confussed

[bill]

hello everyone.. This is pretty much my first post here. as i stated in my introduction i have been lurking around the site for a few years now. absorbing info and getting the help that ive needed just from reading what has been posted by other members. for the most part that has been enough. i have been able to come to terms with what i am. and am now able to talk freely about it with people. i have over the past 2 weeks now come out to my fiance, and everyone that i work with about me being a CD. but thats also where the problems come into play. Everyone that i have talked to about myself has been accepting of me. everyone that is except my mom. she accepts that it is a part of me but refuses to talk to me about it. she doesnt want to believe it.

on the plus side. my Fiance has fully accepted me. she even seems to really enjoy helping me shop and spending time with me while dressed, and the more time i spend dressed with her the more she seems to enjoy that side of me.

the thing that is really confusing me is that the more that i am able to dress up the more i am wanting to. and the more thoughts that i am feeling that this may very well actually be more than just crossdressing. thats the part that is really confusing me. i have explained all this to my Fiance and she sorta understands me, and at this point in time wont leave me no matter what happens from here on out. thats what really gets to me. i dont know if i am just a CD or if it is more. i dont know what i need to do to figure this all out for myself. i dont know where to go from here.. i have come to the point now in my life though that i am tired of being in the closet. im tired of hiding half of who i am. and most of the people that i have talked to are very understanding of that.

But as of right now Therapy is out of the question. i can not afford it. and dont currently have any insurance that might. i dont know how to figure this all out. i know that this is more than just CD. it has never really been anything to do with a sexual turn on or anything like that for me. its always just felt right. im more comfortable with myself when i can dress the way i feel like. but as time goes on i ve been feeling really confused about everything myself. and it is just getting worse.

any advice anyone on here can give i would really appreciate. Thanks for reading and understanding.

[Dierdre Lenore]

Bill,
We all have, will, and continue to go through this. The ONLY advice I can offer is let your new found freedom settle in your mind before you let your mind go out of control. This is a very exciting yet confusing time. Try to enjoy it and don't let it drive you mad. The accelerated crossdressing rate is normal I think. I know it is / was like that for me. It's only been a couple weeks, try to let it become normal to you, then dig your heels in and find out if it really goes deeper. You don't want to tread down a one way path you may regret. Lots of luck and hugs!
Pansy

[bill]

thanks. i have been threw this once before.. and i do know that things are settling in and that they are finally really settling in to where they should have a long time ago. i have also come to realize that i do need to move forward with this side of me fully exposed. NO MORE HIDING WHO I AM. if people dont like it they dont have to be a part of my life. its there loss not mine. as for moving forward as me. thats gonna take some time. i cant really rush it even if i could because of the family situation at home. my Fiance has 3 of her 4 teenagers living with us. and we are all living with my mom. my mom of course has accepted this is part of me but wants nothing to do with it. and non of the kids know anything about it.. so for now the only thing i can do is the subtle things, underdressing, dressing when alone. and im trying out some clear nail polish that has glitter in it. its still fairly subtle. but its noticable if you look for it. i have also started keeping just about fully shaven. these things are helping me to cope. and i hope that they are enough to get me threw the next few years untill we have our own place and the kids are all off to college or at least out on there own. i have been talking with my SO the past few days and she is fully supporting me and open to anything that i may have to do to be happy with myself.. i know im lucky on that one.. and i truely hope that no matter what happens she will stay by my side like she says that she will . .

But heres to my future. the future of all of us here at susans. and the future of everyone that has to deal with any of the things that we all deal with on a daily basis.

Lets all just live life to the fullest. we only have one to live so why waist it hiding away in that darn closet. lets let our happyness show and make this world a better place for everyone.

[Veronica Morph]

i been thinking about your post all day long,
my personal opinion is that there are different kinds of cd at first, the ones who seriously feel it as a gate to a new life and be a lady one day, and the ones who fantasize feeling sexy but stay in their own man world as he enjoys it.

i have friends who change sex others who put implants and others who just enjoy piutting on heels and be a beatifull girl for one night and go back to his family after, which is the cathegory where i am.

and other friends who love been in girl mode but not thinking on changing sex, would noit be a problem live in girl image at all, but inside they still are men in heels.

if you are confused on what you want aside of sexual preference, i think you must try fiorst to think if you really would like to become a woman and look like one,

try asking your gf what she thinks if you inplant a dd size breast, and a supper rounded brazilian but, ...keeping your sex as male, but casue you want to wear sexy dresses u are fanatasizing on seeing you much more feminine in them than any other girl,

see what happens, and feel if that is the road you want ot take.

if you think is too much comitment aside form the money, (assume you have enough to pa those surgeries) do you see yoursleef sitting pretty in a cafe with a pair o breast well rounded showing off in a sexy red dress, and a perfect rounded and delicious butt,? men looking at you all the time? are you interested on atracting men?

i for example am completely sure i dont want that, i fantasize on feeling as a sexy girl yes, but when it comes to think i have to cary a real pair of breast and a rounded butt, i get completely demotivated as i enjoy my man life.

then when i feel i am atracting other men i feel very disgust, is a big contradiction, i love to wear slotty and very sexy, but in my mind is not ment to atract men, actually i always love when girls look at me and get interested or intrigued, many of them quickly get it that i am a man in there, and they call their friend next to her etc, those are times that i get nervous when im out and about, but i dont get disgust, ....then i know i dont want to stay enfemme the whoile time and of course transition is not for me, nor change of sexual preference.

see what you want.

i friend of mine had to change sex, in order to get men for her, she is only atracted to men since she was a little boy, i understand she is a complete different case, maybe you are one, ....my friend had gf also and etc, but later she understood she preferes to be with men, ....fantasize and dreams been taken by stong bulky men.
is this what you feel.

if not then just mark your rules of crossdressing, same as me.

to know you better as the crossdresser you are , will open amazing experiences and pleasures.

[Katy]

Bill,

I read your two posts earlier today and have been thinking about it on and off all day.  My heart goes out to you.  It is so easy to become so concerned about your own situation that you become self-absorbed.  And then you read about the challenges others are facing and you are smacked in the face with the knowledge that your situation is a mere hill in comparison to the mountainous obstacles others are confronting.  It would presumptuous for me offer any advice so all I can do is let you know that I am concerned about you.  Hopefully the way forward will become clear in the days and weeks ahead. 

[bill]

thanks for the replys. things are still a bit confusing for me right now.. and yes what i am currently facing only seems to be the start of the hills leading into the mountains of problems that most of you girls and guys on here are already facing. but i am really starting to believe for me to be truely happy. that i have to let my fem side free. and right now i feel that the only way to do that is to just release the chain that has been holding her in. and let her have control of my life for a little while. at least that way i will be able to tell if that is where i need to be. or at least be able to find a happy medium somewhere in the middle where i dont have to hide that side. hopefully i can get the chance to let her free and see where things go before i end up going crazy.

[Melissa_fox]

Yes its a tough thing to figure out. I finally came out of the closet a little over a year ago and was the best thing I ever did. Now I'm thinking about hormones to futher improve my looks but... That opens up a lot of "What If's". What if the reality is'nt as good as the fantasy.  What happens if I don't look as good as I would like. What happens if I become an "it" where people can't figure out what sex I am and this causes me not to fit in anywhere.

I also wonder if part of the fun of being a part time CD is that its a bit naughty or taboo or rebellious and that transitioning over might take the fun out of it.

[gennee]

It took me over a year to really feel comfortable with myself. I embraced the positive experiences and learned from the negative ones (which were very few). We all have experienced some confusion at some time but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps you searching.