"it"

[JordanBlue]

It's overwhelming...yeah...I had it, the vision...
I guess some might even call it a spiritual revelation.  I've managed to keep "it" in a padlocked box and deeply buried for years and years.  I was really good at hiding "it" too, ever since I was about ten years old. I've even managed to not CD for the last five years.  Now "it" has hit me again like a ton of bricks.  WHY NOW?  I just turned 59 last month, I'm WAY too old for this. Plus, I don't even remotely resemble anything female.  I always knew I felt different inside. I wasn't like the other guys.  I formed my defenses and found ways to cope, yet really did nothing about "it". Now "it" is just too strong to avoid any longer. Am I at the gates of "transition"? Or am I just a delusional old fool?

[JillSter]

One thing I realized is that if it was always there, it's definitely not a delusion.

You owe it to yourself to explore it. Regardless of what you decide to do about it, it needs to be faced and accepted for your own peace of mind.

This is a great place for sorting out your feelings and learning about the experiences of others. It helped me so much just to know I wasn't the only one who felt this way.

Good luck on your journey, where ever it takes you!

[Robin Mack]

There are a number of wonderful women here who have transitioned later.  It is not too late.

And yes, my story is similar, except it finally hit me when I was 39.

*hug*

Just remember, it is not an "it".  It is *you*, demanding to be released after all these years.  You've had a long time to see if you could hide, tucked inside your mask... the question you must ask yourself is whether that is how you want to end your days, or if you want to show yourself to the world as a real, functional woman.

For me, I realized I had to transition when I noticed that I saw no future in my male mask... I literally could not see a future for me as a man.  When I finally accepted that I was transgendered, that did not change... but I did see a future for myself as an old woman, one day. 

[Jamie D]

It's overwhelming...yeah...I had it, the vision...
I guess some might even call it a spiritual revelation.  I've managed to keep "it" in a padlocked box and deeply buried for years and years.  I was really good at hiding "it" too, ever since I was about ten years old. I've even managed to not CD for the last five years.  Now "it" has hit me again like a ton of bricks.  WHY NOW?  I just turned 59 last month, I'm WAY too old for this. Plus, I don't even remotely resemble anything female.  I always knew I felt different inside. I wasn't like the other guys.  I formed my defenses and found ways to cope, yet really did nothing about "it". Now "it" is just too strong to avoid any longer. Am I at the gates of "transition"? Or am I just a delusional old fool?

Why now?  Because your T-levels are dropping like a ton of bricks.

Why now?  Because you are at an age where there is less pressure on you to toe society's line.

Why now?  Because the dysphoria catches up with all of us, eventually.

Why now?  Because you are being exposed to a community of your peers.

Don't feel bad, you are in good company.  Mother Nature and Father Time have conspired against me too.

"Be the change."

[eshaver]

Why now?  Because your T-levels are dropping like a ton of bricks.

Why now?  Because you are at an age where there is less pressure on you to toe society's line.

Why now?  Because the dysphoria catches up with all of us, eventually.

Why now?  Because you are being exposed to a community of your peers.

Don't feel bad, you are in good company.  Mother Nature and Father Time have conspired against me too.

"Be the change."

J, someone owes you a dinner dear ! Of all the responses , you'res is the one I would want to quote !!!!!!!!  YOU GO !!!!!!!!!!!!! ellen

[Jerri]

Hi
just a quick note about starting late, I am 56 just started my 3rd month of hrt, I just could not go on any longer hiding behind that male image.
this has been the best thing I have ever done for me, it will take a bit of work and money to be able to pass with that many years of t, but a little bit each day is way better for me than never
I have came out to my family and work both of which are still intact, my family likes me better as the reduced stress, anger, Anxiety, about 9 months sober, has improved our relationship kids and grandkids included. It took about 8 months of council before I was ready to accept that I was losing the war and slowly killing myself hiding mentally, spiritually, and physically and decided to face the truth and come out completly
everyone is going to have different experiences and feelings about how they will or wont go, and if it is the right path for them, a good therapist will really help to sort that out
just having a good group of people like here to talk to can really help you find your path and get you through those tough times that are always present

for me this is not an "it" thing this is finding the courage to face society as ourselves with all joy and sorrow that comes with that,
I hope you can find peace and make the best decision for you

best wishes
Jerri

[JordanBlue]

You folks appear to be far more courageous about dealing with this than I am. To be 100% honest, it scares the hell out of me, just thinking about steps I should take to explore this.   I already have a psych that I have seen periodically for years just to get my med for depression.   But I've told him zero about this, as I don't feel comfortable talking to him.  I did send out a few email inquiries today to some therapists in my area who had TS issues listed on their websites, so I'll see what I can find out.  Will I even be able to describe what's going on to a qualified therapist?  I guess that remains to be seen.  I know spilling my guts isn't going to be easy for me. 
I want to thank all of you for being so helpful and nice to me.  It really does help.

[Robin Mack]

You folks appear to be far more courageous about dealing with this than I am. To be 100% honest, it scares the hell out of me, just thinking about steps I should take to explore this.   I already have a psych that I have seen periodically for years just to get my med for depression.   But I've told him zero about this, as I don't feel comfortable talking to him.  I did send out a few email inquiries today to some therapists in my area who had TS issues listed on their websites, so I'll see what I can find out.  Will I even be able to describe what's going on to a qualified therapist?  I guess that remains to be seen.  I know spilling my guts isn't going to be easy for me. 
I want to thank all of you for being so helpful and nice to me.  It really does help.

It doesn't come all at once, you know... step by step the courage comes.  First (and the step many never make) is admitting your condition to yourself.  Next is understanding you need help, and you need it badly enough to take the step of asking for it.  It does get easier from there, often, because a good gender therapist can be there to walk you through the other steps. 

*hug*

It's not an easy road, but for many of us it is the *only* road.  And it does get better... oh, so much better, the farther you go.  There will be tough times, but there is nothing like being the person you were meant to be.

And you are *not* alone.  There are many brothers and sisters walking this road along with you, and we are here to help you when you stumble, just as you are there to help us.

[Ashey]

Sometimes I look back and think 'could I really have lived the rest of my life that way?'. And the answer is always 'of course not'. I tried burying it through my teens, and it didn't take. I doubt it ever could. And even if I did manage to get the genie back in the bottle, the next time it escaped it would probably destroy me. As scary as transitioning can be, at least you're giving yourself a chance to live and be happy.

[JordanBlue]

Sometimes I look back and think 'could I really have lived the rest of my life that way?'. And the answer is always 'of course not'.

Ashey:
I'm asking myself the same question right now.  I probably can live the rest of my life the way I have been, I've had practice.  Do I want to?  No.  Is there more to life than life than this?  I'd like to find out.