How can a lesbian still call herself a lesbian while dating transmen

[Brandon]

This has never clicked with me, How is that possible, My lesbian associates see me as strictly a man and wouldn't wanna date me, Ive hear so many lesbians and bi women say the will not date cis men or I hate cismen but like ftms, I don't know its just been boggling my mind and I honestly find it highly offensive, Even though I only date straight women and bi women, I mean Ive been on youtube and have read through numerous forums on that disscusion

[Danielle Emmalee]

Some people define their sexuality based on genitals rather than gender.  If the trans guy is post op, I really couldn't tell you.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Here's a few possibilities.

1) Her partner began transition after the relationship had started and she's sticking by him.

2) She doesn't see the transman she's dating as a man.

3) She's dating a transman anyway despite her sexuality.

I don't know its just been boggling my mind and I honestly find it highly offensive

I would find it offensive too, that's very rude.

[Brandon]

Here's a few possibilities.

1) Her partner began transition after the relationship had started and she's sticking by him.

2) She doesn't see the transman she's dating as a man.

3) She's dating a transman anyway despite her sexuality.

I would find it offensive too, that's very rude.

That's what I was thinking, Ive heard lesbians say the only date women and transmen,

[Ruthven]

Yeah, there's this thread on another site where there are a couple lesbians saying they'd get with a pre-op trans guy and I don't know I just feel it is kinda offensive. I could understand if they were lesbian with exceptions, but they never said that and their sexuality indicator thing didn't say anything about exceptions...

It made me feel like they don't see us as true guys. They even called what we had "girl/female parts" and it made me feel really uncomfortable and stuff...

[BrotherBen]

In defense of these lesbians, I do think that it's possible to be attracted not just to the body parts involved or to people they consider women, but to masculine people who were socialized as women. I think if someone genuinely regards and treats a transguy as a man, but still wants to date him and identify as lesbian, who am I to tell her differently?

[Cindy]

Hi Brandon,

I think that while we are comfortable with our gender identity we may still be seen as 'interesting' to homosexual men and woman as they can confuse sex and gender.

The difference between gender and sex is a difficult concept for non-transgender people to understand. We just have to carefully explain to them. There is (usually) no intent in purposely insulting the transgender person in these circumstances, it is just confusion.

That was a nice post BTW, an interesting observation.

Cindy

[Jack_M]

Some people are more just scared to leave a community if they were with someone prior to them coming out and stayed with them.  They may well treat their partner as a man and see him as a man but being a lesbian may have been a big part of their past and they're maybe not so able to just drop out of being a member of the LGBT community and become just an ally.

To them they may justify it as having fallen in love with a female and then they later became a man and they loved them enough to stay with them.  But perhaps they don't have a sexual attraction to other males elsewhere.  For example they may not have any man crushes for actors, but fancy just women.  This doesn't mean they don't love their partner, but to compare, most crushes are for the stereotypical handsome or sexy individuals.  But in reality, we don't all get into relationships with people anywhere near the league of unatainable people we crush for.  If you're not a douche at least, you'll fall in love with all sorts of people because in the end personality should win out over what you look like. 

And that's why some will still identify as lesbians.  They are sexually attracted to women, but not men, except in their current relationship because they've fallen in love with the personality.

I guess to compare, lets use Steve Buscemi.  No offense to the guy, he seems like a nice guy, but he's not exactly A list Hollywood handsome.  Straight girls are more likely to lust after the Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Goslings (what's with the name Ryan?!) but in reality they can fall in love with the not so handsome.  But even if they wound up with someone who wasn't the typical definition of beauty, they probably still won't lust after the Steve Buscemis of the world despite that.  They still lust after the hot guys and they'll be their main go tos if that relationship should fail.  The person identifying as lesbian may feel that this is an exception, but if the relationship was to fail, they'd go back to just women.

I understand that concept, but only that one.  I find it offensive for any lesbian to lust after FTMs.  Because in that case, they really do abandon the lesbian designation and switch to bi!

[Brandon]

Who cares about labels?  Shouldn't it be about relationships?

Well I'm a straight male and I like women in some cases, I do care about lables, Because the relationship aint gonna work after a while

[Brandon]

In defense of these lesbians, I do think that it's possible to be attracted not just to the body parts involved or to people they consider women, but to masculine people who were socialized as women. I think if someone genuinely regards and treats a transguy as a man, but still wants to date him and identify as lesbian, who am I to tell her differently?

If lesbians date transmen but not cismen theirs a problem that's offensive

[Mattia]

Yes, I agree with you. Looking around on the web I found a dating site (sorry, I don't remember wich one) and I read some account descriptions. I was surprised, and a little angry, finding out many girls saying stuff like: I'm looking for women or transmen, please cismen don't contact me, I will ignore your messages. Like, what the hell? Don't they realise how offensive this is? And it is not just one case, I actually found a lot of this garbage.
A lesbian who says she is attracted by transguys must have some confusion over her sexuality.

[aleon515]

I know quite a number of serious relationships of lesbians with transmen. Quite a few of these were in the relationship before the person became known to them as trans (but a few not that way). There is a lot of identification as being lesbian and part of that community. Some people in very long term relationships with trans men do not like to be thought of as entirely straight, because their own self-identification is not with being straight, if you get my meaning here. They feel in their heart-mind they are lesbian and usually went thru a process of claiming an identity as LESBIAN (correction).

If you are in such a relationship, it may be hard-confusing to you as you are male. I don't know what to say here to  you. I know some people that just say they are queer and that's okay with them. But others where that might not feel so easy. I'd say if you found a wonderful young woman that way to give her a lot of time and space to figure that out, as she might be worth keeping, but it takes her own process to know what to say about this.

--Jay

[Nygeel]

That's what I was thinking, Ive heard lesbians say the only date women and transmen,

Except when they same women, they mean cis women.

[Brandon]

Hi Brandon,

I think that while we are comfortable with our gender identity we may still be seen as 'interesting' to homosexual men and woman as they can confuse sex and gender.

The difference between gender and sex is a difficult concept for non-transgender people to understand. We just have to carefully explain to them. There is (usually) no intent in purposely insulting the transgender person in these circumstances, it is just confusion.

That was a nice post BTW, an interesting observation.

Cindy

I agree but I have heard some lesbians say they only date transmen because of their bodies, I understand if they know they were trans in the lesbian relationship, But even the eventually hes gonna get on T, To p surgery or even bottom surgert

[Brandon]

Yes, I agree with you. Looking around on the web I found a dating site (sorry, I don't remember wich one) and I read some account descriptions. I was surprised, and a little angry, finding out many girls saying stuff like: I'm looking for women or transmen, please cismen don't contact me, I will ignore your messages. Like, what the hell? Don't they realise how offensive this is? And it is not just one case, I actually found a lot of this garbage.
A lesbian who says she is attracted by transguys must have some confusion over her sexuality.

That's Why I will never date a lesbian, They can find me attractive but don't try and get with me

[Brandon]

It has been my experience the we in the transgendered community tend to lose friends and those who were formerly close to us, because of who we really are.

I am not sure that I would close out love and companionship because the other person does not meet some arbitrary standard of mine.

Wish you well my friend.

Your not getting how its offensive though that's another reason Transguys don't get taken seriously, And lesbians won't get taken seriously either if they keep that up, I care about labels in some ways I know I'm a straight meaning lesbians are off limits, If your truly straight gay bi or les I don't think its posdible to fall in love with either the same sex or opposite unlesd your bi or pan, Unless you arent being real with people, Yea love is blind but only with who ever you pefer to date, Unless she was with him before he knew he was trans, Then no shes not a real lesbian

[Danielle Emmalee]

Your not getting how its offensive though that's another reason Transguys don't get taken seriously, And lesbians won't get taken seriously either if they keep that up, I care about labels in some ways I know I'm a straight meaning lesbians are off limits, If your truly straight gay bi or les I don't think its posdible to fall in love with either the same sex or opposite unlesd your bi or pan, Unless you arent being real with people, Yea love is blind but only with who ever you pefer to date, Unless she was with him before he knew he was trans, Then no shes not a real lesbian

Brandon, everyone here gets how it is offending you.  There's no confusion about that. 

[brayden4]

Personally it doesn't matter to me. As long as they respect me as a guy and treat me as such regardless of my "parts" the relationship should be more about love rather than labels, sexuality is more fluid than some realize. Before I decided that transitioning was for me, my girlfriend labeled herself as "lesbian" but now realizes that her own sexuality is way more fluid than she thought. When people ask she just says she is "pansexual" but in all honesty she doesn't understand why labels are even an issue because love is just love regardless of gender or sex.

Granted a "lesbian" most likely would not sleep with a cismale because of the "parts" but the gender aspect might not matter to her. Is there even a label for someone who is attracted to cisfemales and transmen? Could be why some still label themselves as "lesbian" not knowing what else to be labeled as

[Danielle Emmalee]

One reason this situation may come up is that it is often massively hard to come out to people as gay.  Many people lose friends and family, jobs, etc.  They may even find it hard to accept it themselves, but eventually do.  Now imagine that one day they meet someone of the opposite gender but same birth sex and become attracted to that person.  It can be devastating to come to terms that that may mean that in fact they are not "really gay" after all and can be very hard to lose the label without feeling like they went through hell to not feel ashamed of their sexuality just to end up in what you may consider a "straight relationship."  I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship with one.  Or that you should be forced to feel any less of a man because someone calls themselves a lesbian and is attracted to you.  Just trying to give another perspective on the situation.

[brayden4]

One reason this situation may come up is that it is often massively hard to come out to people as gay.  Many people lose friends and family, jobs, etc.  They may even find it hard to accept it themselves, but eventually do.  Now imagine that one day they meet someone of the opposite gender but same birth sex and become attracted to that person.  It can be devastating to come to terms that that may mean that in fact they are not "really gay" after all and can be very hard to lose the label without feeling like they went through hell to not feel ashamed of their sexuality just to end up in what you may consider a "straight relationship."  I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship with one.  Or that you should be forced to feel any less of a man because someone calls themselves a lesbian and is attracted to you.  Just trying to give another perspective on the situation.

Very true, sometimes its hard to let go of a label after someone has went through hell to just be accepted for who they are. One reason why labels cause problems, you get judged if you don't label yourself and you get judged if you do label yourself