comments people made, how I'm ugly or stupid or fat or can't dance or gay or "enjoy little boys" (they had no idea how deeply THAT comment hurt)...

At some point coming home alone or to an empty house started becoming a Hell to me.

I just never learned how to enjoy life. And it's become a burden. My depression is so entirely within me, it's like being pulled out to sea by a strong current...I can't save myself, I need someone to throw me a rescue ring...

[Beth Andrea]

Now having just posted all that misery, I can say that depression is part behavioral and part chemical.

When I smiled last night because of the comments and pictures here, I could feel the washing of new endorphines in my mind...similar to when I was able to suppress T and began to be on E, although much faster.

All I have to do is figure out how to tap into that part of the mind, and (hopefully) I'll be good to go.

(btw, the "behavioral" element I mentioned is about bad habits of either action or thought...but it is the sense of despair brought on by the chemical imbalance which is, in my case, affecting my efforts at making new habits.)

Thanks for being here, my friends.

*hugs*

[Beth Andrea]

Morning Beth, hugs.  Good to hear things are better.  Have a great day!

You too!

Yeah, it does feel like a good day is gonna happen.

(another positive: nearly persistent optimism...or should that be pessimistic optimism? LOL)
*hugs*

[Amelia Pond]

Beth, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better today. If I lived near you (I've been wanting to move to WA for quite awhile), I'd let you come cry on my shoulder anytime.

*BIG HUGS*

Lots of love and hugs,
Amy

[Beth Andrea]

Beth, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better today. If I lived near you (I've been wanting to move to WA for quite awhile), I'd let you come cry on my shoulder anytime.

*BIG HUGS*

Lots of love and hugs,
Amy

Well, come on over! Boeing's going to build the 777 here for the next several years, and they hire for a LOT of different things. And of course for every one Boeing job, there's probably 10 sub-contractor positions.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Being 'alone' does indeed suck.

Most of my hobbies are essentially performed solo. It tends to result in my being 'alone' a lot. It's better though to be doing something while actually not 'alone'. Never read a book alone, if you can walk to a library and do it with people around for example. Never enjoy a quiet coffee at home alone, if you can do it at a coffee store surrounded by people.

Go shopping for nothing, just consider it going for a walk while walking past people in stores. People like to get out for the exercise, but walking all over a mall, or alone through a park is only different in that one is done surrounded by people.

Humans are social creatures. It is never good for us to spend too much time with no one else present.

[Amelia Pond]

Well, come on over! Boeing's going to build the 777 here for the next several years, and they hire for a LOT of different things. And of course for every one Boeing job, there's probably 10 sub-contractor positions.

I wish it were that easy Beth. I'll probably need to wait until I finish school. So maybe in a few years.

Amy

[Eva Marie]

I'm glad that you are feeling better Beth. I can identify with being alone since that keeps happening to me.

When you are alone how do you fill your time? I try to stay busy with chores or go outside and walk or hike, or listen to music/read a book. The worst times are when I allow myself to sit around in my apartment with the shades drawn and isolate myself, so I'm trying to break that habit. Please don't isolate yourself; we are social creatures and we need some interaction with other people to stay mentally healthy.

Take care-
~Eva

[Beth Andrea]

I'm glad that you are feeling better Beth. I can identify with being alone since that keeps happening to me.

When you are alone how do you fill your time? I try to stay busy with chores or go outside and walk or hike, or listen to music/read a book. The worst times are when I allow myself to sit around in my apartment with the shades drawn and isolate myself, so I'm trying to break that habit. Please don't isolate yourself; we are social creatures and we need some interaction with other people to stay mentally healthy.

Take care-
~Eva

I shut down. I can literally feel the switches in my head. I have tried to "pull myself out of it", but anxiety kills off any motivation.

I do have multiple personalities (diagnosed), and I'm aware of several of them but there are others who I can only barely detect. Sometimes they just don't want to go out.  These "personalities", btw, are actual elements of the Self that I should have had; we were broken apart as a survival measure when we were very young.

I am one of them...but, all inside agree that if we are to be healed, it will be done thru me. They all trust me inside (as opposed to the loathing (fear?) of the former male who was the "outside" one). We've bottled up so much emotional energy (like despair, for example) that occasionally it spills out during a struggle (either from trying to force myself to go outside, or from a painful flashback) and gets all of us soaked.

DID is something that takes years to heal. And we need to trust people again.

Everyones replies here, and the atmosphere overall here at Susan's, helps with rebuilding trust. Thanks.

[Eva Marie]

Ah.... that makes more sense to me now. I have several friends that are multiples so I understand a little better what you are dealing with.

Hopefully your system finds a good balance soon.

[LordKAT]

Well, come on over! Boeing's going to build the 777 here for the next several years, and they hire for a LOT of different things. And of course for every one Boeing job, there's probably 10 sub-contractor positions.

Did I hear employment?

[Natkat]

Yes, I do have friends I can trust, but they don't live near me. As long as I'm with someone whose hand I can hold if needed, I do a lot better.

Being alone is very hard. It's not that I'm afraid, it's that a BIG part of "me" doesn't see the point of trying.

When I was younger I was ra*ed...even as an adult, I'd put myself in places where unwanted sexual contact would happen...only when I was alone. Most of those times I wouldn't remember the actual event, but the evidence was there.

In school and in the military I'd go out and try to meet people...but for years I'd come back empty-handed. Or worse--come back with new "baggage" from comments people made, how I'm ugly or stupid or fat or can't dance or gay or "enjoy little boys" (they had no idea how deeply THAT comment hurt)...

At some point coming home alone or to an empty house started becoming a Hell to me.

I just never learned how to enjoy life. And it's become a burden. My depression is so entirely within me, it's like being pulled out to sea by a strong current...I can't save myself, I need someone to throw me a rescue ring...

It's not to late to learn in life.
I see the point of not feeling like trying, I had this period where I don't know why I should even try, it comes on and off.
I think deep down we all has a reason to try but we somethimes forget it because everything ells get filled in our brain like the idiot comments.
I think people like those had something nagging in there soul.
I think you are a beutiful woman in your own way. you are one of the people on susan which gives a smile and life, at least I feel so.

[Beth Andrea]

Did I hear employment?

Yes! We talked about last night, yes? I think so, anyway.

[Amelia Pond]

Did I hear employment?

Will you need a roommate when you move to WA? With the way things are going, I may try to go sooner rather than later. 

[suzifrommd]

Tell me, what value do I have?

I love reading your posts. I love your attitude toward transition. I remember a lot of your stories - the one where you first got your hormone prescription stands in my mind. A bunch of other ones where you talk about the sexual pleasures of woman hood.

You have inspired me, Beth. Literally. I don't say that about many people. I don't inspire easily.

Hang in there girl. One day your wonderfulness will become as clear to you as it is to me.

[LordKAT]

My dream has been to live in Australia or Oregon. Washington is pretty close to Oregon and would fit the bill. So Employment and a roomie to share the rent sounds reasonable, at least on the surface. Now for the details.

[Beth Andrea]

My dream has been to live in Australia or Oregon. Washington is pretty close to Oregon and would fit the bill. So Employment and a roomie to share the rent sounds reasonable, at least on the surface. Now for the details.

Will you need a roommate when you move to WA? With the way things are going, I may try to go sooner rather than later. 

I'm so excited!!

Two friends coming over, definitely maybe!!

Keep me up to date, and I can be a source of local-ish info.

FYI, rent in my area for a 1br = $700-800, 2br = $850-$950 (usually does not include utilities (~$40/month) electricity = ~ $35/month. PM if you want to look into it further.

I love reading your posts. I love your attitude toward transition. I remember a lot of your stories - the one where you first got your hormone prescription stands in my mind. A bunch of other ones where you talk about the sexual pleasures of woman hood.

You have inspired me, Beth. Literally. I don't say that about many people. I don't inspire easily.

Hang in there girl. One day your wonderfulness will become as clear to you as it is to me.

Wow, thank you! You've inspired me, as well. There's something about you that makes me excited to see what you've written.

*hugs*

btw, I feel Really Good today...attended a class which is needed for the divorce...now I have all my ducks in a row on THAT issue...just gotta wait about a month for the hearing, which should be a slam-dunk.

Yay! Maybe if I can get some of the stressors out of my life I'll feel better. Next one on the "short" list is my passport...filed, but someone in the office didn't actually read the application apparently... (I filled it out with my name (Beth), provided an original of the court order for the name change, a copy of my DL, and one mention of my previous name in the "Names you have also gone by" line...but they say I'm still "him" and need to show proof of my name change...

[LordKAT]

EEp!!! Wages better be real good. I am suffering paying $440 for rent & house payment combined. Electric is about $85/mo and heat about $45/mo.