Disassociation and then unity

[Dana88]

So one of the issues I dealt with for a while was disassociation and compartmentalizing. All of my private time was spent wanting to be female or back when I was living alone, dressing as female as soon as the door to my apartment was closed. Then I would go out presenting as male and I would compartmentalize all of the obvious signals that I was trans, and I would convince myself that I was totally a cis-male. This of course ignored the fact that cis-men don't dress as women because it makes them feel better, or go to bed wishing they would wake up female, or privately shave all their body hair because it makes them feel more feminine etc. etc. (and the list goes on). But I would compartmentalize those feelings and when I was out in public as a man it was as if some other strange person had those thoughts, not me.

As I get closer to transition I'm noticing this disassociation with my female side disappearing as I accept it more and more. In my bathroom there's a full length mirror, and literally from as far back as I can remember whenever I would take a shower I would put my penis in between my legs, and I would try and push the little bit of fat on my chest together to make it look like breasts. And I would look in the mirror and imagine it was real. Then I would let go, get in the shower, and compartmentalize and then convince myself I was not actually trans.

Recently I was looking in the mirror and did the same thing I have always done. I suddenly had the realization that soon I will not need to imagine. Soon my body will be growing breasts, and getting the curves I have always longed for. Soon my body will be smooth and feminine. And within a few years I won't have to be pushing anything out of sight out of mind because the thing downstairs will be gone. No longer will I have to imagine and fantasize about my body being female because it just will be, all the time. And as this realization settled in I felt so deeply happy, and this overwhelming sense of relief washed over me.

The start of HRT can't come soon enough. 9 days till my bloodwork! 

[evecrook]

good  luck. I know what you mean about pushing it between your legs.

[Dana88]

good  luck. I know what you mean about pushing it between your legs.

Haha I'm sure all of us mtf on here do.

[Robin Mack]

*hug*  Thank you for sharing this... you have articulated this very eloquently.  In a few short paragraphs you have written down the process I am going through as well, and it has helped me process it.

For a while I have been trying too hard, wanting to transition too quickly.  Rather than just letting my inner self come to the fore, I have been pushing myself to walk, dress, and act more "feminine", in the end causing me to call more attention to myself than I needed to, hampering my chances to be taken seriously as a woman.

Then a process very like the one you described started to take place, where I began to integrate the female me better, no longer compartmentalizing so strongly, and I became a lot more comfortable with who I am and with the transition process in general.

Rather than being desperate to become a woman on the outside, I am more content now to just let myself manifest over time.  It really isn't a race; I just need to quit denying myself through over-compartmentalizing.

*hug*

[Dana88]

*hug*  Thank you for sharing this... you have articulated this very eloquently.  In a few short paragraphs you have written down the process I am going through as well, and it has helped me process it.

For a while I have been trying too hard, wanting to transition too quickly.  Rather than just letting my inner self come to the fore, I have been pushing myself to walk, dress, and act more "feminine", in the end causing me to call more attention to myself than I needed to, hampering my chances to be taken seriously as a woman.

Then a process very like the one you described started to take place, where I began to integrate the female me better, no longer compartmentalizing so strongly, and I became a lot more comfortable with who I am and with the transition process in general.

Rather than being desperate to become a woman on the outside, I am more content now to just let myself manifest over time.  It really isn't a race; I just need to quit denying myself through over-compartmentalizing.

*hug*

Exactly! It's the realization that after so many years of compartmentalizing "female me" and "male me" that there is no "female me" and "male me" there is just me.