You are
far from 'a ->-bleeped-<- human being'.
Let's have a look at what some of the people here think of you. These are all quotes from your Reputation Log:
Quote from: LearnedHand"kind, generous, loving person"
Quote from: Malachite, Devlyn"So Proud of You!"
Quote from: Sephirah"Thank you so much. Your encouragement means a lot."
Quote from: Sephirah"For totally just making my day. Thank you!"
Quote from: Cindy"A remarkable man who is an inspiration to all"
Quote from: Yuki-jker86"thank you for the support, I feel stronger."
Sounds like a pretty decent human being to me! Those comments have come from people who are pretty darn inspirational in their own right; those amazing people think the world of you. And so do I, as you well know.
You're going through a difficult patch at the moment, and yes, you're hurting. A lot. That's perfectly understandable; you're a caring, loving, decent human being who just wants someone to hold him and tell him it's going to be OK. Well, if it helps, I'll pop down your way, stand on my tippy-toes, hug you and tell you it's going to be OK.
You have moved from one period of your life to another, and everything is a bit up in the air at the moment. But things will improve. It really,
really does get better. Sadly, life is like this. We all go through periods of relative calm, followed by what seems like one disaster after another. But those periods of calm do eventually return, if we just hold on tight and ride out the storm.
Those friends who've decided they don't want to hang around with you any more are acting immature. Actually, no, scratch that - they're acting their age. You, on the other hand, have a wisdom and maturity beyond your years - as you can see from the comments I've quoted above. Hopefully your friends will come round in time, but if they don't? Well, you're all moving on with your lives anyway, so you'll be making new friends soon. And those new friends will only ever have known you as Joe, so they'll accept you for who you are right from the start. I've said to you before that it's very common for people to lose touch with school friends when we graduate, and that it is very painful when it happens - because we've known those people for most of our lives - but this is a natural part of being an adult, unfortunately.
As Cynthia Michelle so rightly said, being trans is not your fault. It isn't your fault if other people can't accept you. You were not put on this Earth to fulfil other people's hopes and dreams. That's
their job.
Your job is to live your own life to the best of your ability. Keep being a good person, keep being yourself, and keep holding onto the dream of that more secure, more settled 25-year-old I'm always banging on about. Because he's just waiting in the wings; he needs your help to get to where he's going.
And please, don't self-harm. Internalising your pain will only makes things worse for you. Could you please try to find a more appropriate way to express those negative emotions? Y'know, someone very wise recently suggested to me that it's a good idea to write a letter to whoever is causing you pain, to deal with those emotions in a non-destructive way. Why not give it a go? It's a great idea, and it was recommended to me by somebody I think the world of. As do Cindy, Sephirah, Devlyn, LearnedHand...
