Love Itself is the Balm for the Pain it Causes

[Valerie]

A pondering:

Can you love even when there's nothing in it for you?  That is, can you enjoy feeling love for someone who doesn't love you?  Can you live without the Other and still allow the expansion of your heart rather than shrinking into bitterness or immobility?

Do you have the strength, sometimes courage, to do the loving thing even when it would cause you discomfort, pain, or shame? 

If it comes to letting go, can you do so with peace in your heart? 

Finally, when the awareness faces you (for the first time, and then again, and again) of being Not Loved by someone you love, how do you heal?  How do you persist in love without breaking your own heart? 

For myself, I've seen all of the above manifest in me.  I love while being Not Loved all the time--but it takes time for me to be able to do so without being overcome with sadness or resenting my self (because, you know, anytime I'm Not Loved, it's All My Fault.  Because logic. ). It often takes a loooong time for me to do things like recognize what the loving thing to do is, then come to the understanding that I need to do it.  Or to come to the understanding that it's time to let go--I can let go with peace towards the other person, but again, the resentment towards myself has to be overcome first. 

An example of letting go would be when I finally wrote a goodbye letter to my dad after years of reaching out to him with no response.  I created closure for us both by writing a nice farewell letter which included 2 photos of us from when I was a baby.  I felt sadness, but no anger.  I had peace in my heart. 

One night in 2011, I was going to check up on my closest Friend (who lived 350 miles away) to see if he'd gone to AA that day, but decided he'd had a rough weekend & could use to rest; I decided he's an adult & this was his journey, and he didn't need me checking up on him like a little kid who was supposed to clean his bedroom.  I had anxiety, but eventually felt calm because I knew I was doing the loving thing. It was, in effect, the last loving thing I did for him, as he was found dead 2 hours later.

Facing the awareness of being Not Loved by someone I love, and yet not breaking, is still an issue.  As I mentioned, I often blame myself. It's hard to forgive myself for causing myself pain that I will always feel--whether I was the actual cause of being Not Loved or not isn't the issue, because my perception more often than not is that being Not Loved is All My Fault.

Except...sometimes I really surprise myself.  Because I've found that even in the pain of being Not Loved, I can and do love, joyously, freely.  I can think of the person & smile for no apparent reason.  I can feel the tenderness & affection & wish them well even while knowing they will never feel the same for me.  Oh, I will still break and I will always, always wish for it to be different & might even try to make it so, but the ability to open myself & continue to love them in a pure unselfish way...that's a gift.  And I wish I could access that part of myself more often.   

So I conclude that sometimes love itself is the balm for the pain it causes.... 


Thoughts?

~Valerie

[JillSter]

There should be more people like you.

I wanted to share a story about my relationship with the woman I thought I would marry but every time I try it comes out all wrong. Relationships are so complex, full of so many subtle nuances, you really can't explain a relationship in simple words. Ours was very complicated; partly for obvious reasons (I'm here, aren't I!) and partly for reasons much more difficult to identify from the outside looking in. Only she and I know how it was between us, and I suppose that's the way it will always be. Our break up was long and slow, and we both refused to let the other go for a long time, but in the end we both had to admit that we were poisonous to each other. We let each other go because we loved each other.

It was sort of a bittersweet break up, but it was for the best.

[Anatta]

A pondering:

Can you love even when there's nothing in it for you?  That is, can you enjoy feeling love for someone who doesn't love you?  Can you live without the Other and still allow the expansion of your heart rather than shrinking into bitterness or immobility?

Do you have the strength, sometimes courage, to do the loving thing even when it would cause you discomfort, pain, or shame? 

If it comes to letting go, can you do so with peace in your heart? 

Finally, when the awareness faces you (for the first time, and then again, and again) of being Not Loved by someone you love, how do you heal?  How do you persist in love without breaking your own heart? 

For myself, I've seen all of the above manifest in me.  I love while being Not Loved all the time--but it takes time for me to be able to do so without being overcome with sadness or resenting my self (because, you know, anytime I'm Not Loved, it's All My Fault.  Because logic. ). It often takes a loooong time for me to do things like recognize what the loving thing to do is, then come to the understanding that I need to do it.  Or to come to the understanding that it's time to let go--I can let go with peace towards the other person, but again, the resentment towards myself has to be overcome first. 

An example of letting go would be when I finally wrote a goodbye letter to my dad after years of reaching out to him with no response.  I created closure for us both by writing a nice farewell letter which included 2 photos of us from when I was a baby.  I felt sadness, but no anger.  I had peace in my heart. 

One night in 2011, I was going to check up on my closest Friend (who lived 350 miles away) to see if he'd gone to AA that day, but decided he'd had a rough weekend & could use to rest; I decided he's an adult & this was his journey, and he didn't need me checking up on him like a little kid who was supposed to clean his bedroom.  I had anxiety, but eventually felt calm because I knew I was doing the loving thing. It was, in effect, the last loving thing I did for him, as he was found dead 2 hours later.

Facing the awareness of being Not Loved by someone I love, and yet not breaking, is still an issue.  As I mentioned, I often blame myself. It's hard to forgive myself for causing myself pain that I will always feel--whether I was the actual cause of being Not Loved or not isn't the issue, because my perception more often than not is that being Not Loved is All My Fault.

Except...sometimes I really surprise myself.  Because I've found that even in the pain of being Not Loved, I can and do love, joyously, freely.  I can think of the person & smile for no apparent reason.  I can feel the tenderness & affection & wish them well even while knowing they will never feel the same for me.  Oh, I will still break and I will always, always wish for it to be different & might even try to make it so, but the ability to open myself & continue to love them in a pure unselfish way...that's a gift.  And I wish I could access that part of myself more often.   

So I conclude that sometimes love itself is the balm for the pain it causes.... 


Thoughts?

~Valerie

Kia Ora Valerie,

I'm sure you'll understand what I'm on about....

If one just loves a 'part' of and not the 'whole', one suffers the loss of what they didn't really have in the first place...

I've found that to cling is to suffer - to let go is to suffer - To understand/know the impermanent nature of 'all' things brings a level of Contentment with (and some order to) the paradox called life...

For.....

"Transient alas! are all component things,
Subject are they to birth-and then decay;
Having gained birth to death the life flux swings;
Bliss truly dawns when unrest dies away !"

Judging by your post, it would seem you are on the right track...Slow and steady wins the race...

When discussing the "Middle Way" Alan Watts once said "Don't desire to give up more desire than you can, and if you find this a problem, then don't desire to be 'successful' at giving up more desire than you can!"...Eventually(with practice) you will stumble across the middle way...

Life is a paradox...Love the paradox 

Metta Zenda

[Gabrielle]

Love is its own reward.

I am sure there is a neurologist here that can tell us about the biochemical reactions, and endorphins, and such things, but when I truly deeply love somebody it makes me feel good about myself too.  And it makes me more likely to spread the love.

I suppose that makes it a positive feedback loop.

[Valerie]

I completely forgot that I never replied to this; sorry, peeps.  I can't multi-quote on my 'droid & I have little patience for typing long replies via my phone, either.

There should be more people like you.

I wanted to share a story about my relationship with the woman I thought I would marry but every time I try it comes out all wrong. Relationships are so complex, full of so many subtle nuances, you really can't explain a relationship in simple words. Ours was very complicated; partly for obvious reasons (I'm here, aren't I!) and partly for reasons much more difficult to identify from the outside looking in. Only she and I know how it was between us, and I suppose that's the way it will always be. Our break up was long and slow, and we both refused to let the other go for a long time, but in the end we both had to admit that we were poisonous to each other. We let each other go because we loved each other.

It was sort of a bittersweet break up, but it was for the best.

You're too kind, thank you     

That was very poignant, and I'm sorry it had to happen that way....  That whole, 'if you love something set it free; if it doesn't come back it was never meant to be' always irritated me...because I hate the thought of the Not Coming Back.  But love, I think, requires that we do what's best for the Other. It's getting there & then living with the hurt that stings...  Hugs for your loss....

I suppose that makes it a positive feedback loop.

Love this!   

If one just loves a 'part' of and not the 'whole', one suffers the loss of what they didn't really have in the first place...

Interesting you should mention this.  There are some people, and some have been only acquaintances, who I've really wanted to know, inside & out, good, bad & ugly.  It's because I already love them, and also because I want to love them more fully.  If I really care about someone, that's when I want to really know them....

But sometimes that knowing comes with a price.  just over a year ago I learned something about someone I'd been writing to for over 15 years.  What he told me was horrific. While part of his past & even while acknowledging that one's actions don't define Who They Are, I had a very hard time facing this part of him; and facing myself...I kept asking myself how I can love someone who's done what he's done.  It took me a year or more to process it or for the hard feelings to fade...because I'm not sure whether I really processed it. 

I digress. I take many people how I take my coffee, homeopathic    But sometimes, if I think it's gonna' be good coffee, I'll take the real stuff...and it's like that with people, too. 

I've found that to cling is to suffer - to let go is to suffer - To understand/know the impermanent nature of 'all' things brings a level of Contentment with (and some order to) the paradox called life...

Mmm...not so sure I can easily subscribe to that...but I'm glad it works for others. 

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. 
~V.