Melissa came out to me October 10th this year. I'll remember that date forever. Since then it has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Some of that is because Melissa was still trying to figure herself out. It seemed like it kept getting worse every day. Melissa started out as just being a crossdresser. I could have handled that just fine. Then it changed to living full time, then taking hormones, then dreaming that SRS would be possible in the future. The hardest part of this was going through the self discovery along with Melissa. We discussed the "D" word a few times during all this. All of this went too fast. October 11th she plucked her eyebrows then started shaving everything. I got mad everytime she did something new to alter her body. We had decided that she would wait until after she went to a therapist and give me a little time to absorb this. She wasn't able to keep her promise to wait. This is what made me angry. Even though I am accepting and supportive now, I am still angy about how she handled the process.
Now to my process. After I got used to the shaved body and some of my anger subsided I started to like the new bod. I think then I started noticing a change in behavior and started thinking about the positives of a more sensitive spouse. I was ok with frequent dressing up but I still wanted to have my husband occasionally and a male father for the children. Then a new BLOW! Wanted to eventually live full time. After anger subsided I decided I liked playing with the fake boobs and wanted real ones. That Made Melissa happy. Seeing Melissa happy made me happy. Started negotiating the date of full time living as a women. I wanted to wait until after the kids were adults. The more we discussed that the more Melissa was distraught. This is about when we realized that Melissa was TS and really wished for the surgery. She agreed to not do the surgery as long as we were still married. Back to living full time. The idea of waiting that long put Melissa over the edge and I had to stop Melissa from killing herself. I called the crisis line and she was talked down. At that point I realized how severe this was for her and I went into mourning. I went into a deep depressive state for two days. I was mourning the loss of my husband. After that things started getting better. Looking back I realize we were starting a new relationship. It became a little exciting just like any new relationship. Both of our behaviors changed toward each other. We were both more attentive.
Last week a really big change happened between us. Since our communication had improved so much I was able to discuss Melissa's body image and how that affected our sex life. I think I was able to figure it out before she did. I tried something different and feminized her man parts and that helped but it wasn't enough. I thought things over for about a week and then surprised her with the news. "I will support SRS." I think her body almost floated away when I told her that. Now Melissa with no doors shut to her is now able to focus better on being happy now. Having the attitude, "I'll be happy when...", doesn't work.
Last night we went out on a date. We were both gorgeous. We went to Red Lobster and then we went to a gay bar. Melissa had never been to a gay bar before. That was fun. I really enjoyed being able to show affection toward Melissa without anyone staring. I am very demonstrative.
There is so much more I could add but I'll leave that for next time. I'm sleepy. It's four in the morning and I haven't slept yet. I've been searching for the best SRS doctor for Melissa on line. Why I have to do this in the middle of the night, I don't know. I'm nuts.
Talk later
Shari
