Why Mom?!

[Yukari-sensei]

Every year my family makes the 5-hour drive to San Antonio and stay on the Riverwalk so we can see the posada. This year is no exception. My mother, sister & her boyfriend, wife & I have reservations provided at great discount thanks to my part time job.

Despite the fact that my mother and I have been increasingly distant due to my coming out (she does not approve of my plans to transition and is still unaware that I've started testosterone blockers), I called to go over the details of our plans following Thanksgiving. I had already decided that I would present as male for the sake of everyone and this would be my last winter as a man; however, the first thing my mother asked me about the trip was, "Am I going with my son? Because I'm only taking my son".

It was loud enough on the phone for my wife and friend to hear - they both looked over in shock to hear her...

Even though I already planned to present as a male, it hurt so much more to hear her say that...

I felt like Quasimodo before... Now when I get ready for school and put on my makeup, I like who I see! I can finally see me! And so much of who I see, when I look in my face, is my mother.

How can someone so sweet to everyone else, an eternal wellspring of compassion, so accepting of everyone else, a person I see as a moral and professional inspiration... choose to hurt me so much.

[Jill F]

I'm so sorry to hear this, although not terribly surprised.   Your mom probably still needs time for this to sink in.  Her son she knew ever since you were born is going away forever and she deserves an adjustment period.   She may surprise you in the end.   

I'm in the same boat, as my mom already told me she can't get herself to call me Jill.  She's still never seen me as I am now, but Thanksgiving will be the big reveal for me.   I am prepared to be fair and cut my parents some slack, but if in the end they decide that our relationship will be strictly on their terms, then I am prepared to dig in deep.  I am done defining myself by what others expect me to be.  If my parents will not be seen with me in the end, then maintaining that relationship will cause more problems than ending it. 

[JLT1]

Yukari-sensei,

There are two things that I have done around that issue: 

1. I made a promise that I would present as male through the summer and the fall up to my nieces wedding.  I was there, I did what I needed to do.  Now, however, there is some panic and some push to keep being HIM.  I'm pushing back, firmly but also gently.
2. My wife supports me fine sometimes and then blasts me out of the blue.  She started using female pronouns this weekend.  We went shopping together.  We had fun.  Then, last night, she called me  "A big, handsome man.  I repeat, MAN."  I just stared at her, trying to figure out where that came from. 

Even when there is support, sometimes, it's hard on them.  I try to be understanding but firm.  Unfortunately, I really don't know if it is working.  I also think I need to talk to the "problems" more.  But I just keep plodding forward, then, if necessary, an agreed upon pause, then back forward.  Always, telling them how I love them.  Best I could figure out.

Hugs,

Jen