the longer I'm in transition, the less confidence I have in myself

[Hideyoshi]

I ended up going to the mall with my fiancé, but not before he squeezed the girl voice out of me after we stood outside the entrance with me sitting there awkwardly with my mouth open trying to speak.

His response was "i don't know how you do it. I'm used to a different sound coming out of you".  He says i sound like a nasally girl but I'm again not sure

I was wearing a black hoodie with tiny angel wings on the back, a black camisole, a galaxy print skirt, and black leggings

I didn't get any weird looks as far as i could tell, but I'm kinda blind without my glasses heh

I still felt anxious but it wasn't that bad... Dysphoria still rages on but not a whole lot i can do about it.

My mom still sees me as sad, even in my pictures i took from that day, but I'm not sure

[evecrook]

I just came out of a very serious bout of depression this past year because I lost my job of 20 years. I made it back to life with the help of a hospital program designed for depression and suicide. The program saved my life.
It helped a lot because it was with a lot of others who were going through depression.

[sam79]

I still felt anxious but it wasn't that bad... Dysphoria still rages on but not a whole lot i can do about it.

Congratulations! 

So well worth pushing through the anxiety. Doesn't take long before the anxiety is no longer a mountain...

[MadelineB]

Celebrate every victory, large and small.
Well done, Hideyoshi!

[Sacha]

I used to enjoy being able to go out dressed female.  The first time I did it was about 5 months on hormones.  It felt great.  But as my boobs grow and my testosterone is finally dropping, I'm feeling more and more self-conscious and dysphoric.  Dare I say moreso than before I even started hormones more than a year ago.  The last time I was going to dress up, which was for my birthday dinner, I got all dressed and made up, only to break down and end up in a semi-conscious trance where I snapped out of it after I realized I had a razor in my hand almost pressed to my arm in the bathroom. 

I rarely dress in girl mode anymore, even in private.  For public, I say I'll do it, like to a movie or something, then I just end up not dressing up and ultimately not going.

I'm practicing my voice in my car almost every day.  I'm getting the hang of it and I think I'm starting to sound okay in my head.  But I can't talk to people in it.  I just can't.  Not even my boyfriend.  I just stand there quiet and frustrated (in boy mode) because I want to talk in my practiced voice, that I rehearsed MOMENTS before, but I just can't utter a noise.  I eventually just talk normally, but it hurts me deeply that I am that weak.

I don't get it.  I thought I was supposed to feel more confident as I started to change more.  I guess I was wrong.

Do you have a borderline personality ?

[Hideyoshi]

Do you have a borderline personality ?

I don't understand

[Jennygirl]

Do you have a borderline personality ?

Why would you think that? If someone asked me that I would be very upset

I don't understand either.

[MiaOhMya!]

Ya know, what you describe sounds a lot like how I feel at times. I will say that I will never de-transition, and I am very happy as a female, yet I have increasing anxiety. You're not the only one with a few toys up in the attic dearest!

I used to get anxious sometimes, but after a few years full time I am anxious LOTS! I now realise I had panic attacks in the past, but they occur more often now. I even just had a long stretch where I hated leaving my house due to ridiculous anxiety, and I never showed up for a job I landed (actually I showed up but I cried in my car outside and made up a lie about why I couldn't go in).

I am in school trying to do normal stuff, but my self image is irrationally low because I know I pass just fine, better than ever, yet I hate how I look. My doctor speculates that it could be the hormones, and some research showed the prevalence of anxiety in women, so maybe that's the case. The fact is that as much as hormones change the outside, the changes inside are greater (brain chemistry seems especially sensitive).

Also I'm just paranoid about people knowing about me. The deeper I get, the fewer people know I'm trans. Now most people don't ever know I am different and I am soooo afraid I will give myself away. It is stupid; I KNOW I shouldn't care, and should be proud to be myself, but it's tough. I'm a work in progress for sure.

Its funny because my boyfriend (a ftm who truly understands) just tells me with a bloody sly grin on his face, "Hey welcome to being a girl. It IS what you wanted..."