I haven't posted much lately because I've felt low and detached from here and my life. I'm a terrible person.

I have lost my friends because of my transition and because of who I am. I can't cope. I can't cope with this overflowing sadness and loneliness that is taking over me. I don't know how to deal with losing somebody who is still alive. Maybe if I was born different everything would be ok. It's all my fault.

I've fallen so far into the hands of depression that I've been self harming every day. I haven't done it this frequently in a long time. I can't stand this pain anymore. It feels like my stomach has been ripped out.

Tonight I pushed away somebody dear to me because I'm a ->-bleeped-<- human being.

I want help but I can't help myself. I'm terribly alone. I need somebody to hold me and tell me things are going to be ok. Nobody will do that. Everybody has somebody and I'm the stupid guy who isn't capable of being loved.

My life is so dark. There is no light anymore. It all died out a long time ago.

You're not the only one. I'll bet almost every person here has walked, or will walk the same path you're on. It'll be all right, just get yourself through today. Hugs, Devlyn

Hugs Joe, If I could hold you I would.

Being trans* is not your fault, you are a wonderful person and a survivor.

It is never too late to reach out to the person you dissed and apologize.

You will make real friends who love you for who you are.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

It does get better Joe.PM me if you want to chat

You are far from 'a ->-bleeped-<- human being'.

Let's have a look at what some of the people here think of you. These are all quotes from your Reputation Log:

Quote from: LearnedHand"kind, generous, loving person"

Quote from: Malachite, Devlyn"So Proud of You!"

Quote from: Sephirah"Thank you so much. Your encouragement means a lot."

Quote from: Sephirah"For totally just making my day. Thank you!"

Quote from: Cindy"A remarkable man who is an inspiration to all"

Quote from: Yuki-jker86"thank you for the support, I feel stronger."

Sounds like a pretty decent human being to me! Those comments have come from people who are pretty darn inspirational in their own right; those amazing people think the world of you. And so do I, as you well know.

You're going through a difficult patch at the moment, and yes, you're hurting. A lot. That's perfectly understandable; you're a caring, loving, decent human being who just wants someone to hold him and tell him it's going to be OK. Well, if it helps, I'll pop down your way, stand on my tippy-toes, hug you and tell you it's going to be OK. 

You have moved from one period of your life to another, and everything is a bit up in the air at the moment. But things will improve. It really, really does get better. Sadly, life is like this. We all go through periods of relative calm, followed by what seems like one disaster after another. But those periods of calm do eventually return, if we just hold on tight and ride out the storm.

Those friends who've decided they don't want to hang around with you any more are acting immature. Actually, no, scratch that - they're acting their age. You, on the other hand, have a wisdom and maturity beyond your years - as you can see from the comments I've quoted above. Hopefully your friends will come round in time, but if they don't? Well, you're all moving on with your lives anyway, so you'll be making new friends soon. And those new friends will only ever have known you as Joe, so they'll accept you for who you are right from the start. I've said to you before that it's very common for people to lose touch with school friends when we graduate, and that it is very painful when it happens - because we've known those people for most of our lives - but this is a natural part of being an adult, unfortunately.

As Cynthia Michelle so rightly said, being trans is not your fault. It isn't your fault if other people can't accept you. You were not put on this Earth to fulfil other people's hopes and dreams. That's their job. Your job is to live your own life to the best of your ability. Keep being a good person, keep being yourself, and keep holding onto the dream of that more secure, more settled 25-year-old I'm always banging on about. Because he's just waiting in the wings; he needs your help to get to where he's going.

And please, don't self-harm. Internalising your pain will only makes things worse for you. Could you please try to find a more appropriate way to express those negative emotions? Y'know, someone very wise recently suggested to me that it's a good idea to write a letter to whoever is causing you pain, to deal with those emotions in a non-destructive way. Why not give it a go? It's a great idea, and it was recommended to me by somebody I think the world of. As do Cindy, Sephirah, Devlyn, LearnedHand...

Quote from: Joe. on November 13, 2013, 07:22:17 PM
I haven't posted much lately because I've felt low and detached from here and my life. I'm a terrible person.

I have lost my friends because of my transition and because of who I am. I can't cope. I can't cope with this overflowing sadness and loneliness that is taking over me. I don't know how to deal with losing somebody who is still alive. Maybe if I was born different everything would be ok. It's all my fault.

Who have you lost for being you? Any "friends" that would leave you for being true to yourself, aren't really your friends to begin with. That doesn't make you a terrible person, that makes them terrible people. You're a very caring and wonderful guy. You're a much better person than those "friends" of your's. You deserve to have people in your life who can see that.

QuoteI've fallen so far into the hands of depression that I've been self harming every day. I haven't done it this frequently in a long time. I can't stand this pain anymore. It feels like my stomach has been ripped out.

Knock it off man! No one hurts my little brother, not even himself.  I will find a way to fly across the pond and give you a giant hug if you don't stop it. That may not be good incentive. I'll beat you up too.

I used to be heavy into self harm when I was a teenager. I have scars covering my body to prove it. Doing so was one of the biggest regrets in my life. I understand feeling the need to self harm but I also understand it's something you'll have to live with. You have real friends here who love you and want you to be happy, myself included. When you feel the need to harm yourself, come here and talk to us instead. We can try our best to ease the pain you're feeling so that you no longer feel the need to self harm. I beg you to do this. I hate that you feel you have to resort to this.

QuoteTonight I pushed away somebody dear to me because I'm a ->-bleeped-<- human being.

First of all, you're not a ->-bleeped-<- human being. Second, yes, I was upset with you but you didn't push me away. You'll have to turn into a ->-bleeped-<- human being to do that and you're nowhere near being that way. I can't tell you enough how much I love/care about you. I'm sorry that you felt like a terrible person over what happened but friends have disagreements, it happens. It doesn't mean that we're going to stop being friends and doesn't mean you're awful. You'd have to do an awful lot to actually push me away.

QuoteI want help but I can't help myself. I'm terribly alone. I need somebody to hold me and tell me things are going to be ok. Nobody will do that. Everybody has somebody and I'm the stupid guy who isn't capable of being loved.

I wish I lived nearby because I would hold you and never let you go. Remember what we talked about the other night? That is still open if that would help you get your life together. You may be physically alone right now but you have a lot of people who care about you right here. *HUGS*

QuoteMy life is so dark. There is no light anymore. It all died out a long time ago.

Please don't talk like that. It may not seem like it but the light is right in front of you, you're just too blind with depression to see it. Take it from someone who has lived in that dark place for most of her life, there is happiness in your future, you just have to find a way to get out of the darkness without hurting yourself.

I'll always be here for you if you need to talk. Please stop hurting yourself, the temporary relief isn't worth it in the long run.

Lots of love and hugs,
Amy

Thank you for your replies everybody. They've made me feel a bit better about myself. You're all right. It's not my fault, but it doesn't stop me feeling like it is. I appreciate all of your support, it means a lot. It's nice to feel like I'm not alone in this. I'm going to try and stop the self harm. I know I can do it because I've stopped it before. Thanks again for all of your messages and support, it means a lot to me.

You mean a lot to us, you know. Hugs, Devlyn