People being able to tell I'm trans

[JesseO]

Hello All,

I am feeling kind of down and out today. I am almost 3 years on T, post-op. I recently started a new job, and a girl there starting talking to me. I do have a girlfriend, and this girl knows that. Most of my friends are females, so this whole getting to know each other is totally platonic. She asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her, hang out, things like that. We decided to exchange phone numbers and started texting this weekend. She told me she is a lesbian, which is completely cool and makes things less weird. Then, she told me she likes to hang out with people in the community. Basically, she knew I was FTM without me saying it. I think she kind of knew it upset me, but she said the only reason she could tell is because she did a lot of research on FTM stuff. It still makes me feel horrible about myself because it means I still stand out differently than regular guys....even after 3 years and after surgery. I don't want to suddenly stop talking to her because I am not ashamed of who I am, and don't want it to come off that way. I am just bummed because this is a brand new job, with NO one who knows my past - except for her now. I guess I am just looking for advice on how to feel better about the situation.

[Ltl89]

Hey Jesse,

Just wanted to say sorry that you were spotted.  But it's not necessarily a bad thing.  Remember, she was okay with it and she probably has more exposure to the trans community than others.  If one person spots you, that doesn't mean that the next 1,000 will.  I have a friend that trans and living stealth.  To me, there are signs that she is trans, but that is only because I know her very well as well as the transgender community.  It says nothing about her ability to pass than it does about my sensitivity to ts stuff.  Most people in her life never guess anything and would never imagine anything different.  Therefore, I really wouldn't feel bad about one person detecting you.  And for all you know, she could have said that mistaknely about other guys who showed the "signs" that were cis in reality.  So, I wouldn't feel to bad about it.  Still, I understand why you feel this way and hope you feel better. 

[Adam (birkin)]

If you are stealth, I would deny it. She meant well, yes, but it is an assumption and it is rude.

[rexyrex]

I agree with caleb if your steath then she doesnt need to know that your a ftm, and there are cis male who can be feminine, so i dont know how or what made her say that.

[wheat thins are delicious]

If you are stealth, I would deny it. She meant well, yes, but it is an assumption and it is rude.

This.  If I were in the same situation I would deny.  She may have had good intentions, but if she were any kind of ally she would know that approaching someone with an assumption like that is rude and un-ally like behavior.

[CR]

Maybe she just thinks you're gay.

[Jack_M]

Personally I wouldn't deny it. It sounds like she's just clued in enough to know. I know of lots of trans individuals that can fully pass, but there's little things that I can spot, just through being in the community and seeing something that is a tell on a more consistent basis. I wouldn't say it means you don't pass at all, just that she's clued in enough to spot the tells. If she's just speaking like that it sounds like she has the best intentions and isn't looking to gossip.

I think the best approach, if this was me, would be to acknowledge that she's fine with it but just state that I feel it's inconsequential to the way I live today and it's merely just a part of my history now and not something I personally feel the need to talk about. It's essentially just a polite way to acknowledge whilst also stating that you don't want to talk about it. Denying it would be to lie rather than just keep it under wraps, and could affect how you feel about having to project yourself as more manly or any of that rubbish. You obviously pass enough to be stealth, if one person close to the community and very observant can tell, but isn't going to gossip about it, I wouldn't let that bug me personally.

[aleon515]

Perhaps someone esp. observant. Not sure that you can say that because she noticed, everyone will. I'm out but by the same token when I am out in public, store and so on, I don't tell people. I am pretty sure if I am read as male ,99% of those people who read me as male don't think "oh he's trans". They just read me as male.

--Jay