Knowing I don't pass.
Even within the stage of a minute or two ordering a coffee at Starbucks. First I overheard a very short girl whisper to her very tall boyfriend "he needs a nosejob" while glancing at me, and then the guy at the register, after ordering in my most feminine voice "would you like anything else, sir?"
I try to leave my coat open so people can actually see I have lumps on my chest, albeit smaller than proportional, but they're still there. But people ignore them and look straight at the face. My confidence in my ability to pass was alresdy destroyed by my supposed "friend" who saw me as Willow for the first time on Monday, however had seen me at the caf before and never put two and two together, saying "I always knew that it wasn't really a woman" and telling me I need Jesus to help set me straight, and until I can pass 100% will still refer to me as male and by my legal name. I intended never to see him again, until he sat down across from me thursday night and started talking about penises, despite my frequent attempts to deter the conversation. It felt so... eeew.
That and it does look like I can get a loophole executed to see tge doctor reccomended to me by my therapist, however it could take a month or more to get in to see her, about the time I would need to go bavk to the gatekeeper, the latter of which my therapist would prefer me doing because it's just simpler logistically, but I had to explain that it was the third time that is been told 2-3 more months by the gatekeeper and wanted to go somewhere else, but she still doubted the timeframe.
I can't last anoyher week, let alone month, without starting to get rid of my body hair, growing breasts, and reshaping the face so I'm maybe 25% passable rather than 0%.
