One very confused and alone newbie

[Lake James]

Hi everyone

I am totally new here, very unsure, very confused and well just lost.

I am a 36yr old female (born female) currently in a long term relationship with a woman.   This year has been a very rough one with a lot of depression, anxiety and generally feeling very bad.  My GP has been helping me with that and last week she asked me why I was always so tough on myself.  My reply "because I feel like I don't fit my gender". I don't really know where it came from, but can see its always been there.  I don't have a feeling of being trapped or in the wrong body, but I don't identify as being female. 

As a child I hated anything girly to the point of dresses and skirts making me cry.  All I wanted was to wear boys clothes, have my hair short and run around playing soldiers.  The day my parents told me I could no longer go without a top was gutting for me.  They explained I would have to at least wear a vest when playing outside.  They bought me an army coloured one and all was sorted.  This continued in to my teens, but I always assumed I was just a tom boy.  Puberty didn't freak me out and I've never longed for male genitals.  However....I would love a male chest...oh how I would love to be able to just wear a pair of board shorts on the beach ! 

I came out as gay at 17 and then started to experiment with how I dressed.  I had my hair cut short, wore boxers, mens clothes and was happy.  Then I met my current partner, who didn't approve of the men's clothes.  I know now I shouldn't have changed, but I would have done anything to get her...and I guess we've all been there!   So, the boxers, loose jeans and aftershave all went.  I grew my hair long and tried to be as feminine as possible. 

This was ok (ish) but things kept nudging my conscience.  I had this real aversion to girls clothes still.  To the point where anything too feminine still made me cry.  Makeup just felt stupid and totally wrong.  I ignored this,  until I saw a program called "My Transsexual summer" on the tv and straight away felt a kind of similarity to Lewis, a FTM guy on there.  I was even envious of him and secretly wished I could escape my life for a weekend occasionally to live as a male.  Still I squashed all these feelings, forgot about it.  The next thing that happened was my partners son needed some new boxers.  The ones we got, he didn't like and so the unworn ones sat by the front door ready for the charity bag.  I longed to have them, to take them and hide them.  For me to wear, to feel right.  I didn't, I ignored them, I got on with my life.

Then that Drs appointment happened and now my brain has gone into overdrive !! Is this the cause of a lifetime of anxiety and self loathing....could I even consider this...what would my family say...my friends...my parents.  I'm just so confused !!

Apologies for such a long first post...it all just came out :

[Kytri]

Hi Pootle! I relate to a lot of your post actually. I also thought I was just a tom boy for the longest time and hated girl's clothes. Totally feel you on the self loathing part too. Personally figuring out why I hated myself helped lessen it a lot.

I'm also fairly new here but so far everyone has been very welcoming and I'm sure you'll find the same.

[shean R]

Welcome to Susan's I am sure you will find it to be very supportive.  I think all of us can relate to some degree to your story.  I can not remember ever being happy as a female, all my life I just wanted to be male.  I wanted to dress like a male, act like a male and be perceived as male.  I pushed those feelings away for many reasons and did the best I could in my female body for as long as I could.  I too fell in love with a woman at age 32 and when we were together for 5 yrs I told her how I felt, I told her I really wanted to be a male and I would like to talk about possibly transitioning.  She told me to never mention it again or we would be finished.  I loved her so much I accepted that and tried to move on.  I spent a total of 16 yrs with that woman when she fell for another much younger woman and decided we were done.  This breakup led me to a wonderful counselor who helped me not just deal with the breakup but also explore why I never truly felt happy.  I had my happy moments, but now I realize how unhappy I really was.  I decided at age 49 to start to transition.  It has been almost 2 yrs now since I made that decision and I have never been happier.  Don't get me wrong, it has been difficult, work, friends, family, etc. but I don't regret it for a minute.  But everyone's path is different and you need to find yours.  Transitioning is a fluid process and it is not all in or not at all, there are many different states of it.  My best advice is to find a good counselor and explore the subject with him/her, it will help with the confusion.  We are here for support and advice and explore Susan's as there are a lot of great resources on here as well.  Good luck my friend, know that you are no longer alone, you now have all of us here at Susan's.

[AdamMLP]

I'm younger so I haven't had the same experiences of living a large portion of my life as female, and neither did I have a particularly feminine stage except for part of one year back when I was about thirteen, so I can't pretend that I can completely understand your problems, but I can emphasise.  I don't believe that you can keep pushing something like this away for your entire life, and god knows people have tried, god knows I'm trying to give off the impression of merely being a butch lesbian so that I can feel secure at my current workplace.

One thing which might help, would be to look up "finntheinfinncible" on youtube.  He too had to work through a lot of his past and understand why he'd always felt off when presenting as a female.  He's also in the UK (which I'm assuming you are from the My Transsexual Summer reference, I apologise if I'm wrong) which can help with the feeling of being able to relate sometimes.

Goodluck, and whilst we can't decide whether or not you're trans for you, or what the right path is, we can do whatever we can to help and offer advice for you.

[Jared]

Hey,
I had similar experiences to yours. I had years when I tried to live as a female, not really feminin but still. I had difficulties with that but I had friends finally. However I couldn't get into a relationship with anyone cause I knew inside I'm basically lying to everyone I dated and to myself. These people knew something's not okay with me. When I accepted myself as the guy I am, I found a girlfriend, this was just one more sign that I need transition. Before that I denied I have trans related feelings. I had a therapist becuase of depression and we talked about something and I said something similar that you. That was the point when I decided I won't deny it.
I think it's good to go to therapy or if you aren't comfortable with it just talk to someone about it who you trust. I hope you find the support you need and you can figure this out.

[Adam (birkin)]

Welcome!

You may be trans, and if you are, I can tell you it's a lot the same as your first coming out. It is scary, but you will find a way to come up with the words and to deal with any possible disapproval. Since you seem to be in the beginning stages I'll just leave you with those words, because that's really what it comes down to - if you had the strength to come out as a lesbian, you will have the strength to come out as trans too. It will all be OK. And honestly, it helps too that you are in your 30s, because you're an independent adult and if anyone has a problem with your coming out you're not dependent on them for your well-being.

To be honest though, I am very concerned about your partner not allowing you (or discouraging you from) men's clothes. I'm not denying the possibility that you could be trans, but it's possible that you may simply be a woman who is more comfortable wearing men's clothes and acting more stereotypically masculine. I'm a big believer in trying to be yourself in as many facets as you can before you start a physical transition, because you may find you are happy without changing your body. It also helps if you are, in fact, transgender, because you enter the process with a comfort in yourself and your interests. That's what I did, I tested the waters to see if I might just be a masculine woman (I tried to be very feminine before), and wore whatever clothes I wanted, did what I wanted, dated who I wanted, etc. I ended up realizing that my issue was in fact a body issue and not a social role issue. But it was a good thing in the end because by the time I was ready to start the actual physical process of transition, I entered it with a certainty and a comfort which helped me to get through some hurdles.

[insideontheoutside]

Welcome!

To be honest though, I am very concerned about your partner not allowing you (or discouraging you from) men's clothes. I'm not denying the possibility that you could be trans, but it's possible that you may simply be a woman who is more comfortable wearing men's clothes and acting more stereotypically masculine. I'm a big believer in trying to be yourself in as many facets as you can before you start a physical transition, because you may find you are happy without changing your body. It also helps if you are, in fact, transgender, because you enter the process with a comfort in yourself and your interests.

^This.

I'll also add that the more I explore and learn not just about myself but when I listen to other people tell their stories I realize that gender is a spectrum. It's not just black and white. If all you need are men's clothes to make yourself feel like yourself, then that would be great. Even if you decided to one day get top surgery, but nothing else, if that is what makes you feel more like you and more comfortable in your own skin, that's also great. Having a partner though that doesn't "approve" of the real you, is a bit of a bummer. I really have no room to talk there because I've never been in a relationship where my partner kept me from expressing myself. I just know that that's probably not the best situation.

[Jessica Merriman]

Welcome to the family! It takes a lot to tell people, especially strangers how you feel about something so personal. You have my admiration for having the courage to question yourself on your very identity. I felt the same way as you write about except that I an MtF. The feeling of something not right and being told to act a certain way contradictory to your own feelings is terrible. You have taken a very big and important first step and just know we will help you from here on out if you will let us. This family is full of special, educated and caring people who will be there when you need it. All you have to do is ask and I feel you have done that. You have been adopted....forever! I hope to get to know you better in the post's and don't hesitate for a minute to PM me if you ever need anything. Here is a "BIG HUG" to properly start you on your journey. 

[Cindy]

Hi Pootle
welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

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Facing up to the questions your are asking is the first step to happiness. There are lots of guys here who had similar experiences and we all understand how difficult and traumatic those first steps are. But you are taking them. One step at a time, that is all you need to start a journey.

[Lake James]

Hello everyone

Thank you so much for all the replies !!! This isn't my reply as such, but just a quick stopping by to say "thank you".  I'm still trying to take this whole week in and feel very like....erm....bewildered and shell shocked I guess.  I can think about it for a bit and then I have to step back and breathe.  So I may take awhile before I do answer properly, but I really do appreciate that you have all taken the time to make me feel very welcome and not so alone xxx

[Lake James]

Hello ok, I breathed and I'm back.  I know I have already said it already, but thank you so much for the replies.  Already I don't feel so alone with this and that's because of you.  I am indeed from the UK and have checked out Finn's youtube channel, so thanks for the pointer.  I had a counselling session yesterday (I had already been having counselling for depression/anxiety etc) and bought this up.  She was great too and has said we can look at it as much as I want, including all the confusing, messy and conflicting feelings I have surrounding it.  One thing that is very clear to me is that I definitely do not identify as female - I hate being called a woman - simply because I don't feel like one.  However I don't feel like a man either.  I seem to identify much more strongly to being a young teenage boy ? Is this weird...it feels weird.  I don't know if its due to my size, I'm a very slight built 5ft2.  Does anyone have any ideas what that might be about ?
When talking I told her that I felt like I had left the boy version of me behind, many years ago and that I had to go back and get him.  So currently it almost feels like there is 2 of me...me and this boy who got lost along the way somehow.  In the session yesterday I also said that if someone created a third gender I would jump at the chance to be that, however it would still have to be more male than female....like sitting in the middle doesn't feel right either.  I guess if there was a scale and say 0 was female and 10 was male, I would put myself at a 7. 
The more I think about this, the more things seem to fall in to place.  Its like I have ignored so many signs my entire life and it feels a bit like I have just discovered the missing part to a puzzle.  Part of me feels a tiny bit excited.

I don't know if a full transition would ever be right for me, or even a part one, but I know I have to acknowledge this now and I have decided to make a few very small changes and see how I feel.  If my depression and other problems start to lift, then I will make some more and see how I go.  What do you reckon ? For starters I am not going to wear any clothes that make me feel horrible anymore....so no more women's fit jeans ! The next thing is perfume...going....but I need to find a unisex one.  Apart from CKone, does anyone have any suggestions ?

I'm sorry if this reply is all over the place...however you should see the inside of my head atm