I'm such an idiot

[Apples Mk.II]

I just sent an SMS to my father asking if he had a phone number for a plumber who wasn't a complete crook. Of course he called me back, but in the end the real excuse for calling me was to inquire about my sick leave.

Obviously, he was feeling triumphant and directly linking my transition to losing my job, no matter who much I fight back. For him, it was just his premonition of "If you do it people will attack you and you they will fire you". No matter how much I tried to explain taht I was attacked by the same person that tries to make my life more miserable, that save for one person 99% of the staff of two different places have accepted me with no issues, to him is just "my proccess" that has damaged my career.


It's pathethic. How loneliness makes me come back to toxic persons who should  be out of my life and can't understand anymore. When I could have asked any office colleague or friend for the same thing. Feeling like brown substance again. I really don't understand that I need to literally write them off from my life as if they had never existed.

[Robin Mack]

*hug*  It's natural; there is a deep tie there that you naturally want to preserve.  It doesn't make you stupid, it means you're loving, hopeful, and *human*.

While he treats you badly, a large part of it is probably due to his concern for you.  Men (and especially fathers) are often horrible at saying things like "I love you", and are much better at hiding their "soft" feelings by attacking.  Getting angry, triumphant, or hateful may be his defense mechanism.  By reminding him that you still exist, by calling him every now and then, you may very well be making some progress with him.  And you are showing him that this isn't just some crazy idea or phase; even though things are difficult you are sticking with transition because you *are* and have *always been* a woman.

*hug*  Please don't beat yourself up over this... it's natural.  It sucks, it hurts, but it's a part of life.

[Apples Mk.II]

My father keeps attacking my. I am an idiot, he told that I was going to lose my job and people were going to attack me...



Great therapist, uh? Tell everybody at work. And the person I told to started attacking me at the very moment until now.  Now I have nothing. The therapist cost me my work, and said that was only going to approve my treatment if I kept a source an income and outed to everybody.

They don't want me to go back unless I detransition. And not to mention the hate I get not from him but even more from my mother, true hate now.


I have no job, and living here will eat my surgery savings. I have little to do, and slitting my wrist is a really good idea, no matter what I do. I just want the courage to do it, because it is less of a problem than all I will have to endure by going back.

[Jennygirl]

What a horrible demand on the part of the therapist! That sounds like gatekeeping to me. Ugh

I would start off by finding a new therapist immediately. Don't worry about your previous job, the best you can do is figure out how you can not allow this to happen again and you WILL find a good scenario if you keep your head up even a little bit.

Either way, you should not have any limitation on treatment other than the fact you are indeed transgender and wish to transition. How you come out and how you get your income is YOUR business.

[Apples Mk.II]

Resuming

1-  With the GID my anxiety and depression lowered my work capabilities and could not even work properly.
2- Antidepressants made me care even less.
3- Being forced to out myself earned me enemies that used everything to attack me.


My life was turned into a living hell during this year. Doing everything without any non-internet support all alone was even more harming. I just can't transition.

[Robin Mack]

...
My life was turned into a living hell during this year. Doing everything without any non-internet support all alone was even more harming. I just can't transition.

It really does sound like your life took a steep downturn lately... It looks to me, though, as though your transition is very nearly complete at this point, despite how hard it has been.  Is there any way, any way at *all* that you can pick up and move to another town or area, where no one knows you aren't CIS? 

Sometimes, it seems, the pheonix is a great metaphor for transition... perhaps it is time for you to be born anew?

*hug* 

[Jennygirl]

Well you've gotta do what's right for you.

I might think about weaning off of the antidepressants as a start. Not only do they just throw a blanket over the root cause of depression, they can have some unfortunate mood related side effects (I can attest to the side effects - I had debilitating panic attacks some years ago during a flareup of dysphoria that was still unknown to me at the time so I took Zoloft for a little while - I felt like a robot and hated it).

I think they can be helpful though as long as you also try to take measures to actually correct the problems that the drugs are intended to "fix", like learning how to cope with anxiety and changing up diet if need be (that is actually a BIG help for a lot of people believe it or not). Diet is huge. Doctors are known to over-prescribe antidepressants and it's a big problem with modern medicine in my opinion.

I don't want to recommend too much or pretend like I am some kind of know-it-all (so please don't take any of this the wrong way), but I would seriously consider finding a new therapist and getting off ALL of the pills including oral HRT... even that has the potential to make the mental things worse depending on how your body reacts to the oral route of administration. Estrone conversion in the liver is real, and it is bad for both body and mind. Injections, creams, or patches would be a GREAT idea to try if nothing else. If you think your therapist or endo would have an issue with that, they are holding you back.

I still can't believe you were forced to out yourself. That is just so flippin nuts. Remember that there are people out there that will support you, and love you no matter what. You just have to trust in yourself enough that things will get better once you get a foothold again, and the people you seek acceptance from will follow thereafter.

No matter how things may seem now, just one step in the right direction could be enough to spur a huge turnaround in the way you feel. I for one think that happiness is momentous, you just have to get the ball rolling sometimes with a change of plan or attitude, let inertia take care of the rest, and be kind to your body in the meantime with a proper diet. Cannot stress diet enough.

[CalmRage]

Well you've gotta do what's right for you.

I might think about weaning off of the antidepressants as a start. Not only do they just throw a blanket over the root cause of depression, they can have some unfortunate mood related side effects (I can attest to the side effects - I had debilitating panic attacks some years ago during a flareup of dysphoria that was still unknown to me at the time so I took Zoloft for a little while - I felt like a robot and hated it).

I think they can be helpful though as long as you also try to take measures to actually correct the problems that the drugs are intended to "fix", like learning how to cope with anxiety and changing up diet if need be (that is actually a BIG help for a lot of people believe it or not). Diet is huge. Doctors are known to over-prescribe antidepressants and it's a big problem with modern medicine in my opinion.

I don't want to recommend too much or pretend like I am some kind of know-it-all (so please don't take any of this the wrong way), but I would seriously consider finding a new therapist and getting off ALL of the pills including oral HRT... even that has the potential to make the mental things worse depending on how your body reacts to the oral route of administration. Estrone conversion in the liver is real, and it is bad for both body and mind. Injections, creams, or patches would be a GREAT idea to try if nothing else. If you think your therapist or endo would have an issue with that, they are holding you back.

I still can't believe you were forced to out yourself. That is just so flippin nuts. Remember that there are people out there that will support you, and love you no matter what. You just have to trust in yourself enough that things will get better once you get a foothold again, and the people you seek acceptance from will follow thereafter.

No matter how things may seem now, just one step in the right direction could be enough to spur a huge turnaround in the way you feel. I for one think that happiness is momentous, you just have to get the ball rolling sometimes with a change of plan or attitude, let inertia take care of the rest, and be kind to your body in the meantime with a proper diet. Cannot stress diet enough.

i hate Zoloft. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Next psychiatrists appointment i am going to have a nice little talk with her. That stuff didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse. Thanks for using the word blanket, because that kind of makes it easier for me to describe. I may not be TG, but let me tell you, Zoloft makes me feel like there's something clouding my perception, my emotions (the worst part actually). I am really angry at her for prescribing it to me. More than a year after she first prescribed it and i am actually worse off. I can not express my emotions, so i have to swallow them since they don't really come out, for example, when i need a good cry, because i miss my dad or just feel completely unsatisfied with my life, i can't. That is something that is eating at me.

[Jennygirl]

i hate Zoloft. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Next psychiatrists appointment i am going to have a nice little talk with her. That stuff didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse. Thanks for using the word blanket, because that kind of makes it easier for me to describe. I may not be TG, but let me tell you, Zoloft makes me feel like there's something clouding my perception, my emotions (the worst part actually). I am really angry at her for prescribing it to me. More than a year after she first prescribed it and i am actually worse off. I can not express my emotions, so i have to swallow them since they don't really come out, for example, when i need a good cry, because i miss my dad or just feel completely unsatisfied with my life, i can't. That is something that is eating at me.

Yep I can remember the feeling like it was yesterday. Almost like you just have to sit there and take it, with no drive to actually do anything about anything. Blehhh. I feel you

[Gabrielle]

For both Dream is Over and ZootAllures, there are a number of SSRIs on the market, and if one is not effective, by all means report your feelings to your doctor.  Perhaps another would help, or even a different type of anti-depressant.

[CalmRage]

Yep I can remember the feeling like it was yesterday. Almost like you just have to sit there and take it, with no drive to actually do anything about anything. Blehhh. I feel you

i feel like some kind of meatsack at times, just sitting there, (mentally) unable to really do anything. When i did question my gender it was like i had to wade through my muddied perception. And i don't think it's 100% over, but yeah probably just the OCD talking or something like that. My loss of emotions affects me everyday, even when listening to music. Some songs used to make me tear up, but now nothing does. It's like i'm about to burst with my emotions. My (asperger) therapist said that was because i know a lot of the technical aspects of music, but sorry, no, that's not it. I haven't gained any knowledge on it. It never affected the almost magical effect "Black Napkins" had on me (a song that allowed me to feel at peace for its duration) or "Watermelon In Easter Hay" with its melody so beautiful, i had to cry. Whoops, i am going offtopic i think. I don't want anything mindaltering in my life. I was afraid of it for most of my life so far, refused antidepressants several years earlier, only agreed to take them out of desperation. I was screaming for help and to get back into therapy. Now i hate them more than ever. I don't touch anything mindaltering. I am kind of obsessed with being 100% in control of myself. With Zoloft, i sometimes feel like i am in some kind of dream, like the world is some unreal fantasy and like i am viewing it through thick glass.

[Apples Mk.II]

I told my father that I was going to the trade union today to see what can be done and prepare my defense and prepare things. He stil goes with "Don't go there like a freak show". I'm a Drag queen to him.



Drugs are my personal hell.

1- Started with Citalopram (Celexa) in October 2012 after a severe case of depression and anxiety (well documented here). First case of suicidal ideations after 5 months of fighting with GID. Should have been something temporary
2- Despite improvement, GID therapist doubles my dose on the first meeting. I feel so disconnected from everything that in the end I stop could turkey and self hormonate for three weeks
3- We switch to an SNRI, Venlafaxine. GID dissapears, along with anyt king of emotion or feeling. The side effects are so bad that I can't sleep unless drugged in Lorazepam (Ativan). When I tell to the shrink, she just gives me more lorazepam prescriptions.. Sides are so bad in the end that I stop cold turkey.
4- Shrink gets pissed of and gives me citalopam again. This is march
5- On Citalopram low dose I feel preety ok. In april pushes me to double my dose again
6- Zombified again. Self hormonation and one month later I stop the citalopram after two days missing dosages and having feelings again. Not feeling bad without them, neither HRT happy.


Over all this time my work performance suffered constantly, impaired in cognitive abilities, memory loss... I'm close to flushing the lorazepam down the toilet right now along every other drug.