Thank you for helping me understand....
There are a few things going on, all at the same time: You are a trans-man who is not yet out to his family, you have seen too many men walk away from women once she became pregnant or had a child, you are a Christian in a largely secular society and you would really like the ability to father a child. Your two core identities: Christian and being a Man tie all these things together. That is enough to tie a person in knots. But you are coping because as I stated earlier, you are a man, not just male. There is a HUGE difference.
Out to family – it's about being honest – honoring your mother (Eph 6:2) Somehow, at the right time, they will need to know
Men walking away - Love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31) Somehow, find a way to help when you can.
Being a Christian – You are the salt of the earth. (Matt. 5:13) People have to know by your actions that you are a Christian. (I really struggle with that one. It's hard sometimes.)
You would like to father a child. – God formed you in the womb. (Jeremiah 1:5) You are as He knew you would be and strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9, essentially, we learn to trust God more).
The last one was really tough for me. I really wanted children. However, I am intersexed and sterile. At the time, I only knew I couldn't father children. That hurt bad. For a long time. Then, God brought someone in my life who loved me. She could not have children anymore. Had I been able to have children, I would have missed the love of my life. And while her children are now grown, the Grandchildren love me as they love no other.
What to do? Start where God directs. However, remember that the most powerful servants of God had to grow in their relationship with Him before they served (Moses ran into the wilderness and after several years then God spoke to him and put him into service (Exodus 2), Apostle Paul was converted and spent three years in Arabia before he started to serve (Gal 1:17-20)
Learn, grow and serve. You can't change the world, God can, one person at a time. It's not easy.
Hugs in Christ,
Jen