QuoteYou are saying our male ego makes us hard....but as we let our female ego grows it makes us vunerable.
how very true a statement from my own experience. I retained the "hard side" long into transition and it seemed nothing could ever really intimidate me or cause me to worry as I felt I could handle anything that crossed my path.
these attitudes bothered me though because they made me react to situations in a different manner then I was really comfortable and overshadowed much of my truer nature. I was always in deep conflict with myself and interactions with people, but I never tried all that hard to surpress that side of me because It made me secure in myself and gave me an almost total confidence level in myself in any circumstance.
Within the last year though, I have seen and understood the necessity for letting go of all that and doing so has opened up my mind in ways I never imagined possible. I began to be more at peace with myself and more tolerant of other people. It has it's drawbacks though, in becoming closer to myself I have undermined my ability to simply throw off things that affect my feelings like I once could and I don't feel as secure in any invironment as I used to. Previously I would laugh at the thought of paying any attention to what kind of people were around me or what part of town I was in, now I'm a little more cautious about things and rely more on my mind and presentation to see me through rougher situations.
I feel weaker, more vulnerable, less likely to be as confrontational, though I still can't help it sometimes. All at once I feel as a burdon has been lifted from me and like I have lost something, but so far I have had no need of what I "lost".
Trade offs I guess, for every action there is a reaction and for all I drop and walk away from, the more I seem to gain in terms of understanding of my own wants and needs and emotional contact with others. It is like going from an almost total numbness and seperatism to feeling like a part of the lives of others and enjoying simple things in life that I had previously always just considered a waste of time and effort.
And yes, this does weaken me somewhat in some ways, but the gains outweigh the losses and it is worth it to me, and besides, I am no worse off then any other woman who spends a lot of time on strange streets and I still have vast experience to draw from if it is necessary, even if I choose to not use it.
Terri
