Yesterday I had a couple of family meetings. They both went as well as possible, given the situation. This is long... no TL;DR: it's just my story.
Part II'd talked to my mother online about my dysphoria, what it was, how bad it was, how often, etc. She wasn't entirely clear about it and was concerned, so my mother and father had me over for coffee and apple pie yesterday afternoon. The conversation isn't very quantifiable, but the "good cop bad cop" routine was a bit wearing. My father is like me... very logical, very analytical, and always looking to solve a problem... since coming out I've learned that that's usually a bad way to approach an emotional situation, and most of mine are right now. If I ignored him, or mostly didn't look at him, that's why. It's hard to listen to "logic" when the analysist doesn't care to understand the situation. In part, that's also why I feel a bit disjoint about the conversation.
I was able to partially clear up the whole dypshoria thing. They still don't understand, but they realize it's hormonal. They realize I've increased my testosterone since coming out and seem to accept the fact that it's affecting me (at least I assume that it's about half the reason, myself
). Comparing the two movies I watched over the weekend helped. "
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" has two women in it, one a whore... and I couldn't get over how even the whore had more options to be herself as a woman than I ever have. "
Mona Lisa Smile" is nothing but women, all about women, and I only had one minor attack where I identified with the young lady choosing not to go to law school at Yale so she could become a homemaker instead. There's a lot of parallels - I chose to have a family instead of to be who I should have been. I have regrets. She wanted law school and also made an incorrect decision because of socially imposed rules. She will have regretted it in the future.
They asked me a lot of questions and made a lot of statements about me never showing it, how they didn't impose gender roles (I told them that didn't matter... gender is set in one's mind by age 3), how I had a wife and kids, how I had a wonderful life and appear to be throwing it away. I gave them a personally highlighted and annotated copy of this document:
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htmThey also talked about how I'm the first child and how my sister and brother look up to me, are jealous of me, and that I've thrown the family into instability because of it. They did acknowledge, with this, that the family could become stronger because of it, but that I also have a responsibility to help with that. (This was a discussion of how the rest of the family reacts now, not a criticism or push in any particular direction).
They asked how I could be supported. I don't think I could talk for 10 minutes from crying. I'm tearing up now from it. I told them that it will be difficult and I need people to help me reach the end goal of being fully transitioned. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, by far, and I've barely scratched the surface of it.
Part IIMy BIL came over a couple weeks ago. He'd messaged me and said he wanted to talk to me. He requested I be alone and that my wife and kids leave (he also contacted my wife and had her leave). I was trepidatious, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. In my opinion it was basically an enormous verbal attack. He had a tirade and wanted to give it to me because he didn't like what I was doing and how I was doing it. A lot of what he said wasn't true, but had grains of truth. I was neatly marginalized, and he appeared to have the entire weight of the family behind him. Eventually I threw him out of the house.
Yesterday, we talked again. This time I'd contacted him and I had my brother sit with us. I apologized for my behavior, which prompted him to apologize for his - not the things he said (he made that clear) but how he may have said them. I calmly told him a little about what's going on in my life - my state of dysphoria (which I don't remember how I explained - but I basically said I wasn't good).
Then we talked about his kids... the goal was to reach and pass Christmas as a family. This goal was met, but only because my brother stepped in. My BIL made it clear that he didn't want his kids seeing me transition or seeing me as a woman. He said outright that he didn't want to have to explain that to them. I asked him some pointed questions about exactly when it was OK and when it was not, which he couldn't really answer. Based on some of the answers he could give, I realize he does not think the gender change choice is "right" and that he never wants his kids exposed to it. I said that was bigoted and it would be impossible to get past. Thankfully my brother brought it back home.
People like this just have a problem. It's their problem and it's actually easier for me to deal with than anything else he might have come up with. They can change, but they have to change. Luckily transition is slow and luckily he may have pressure to change over time... until he does, I will lament the loss of him and his kids. I'm also happy my brother was there so he can at least report on what was said and what the general feelings exchanged were. I
will be angry if I'm excluded from family events because of one bigot's problem with me, but I
am afraid my parents will side with him so they can see their grand kids.
I also think that neither he, nor anyone else in my family, realize just how far this will go. As much as they say they've seen (fuzzy quotes - I don't remember the exact words) "art photos of other transgender people" (my mother) or claim "I'm not looking at you with any preconceived images from movies" (my BIL), the media
CLEARLY affects them.
