I think I have told you that I've been exactly where you are, with the difficulty passing, the long wait, the soul-crushingness of it all...waiting for two and a half years was the worst thing I ever did to myself. What's holding you back from T (I think you've mentioned it but I forget)?
That said, looking at my own situation in hindsight, I have kinda good news and bad news. The bad news is that I really had a lot of trouble moving out of the pit until I started T. Looking back, if I could have, I think I would have made different choices and different sacrifices and started T earlier. I remember having a discussion with a good friend, and I said to her "Why can't I just be happy while waiting for T? Why can't I just accept that I am seen as a woman for the time being?" And her response was genius imo, she said "because if you could, you'd probably not be transgender to begin with - that's the whole point, if you could be happy living as female, you wouldn't be going through all this in the first place!" And getting on T has helped in many ways - I still get dysphoria but all the time I see more and more "me" in the mirror.
The kinda good news is that T doesn't do everything, so if you can't start right now, you can at least ease the pain a little. When I started T, the dysphoria got better, but some things that didn't get better are things like my negative self-talk. I realize that being seen as female and having the wrong hormones is extremely painful, but it doesn't mean that you're a "fat girl full of ugly curves." Your body may be wrong but that doesn't make you ugly. Even losing weight won't help much with that negative self-image - it could be good to help with anxiety and depression, but it's not going to make you have a better image of yourself. T isn't going to change you, weight loss isn't going to change you, you have to change you. Something that has done wonders for me (I don't know if this would make things better or worse in your case) is looking at images of big guys. On some level I was comparing myself to these supermodel guys, but when I started looking at images of fat men (shirtless, and yes, often naked, lol, don't judge me) I realized that I didn't have to be a supermodel to be a guy, or even to be an attractive guy! I don't like men really, but I can objectively say "those guys aren't ugly because they're bigger, they don't have to change by getting ripped, why do I?" Seeing that some of them have big chests helps me too, cause I can visualize my own chest as just part of being bigger. I dunno. Lol. It works for me.
