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[jussmoi4nao]

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[Allie]

Hey Steph, everything is going to be alright!!!

Like I do, just keep the good things in mind and let the bad pass.

I am planning to be full time by sometime late next year and I just keep moving forward with transition day by day. I know these are words but it's also my mindset. I can't fall/stop because I want to be me. I didn't always feel this way, I struggled with this for 40 years. Really struggled but my therapist really helped me look at life as a gift and consider my options. It was like a revelation one day, it just popped into my head where I accepted who I was.

Nothing about this is easy, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Right now I am dealing with coming out to family and friends. It has been a mixed bag but nothing as bad as I feared. Just moving milestone to milestone.

Best of all today I am happy to my soul not where I have been over the years

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Stef, it's going to be alright. You've fallen into the trap of looking at every issue at once, and that can lead to frustration. You need to break that mountain up into manageable hills. I think step one should be a job. Once you're taking care of the necessities of life, the rest should be easier. Life kicks our asses, give it a good swift kick back! Hugs, Devlyn

[CindyCD]

Life is like roller coaster, lots of ups and downs. Sometimes the low parts can seem overwhelming, but there is light after the dark periods. Devlyn Marie is right. Don't try to fix everything at once. I know you feel alone right now, but know that your not alone with us. We are real people who accept you and will be there. Just keep being the beautiful, caring person I can tell that you are.

Hugs,
Cindy

[Eva Marie]

Devlyn is right - you are looking at the big huge picture and it's overwhelming you. You need a plan.

Sit down in a quiet place and write down a short list of the things that you wish could change right now. Then look at the list and think about what you can do to make those changes happen. A job sounds to me like it's your highest priority. OK, you don't have some things that would be helpful for finding a job, but they are still out there to be found; employers are looking not only for education but they want people that can work hard and be an asset to their company - be that person. Once you have a job then maybe you could figure out some kind of a different arrangement with your mom. And keep working down that list one item at a time. Take charge and make those changes happen.

Another thing that I'd guess is missing from your life is something that inspires you and lifts you up. We all need that be it listening to music, reading, being outdoors observing nature, volunteering to help the less fortunate, or whatever. What encourages and inspires you?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. And you eat an elephant one bite at a time. Just take it day by day, keeps the problem size manageable, and don't try to fix everything all at once.

And when those bad days happen you can come here sweetie - this is your family; we are always here. That other option you were thinking about - please don't go there.

[Oriah]

Take a deep breath and remember life is but a series of moments.  Be present in yours.  Live one second at a time.  Prioritize, tackle the most urgent problems first.  Ask for help honestly and without begging.  Ask everyone.  Ask everything.  Dig to the depths of your soul and make your every action a prayer to this great universe.

And remember, keep your eyes peeled for opportunity.  When I was homeless I panhandled a lot for food.  Over time I realized that climbing fruit trees and eating apples and grapefruit in the shade is a lot more reliable and entertaining than panhandling in the hot sun.  That experience taught me a lot about recognizing opportunity

[Athena]

Hey Stef I hate to use the old adage it's going to get better but it does. Back a couple of months I lost all hope for a future and I spiraled into a severe depression that I felt that I could never pull myself out of.
I found myself looking for a reason to not kill myself and the only thing I could find was that I was looking for a reason. I really had no one to talk to and even if I did I would likely only get mad making my depression worse. I couldn't find any hope I expected my life to get worse. I could only clean up my apartment a bit so when I finally decided to take my own life I wouldn't leave a mess. I was to go on a trip but it just caused me more stress because it was going to be a pain in the but to go on.
My life didn't get worse. I am still cleaning my apartment so it will be easier to move when I am able to get out of this situation. I am very much looking forward to the trip in 2 weeks (no stress and no difficulties ) and finally and most importantly I found my own hope again, it will be a long road and there will be bumps and I am sure I will get depressed again but I did get better, I am looking forward to the future with hope and optimism.

Understand you will get depressed all you can do is hang strong and ride the wave out. Live for the times you do have hope.

[Lake James]

Hey Stef firstly...BIG HUG !

Well I am so very, very new here and really don't feel like I can offer anything in regard to experience of transgender issues, but I do have experience of severe depression and anxiety.  I too have battled with suicidal feelings since my teens, including some over the past few months.  I too, just wanted to escape, to get away from myself, all the pain I felt and not have to face another day, but I could never have gone through with it due to fear of death and guilt concerning those I would leave behind.  This kind of left me feeling trapped, but I always said to myself that no matter what....I would always "fight one more day" and that's what I did.  I took things one day at a time, I tried to find things online that made me smile and when I did, I spent hours watching, reading whatever it was.  Anything to break through the feelings of despair I had.  I also made use of the Samaritans and still do.  I also came across a quote online and it made me stop and think one very dark night "suicide doesn't end the pain, it just gives it to someone else".

Please just hang in there, one day at a time xx poot

[kathyk]

Hugs Stef.  It is going to be alright.  Life will come together and love will find you. 

I've been there.  Even did a last diary entry and typed a note to my wife and sons.  Seemed that everything in my life was gone, and I was pressured to act on everything at once.  But then I decided to first make a few phone calls to some girls I barely knew.  And hey, they cared and gave me something new to look forward to.  Even if they weren't family or close friends they offered to help more than any other persons I've ever known.  We shared a commonality in life that few people outside our community can understand, and I'm so grateful they took time for me.

You never need to be issolated here on Susan's.  We care. 

[evecrook]

You'll be all right. Your very young, you might not have very many tools right now to be able to see that bright light down the hall way. Day by day you acquire the tools that show how to cope with the things that hit you in the face. Like so many of us who have been where your at we realize there is such a beauty inside of each of us that sooner or later bursts out. It's hard at times but you can make it . I love you.

[MadelineB]

Hi Stef,
*HUGE HUG*

You aren't stupid. Hope in the darkness is simply the voice of your truest self, holding you and hugging you from the inside. Do your best to love her back.

If I was in your town, we'd be having lunch today, my treat, complete with all the hugs you can stand.

We are all unique, but your story resonates with mine. I too was raised by (or rather raised myself dedpite) a very religious very rigid very conservative set of parents and I survived their severe mental illness, divorce, poverty, lack of boundaries, lack of safety.

My mom had DID and BPD and severe depression, my dad had NPD and PTSD and severe depression. At 17 I was living alone, supporting myself, and 3000 miles from the nearest person I knew, and dealing with my own trauma and trans* issues.

I just want you to know that you have been through the worst that life has thrown you, through no fault of your own, and have survived! That is an amazing accomplishment, and you are an amazing young woman.

I hope you can get yourself in touch with basic medical care ( like antidepressants?) and professional mental health care. Most counties have free or sliding scale walk-in clinics, as well as free or sliding scale individual and group therapy. You definitely qualify based on your financial need and medical need.

In time, when you've got yourself working again, you might want to look at therapists trained in DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy). It is the best for learning to self-regulate your thoughts and moods if you are BPD. Really works.

If you need to talk I am here. Feel free to email or PM me Stef.
We all need big sisters.
-Maddie

[Phyliciaraine]

~hugs~
Stef, honey you are so much stronger than you think. Having gone through everything you already have.

I know things are tough right now. I know you can't see how things will get better. They will hun, they will. The one secret that has always helped me is to think that things are going to get better. Keep that thought in your mind. I know in my dark times I'd repeat it to myself over and over. Once the dark passed I tried to keep the feeling of things are getting better, and try hard not to think on the dark things. Keep your eyes open, and you will find a way that things are getting better. We all care about you hun. Things will get better.

[Robin Mack]

*hug*

I know things are bleak right now, but it does get better.  Sometimes you just have to keep on moving through life, one step at a time.  You are right, having allies, people who love you and are willing to be there for you is important.  And, virtually at least, you're in the right place (as you can see by all the love and care shown on this page).  You are *not* alone.  You are *never* alone, as long as you are willing to reach out.

You can do this... you're already reaching out to us.  I urge you to reach out to local people in your community, too.  You've got a heavy burden that is incredibly difficult to bear alone.  Worse, a lot of it is stuff you likely feel ashamed of, making it harder still to ask for help.  Please, please understand the one key thing I've learned in nearly forty years of hiding from myself:  You have *NOTHING* to be ashamed of.  You deserve the same shot at happiness as everyone else on this planet.

With much love and care in my heart for you,

*HUG*

-Robin

[JordanBlue]

Stef...I know this may sound all spiritual and emotional...but there's a light at the end of the darkness.  It "will" get better.  And you know what?  I'm pretty new here, but am learning there are some very special folks on this forum.  In fact, some that have already touched my heart are posting to you in this thread. Hang in there...

[MadelineB]

Good to hear from you again Stef. *hugs* It is awesome that you are beginning to step back from the overwhelming feeling you've been in to think about steps for yourself.

When you talk to your prescribing doctor, be sure to mention your concerns about weight gain (and that it might increase your dysphoria etc) and mind-altering effects. These days there are effective anti-depressants that do not cause weight gain and at the same time do not affect thinking, just modify your neurochemistry to be healthier. I am thinking for example bupropion, but there are quite a few other like it. My biochemistry loved that medication - no la-la feeling or complacency like some other meds give, I lost weight, and had reduced tendency for obsessive thoughts/addictive tendencies. Like I said, there are many medications available today, many that are generic already, which don't cause the side effects you worry about. Just talk with your doctor about it.
-Maddie

[evecrook]

It's really a good idea to get a helping hand from a therapist. I'm sure some hospital or state agency can hook you up. I recently lost my job of 20 years .I ended up in the psyche ward for suicide prevention. There is usually a hospital that has what is called partial hospitalization program. They teach you to cope. It's an excellent program. It has saved my life . I 'm going through trying to transition and job loss and it can be difficult. Also I have no money so they let me do the program on a charity basis. There is a lot of very caring people out there who will help you. They have saved my life. I hope you reach out for these people. hospitals are a good place to start looking. There is a lot of things in life you can experience beside pain misery.

[musicofthenight]

I guess what I should start with would be getting to a therapist and getting treatment for my depression

Bingo.


May I share my experience with medication?  My GP put me on sertraline HCl - generic Zoloft - and it freed me to quit my job and seriously explore my gender issues.  It did this through sharpening my social anxiety and giving me tremors plus episodes of euphoria and hypomania - also diarrhea as a bonus.

I'm now in the process of replacing it with St. John's wort and possibly adding 5-hydroxytryptophan.  The SJW has eliminated the side effects, though I'm not sleeping as consistently as I would like.  Not yet - it still needs some time.

I was on the zolo for less than 3 months and at a fairly low dose.  It gave me noticable withdrawals when I quit to start the naturals, though not quite the horror stories you hear.

Natural options work well (yes, in real clinical trials!) for mild or moderate depression, and as a stepping-stone from pharmaceuticals to med-free.  Depending on the severity of your symptoms, you may benefit from bigger guns to start.  But depression gets better with improved health and coping strategies. 

I do believe you have a right to make med-free living your goal.  But I encourage you to consider drugs for breaking the depression - anxiety - restlessness cycle.  Do therapy and meds together.

>  energy and motivation to work

See, you do have a goal to work towards.

> And I don't want to just be happy with my bad circumstances, I want my circumstances to change. I'd rather be dead than be happy with being half alive.

It's a cycle.  Meds can get you out of a loop, they can also fog you something awful.  They are addictive - physically not psychologically: when you try to quit you don't want to take the drugs, you just want the shivers or crying or headache to stop.  Talk about it with your prescribing doctor, and have a plan for knowing when you're ready to quit and how.

> And number three...and this is vain and shallow and you will probably all just get annoyed by it

Not at all.

How thin is thin?  (Height-weight-waist, BMI, bodyfat composition, etc.)  It's possible to obsess over thinness beyond what makes you healthy and attractive.  My advice is to have your doctor and therapist keep an eye on you.  Do your best to trust their opinion - being too skinny screws up your hormones and makes you feel like pooh.

Some anti-depressants plus estrogen might be the magic formula for excessive weight gain.  If that's the case, you may get a reprieve for now, take the time to gather your energy, rebuild your hope, love the boy in the mirror more as you can imagine the lady she's growing into.  When you resume transition you can figure out how to juggle meds and HRT - right meds right dose even going to HRT only.

> I'm sorry if this sounds bad, but I like being pretty. .... If I don't have that then I'm really not worth anything to anyone

Oh, Stef, beautiful...  I think you deserve a higher class of lover.  What I hear from you is you've concluded being a pretty face to ** is the best you can do.  But it doesn't make you feel fulfilled.

That means your subconscious knows can do better for yourself.  Admit it.  Lay off the desperate sex for a while and try something different.  There are always people who need you, even if you don't know them yet.

Take some time to feed the hungry
or drive elders to the store and
with a smile hear their lives retold
be, for now, the pretty boy who teaches kids to read
be loved for the poetry you write
in others lives if not in words, and when
you are blessed with someone else who cares
a comrade in your struggles,
you might just get some really fantastic sex.
Rekindle your romance, heroism, beauty;
that should be your goal for now I think.


Therapy, beauty, psychiatry... yeah, there's still strength to be found.

[Tessa James]

Hello Stef,

You seem to have some fab support here and I just want to say that your ability to imagine that loving support with arms around you is one of your strengths.  What you can imagine and picture for your self can be made real.  With billions of potential human connections now available to us the world is truly your oyster.  I recommend lots of butter with those

For way too long my secret shadow self became a toxic dungeon that allowed me to imagine a hateful and hurtful world of transition.  It was completely untrue as my experience has been overwhelmingly positive with a renewed capacity for me to experience love and understanding.  Please keep those headlights pointed in a positive direction so you don't drive off the road.

[Allie]

Juss, how are you feeling today?

Any thoughts on finding some therapy???

I can't stress enough how necessary this was. It wasn't until I threw everything out there that she was able to help me start making sense of my own head. At the very least it should provide some kind of focus, a way to accept.

What I have been finding is that the big obstacle in the way is... myself!

[Sammy]

Then there's one who wants to fly me out to visit him. He has a lot of money and wants to help with my transition and stuff, and I dunno. Something about the mutual exchange of using and being used feels right and safe to me. Its something I have to work out..

Please, please be careful with that kind of engagements... You are so young and have the looks that might attract certain kind of types...  It is fine for a girl to use someone, but be picky, trust Your instincts and dont get abused. OK?