Hi Hideyoshi, Maddie here. As someone who suffers from panic disorder, I can relate. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I can tell you a few things from my experiences.
First off, when I was beginning my transition, and I was following other peoples' suggested timelines, to complete my facial hair removal, have a year on hormones, get my voice in great shape, etc, before going full-time, the waiting almost killed me. Even being myself at home, and dressing androgynously in women's clothes at work, wasn't enough. I stopped dressing in femme clothes at home for several months because knowing I would have to go back to hiding the next day, would put me in a pit of despair. It hurt too much. It got harder and harder to get out the door every day. In my case, I ended up discussing it with my therapist, working it out with HR where I work, and going full time 9 months earlier than I had planned. For me, it was the best decision I ever made. Yes, I'm a girl who has some facial hair on a weekly schedule; I was rather flat chested when I went full time (A cup) since I had less than 8 weeks on HRT; I had to learn 'on the job' about the makeup and clothing that works best for me; and it took some trial and error to learn to look fantastic despite male-pattern baldness. But I had much more confidence once I went full time. And I did learn to dress and use makeup and control my voice. Some of my best photos ever are still from that time. The two hundred people I came out to at work were NOT shocked that I didn't look like a perfectly cis-gender female from day one, since they had perceived me as male for almost ten years. They WERE shocked for quite some time, until they got used to it, how good and natural I did look as a woman. They had no idea I could look, and sound, as good as I did. So it turned out, the only person who was applying perfectionist standards to my appearance and voice when I went full time was ME. If I had tried to wait another 9 months before going full time, I might not have made it. My dysphoria was crippling at that point and getting worse; only the knowledge that it would come one day was keeping me going.
Second, panic attacks (or debilitating anxiety) are a real syndrome, sometimes due to past trauma, as in my case; sometimes due to temperament and chemistry. Either way, you can work with a good therapist to heal it, though it takes time. My extreme PTSD and panic disorder took over a year of weekly therapy and homework to really make good progress, and I am approaching the 2 year mark in a few months. But now, after 20 years of being ruled by panic, I am not held back in any way by my fears. One thing that made a huge difference in my case: I went full time and found out that my fears in that regard were unfounded. In my case, the stress of not being myself made my anxiety disorder ten times worse. Removing all that emotional stress made it easier for me to work on my remaining issues. Of course, for some people, they will need to work on their anxiety first. If yours is based on chemistry, it will respond well to the many safe medications that exist for that. I was atypical and medication didn't work, but learning to care for myself, and treating my PTSD, did.
Third, For my voice, I found that I already had a female voice that I had been using all along, when I was talking to little kids, or making lovey-dovey talk to my significant other. So I made that voice my full time voice. Turned out for me that was all it took, though practicing resonance control did help to make me more female sounding on the phone as time went on. But nothing beats using your new voice for 8 to 12 hours a day. I realize now that my comfortable voice (since I stopped forcing it to sound like a male's) is higher than almost all women my height. And since I removed the super-resonance (I had trained myself to sound super-masculine) I have never had a problem getting misgendered unless I have a bad cold. But same thing happens to the (tall) women in my family.
Fourth, many of us learned to keep our emotions and needs tightly wrapped and learned to ignore them and stuff them down. Female hormones make it much more difficult to distance emotion and to stay emotionally numb. This is a good thing-- it is actually one of the best things about hormones-- but it does mean that the coping mechanisms we developed when we had a male chemistry will often stop working all together, and we will have to develop ways to process and live with our full gamut of emotions. My therapist helped me a great deal, but what also helped was remembering the years I had an older sister and two younger sisters, and being with them as their emotions went all over the place during puberty and the teen years. When we are on HRT, we go through our own female (or if FTM, male) puberty with all that entails. Adjusting to our new internal emotional map can be a big deal. Now that you have a woman's chemistry, you may never again be able to numb yourself from what you are feeling the way you used to. A good therapist can help you learn to embrace all of your emotions and all of your parts, and listen to the voice(s) inside your heart. If you have any trauma in your past, now will be an excellent time to work on healing, because your heart and mind won't let you ignore it any more. It can seem overwhelming, but it is ok to be overwhelmed. If you have been carrying pain and trauma your whole life, it could be time now to stop being numb and start getting better. The only way past it is through.
Good luck Hideyoshi, and please feel free to PM me of you want.
*hugs*
Maddie
