What am I really?

[Adamant]

Hey everyone. I have no idea if this kind of topic belongs here, but I thought you all may know better than anyone what I'm going through. I'm technically new here but I've been lurking for some time now, and after being quiet long enough, I wanted to ask for some advice. Even if it's just to know if anyone has been in the same place would be more than enough comfort. I guess I just need to get this out somewhere and see where it takes me.

A couple of years ago I first really learned about what it is to be transgender. I had heard about people who were transgender before but up until that point, I never really put a lot of thought into it or considered it beyond a term that applied to certain people (not to sound ignorant). But anyway, a few years ago I really started looking at gender identity and, although I wouldn't really call it an 'ah-ha' moment, it certainly captured my attention from the start. Something about it, I'm not sure whether it was because something rang true or I was just genuinely curious. Even since then I've been battling on and off with some serious depression related to how I perceive myself – and not just self-esteem, but wishing that I was male.

For the record, I am biologically female. Growing up, I never had any of the experiences I hear from a lot of you about how you knew that something was up or didn't quite fit from childhood. However, I've always been pretty gender neutral: I never really liked anything girly, I liked being a tomboy, and I did have times where I felt out of place compared to other girls – but I don't know if this is because I'm just an alternative kind of girl, or if it's because my identity doesn't align with that. I also never really considered gender, whether girl or boy, and just tended to kind of exist and do whatever I liked. For the most part I'm still the same way as far as being uncomfortable with my femininity and sticking to a neutral way of presenting myself.

Since I started to really contemplate how I felt about my gender identity, though, I can't stop thinking about it. Especially now it's getting harder and harder for me to ignore: in general I go through different waves where I will wish that I could physically be male, want to cut my hair, wear masculine clothes, et cetera, and then relapse into a period of time where I just forget the gender question entirely and put it out of my mind. I don't ever get more 'girly' during these points or fully embrace femininity; I just go back to being that kind of in-between person I always have been.

But when I think about becoming a guy and presenting myself as more masculine, it feels good. I feel better in the clothes; I feel better when I imagine myself as this other person. For years I've had this weird habit of imagining myself in my head as someone who I like and admire, and of course in the past few years a lot of those people have been men: sometimes I will stick with a female for a short period of time, but then I always go back to the men, and it kills me because I know that I could never really be that person. It terrifies me now because I have felt suicidal during some of these instances, simply due to the fact that I am not that man, whoever I choose to pretend to be at the time. I have no clue if this is related to the gender confusion or if it goes deeper, but it gets so much worse when it's a man as opposed to a woman that I'm imagining myself as.

Right now I'm idolizing the idea of being a man, and honestly, I can't stand how I'm presenting myself to other people. I'm not coping very well lately. I've been trying to push the boundaries I have little by little (incorporating more masculine clothes, restyling my hair) to see how it makes me feel. But I have no way of knowing if these desires will last until next week or if I will go back to simply existing as this person who doesn't really care to put a label on it – in other words not having to pick one gender over the other, so definitely not embracing the whole female thing either. I'm having a hard time dealing with it this time around because all I want to do is chop off all my hair again even though I told myself to try and grow it back out, and buy masculine clothes, and hell, even tell someone about it.

Is it even possible to be transgender if you have only considered the idea of being a man in the last few years alone? If you go back and forth between craving a male's body and then being okay just doing whatever a month later? Were any of your experiences like this at all, or did you pretty much know in a moment that transgender fit what you were feeling? I've thought that maybe I'm just more androgynous or possibly bigender, but for some reason these answers still don't satisfy me.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read all of this if you made it through. Any of your support or encouragement is so appreciated. Hearing all of your experiences and personal stories has been an incredible help to me and seeing the support on this forum is inspiring.

Adam

[Cindy]

Hi Adam,

and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
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I wouldn't get too caught up with labels, you may be gender fluid or androgynae .

I'll move your post to the introduction are so you can meet more people.

Hugs

Cindy

[Adamant]

Thanks, Cindy. And I'll definitely check out the links.

[TerriT]

Of course you can realize it later in life. It's your life! These feelings take time to identify. The feelings you have now are not diminished by timing or anything. If it's pressing on you this much , you should talk some more and think about a therapist. But there is no time limit or whatever.

[Andrea_LS]

Hello Adamant,

Wow, I can relate to so much of what you said. I identify as mtf transsexual now, but for the longest time a battle of identity and wondering about my intentions ensued, along with depression.

I didn't really understand what the term "transgender" meant until two years ago. I was born male, and raised in a rather strict and "norm conforming" household. I was homeschooled also, further severing me from outside information. I didn't realize I was transgender back then; I simply knew I was different than boys. I'd look at my body and see I was different than girls too, so, I just stuck with "different" as my descriptor. I wasn't totally aware of it at the time, but a long bout of depression began around 2nd grade, when boys and girls began separating their social groups by gender: I didn't fit in with the boys, and girls began treating me different. Back in preschool all my friends had been girls. Around puberty I felt the change was alien. By 15 some rather profound dreams I had woke me up to knowing that somewhere deep inside I was female, and longed to be that way through-and-through. An intense inner struggle began in me to grapple with the idea; I didn't want to act more natural (feminine) for fear people would think I liked boys, and I kept beating myself up with thoughts that it was a hopeless fantasy or that I didn't separate what I desire from what I am or want to be (being lesbian and in a male body was really confusing for a long time). Anyway, eventually, I was able to sort out my feelings and past, and found myself, and I'm sure you will be able to find yourself, too. Like it's been said before, labels are not always helpful, and you could be androgynous, bigender, genderfluid - The list goes on! The important thing is that you accept yourself and live as genuinely you as you can be - not to other's standards, but to your own. Feeling whole and happy are wonderful things, and I'm sure you can accomplish them!

[michelle_kelly]

Hi Adam and welcome. 

That is the problems with labels they can be constraining.  Don't worry if you fit the label of being transgender or that your experiences don't match up with other people who share the label.  Gender identity is a complex subject and everyone's experience is unique.  They may share similar experiences but that doesn't change who we are and how we deal with it. 

Be understanding with your self and what you are going through.  Talk with people that you feel comfortable with and you see them as nonjudgmental to ask their insight and help you understand.  Define and express yourself as you see fit at the time. 

People that understand will not judge you different because you didn't fit our definition of the  label of being transgender, gender neutral or when it happen or whatever.  That is one thing we are trying to get away from in my opinion.  We are trying to be ourselves regardless of the label that other people put on us.  So don't worry about it and just be yourself.    Find the answer that satisfies you.

[musicofthenight]

Hi, Adam.  Yeah you sound transgender, but it's a very broad term and thus isn't all that useful.  You are you, and I wish you luck.

I remember when my classmates started to sort themselves.  I hated it too, and to this day I don't like heavily gendered or sexualized environments.  A strip club would be torture to me, with all the crushing expectations about how I'd be supposed to feel and act.  Hell, no!

On the other hand, I'd like to point out that there's no reason that long hair has to be girly.  Simple low pony under a bandanna, shave your sideburns square*, tada: masculine/androgynous hairstyle.  Just my own axe to grind: I love long hair - long hair for everyone!

(*face is tons more sensitive than legs.  Do your research - I'm rapidly falling in love with my safety razor and wet-shaving products.)

So, the benefit to seeing a therapist is mostly this part:

Even since then I've been battling on and off with some serious depression related to how I perceive myself – and not just self-esteem, but wishing that I was male.

...

But I have no way of knowing if these desires will last until next week or if I will go back to simply existing as this person who doesn't really care to put a label on it – in other words not having to pick one gender over the other, so definitely not embracing the whole female thing either. I'm having a hard time dealing with it this time around because all I want to do is chop off all my hair again even though I told myself to try and grow it back out, and buy masculine clothes, and hell, even tell someone about it.

You've got both gender-identity and anxiety all tangled up with each other.  Getting them smoothed out should do wonders for your happiness.  It's important to look at what other factors may be fueling your depressed mood - life transitions, changes in diet, pathological memories of stressful events, etc. etc.  It's quite common for gender dysphoria to cause anxiety and depression.  It's also possible, probably less likely, for anxiety to encompass gender identity.

Only way you can sort them out is to try things and see how they make you feel.  Question the feminizing habits you've been trained in, let your brows and body hair grow out, start noticing how women's clothes try really hard to preserve or create bust and waist lines and learn what your men's-size is.  Try wearing boxers, see what bras are recommended for gynecomastia, research binders.  Make yourself at home in a male-dominated hobby or two that you've always had interest in.  Etc., etc. - and it sounds like you're doing a lot of this already.  How does it make you feel?

A good question to ask the FtM forum would be "when did you realize 'tomboy' wasn't enough?"  You might reach that point, you might not.  Either way you're okay.

And drop by the androgyne forest too.  We have cookies.

[Devlyn]

Hi Adam, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston. You're going to meet lots of new friends here on the site. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Adam,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8745 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.


Janet  )O(

[Adamant]

Wow, thank you all for the words of encouragement. It's so nice to meet everyone!

I know I shouldn't feel pushed to put a label on it; and it's true, I agree. I do still wish that the answer was more clear cut than it has been. It's not so much wanting a clear label as it is just wanting to understand what the issue is here so I can move on with my life. Because at this point, I feel like I can't make any big decisions or move forward with anything else when this is looming over my head, but I need to learn to just go with it and see what happens, I guess.

It makes me feel really good to keep pushing my comfort level, though, so I think continuing to do that could be more informative than anything.

Talking to a therapist has definitely been in the running. If I could ask, for any of you who have talked about something like this with a therapist, do you look for a therapist who is primarily focused in LGTBQ+ issues? Or do you think it's better to seek out someone who is trained more for depression, anxiety, or self esteem? I'm not really sure where to start.

Thanks for letting me get all this out there. It's really encouraging to hear from you all.

Adam

[Jamie D]

Adam,

"Kind of in between" persons, "gender neutral" persons, and people who feel genderfluid (as you apparently do), all fall under the transgender umbrella.

This is a place of self-discovery.  Welcome 

[michelle_kelly]

Wow, thank you all for the words of encouragement. It's so nice to meet everyone!

I know I shouldn't feel pushed to put a label on it; and it's true, I agree. I do still wish that the answer was more clear cut than it has been. It's not so much wanting a clear label as it is just wanting to understand what the issue is here so I can move on with my life. Because at this point, I feel like I can't make any big decisions or move forward with anything else when this is looming over my head, but I need to learn to just go with it and see what happens, I guess.

Yes if there was understanding then you would know what to do and take action.  But as long as it confusing then what should you do is up in the air. Its like a problem that needs to be solved so you can go on.  But if you feel that you cannot go on then that is frustrating in itself and can keep you finding the understanding.  I would go on with what you feel comfortable doing without the understanding with the knowledge that you can correct what you doing as you understand better.

It makes me feel really good to keep pushing my comfort level, though, so I think continuing to do that could be more informative than anything.

I agree.  How would know that I really like or dislike or works for me unless I push myself like that.  A lot of things in my life that where not comfortable, I found that I actually was comfortable with them.  But I wouldn't know unless I at least tried it.

Talking to a therapist has definitely been in the running. If I could ask, for any of you who have talked about something like this with a therapist, do you look for a therapist who is primarily focused in LGTBQ+ issues? Or do you think it's better to seek out someone who is trained more for depression, anxiety, or self esteem? I'm not really sure where to start.

Thanks for letting me get all this out there. It's really encouraging to hear from you all.

Adam

Talking to a therapist has been something I started to think about again.  My thinking is that I would look for a therapist focused on LGTBQ+ issues since they understand better what we face and would be able to help me deal with the issues better since they understand where I coming from in that regard.  Based on my experience with therapy, I would be patient and not expect miracles at first.  You need to establish a level of trust with the therapist before you can really open up and talk about it.  So give it a few sessions before deciding if the therapist can help you or not.

Wishing you all the best on your journey to understanding

[Adamant]

Thank you both for the well wishes. (:

I'm definitely going to consider a gender therapist if this keeps on. It doesn't sound like a bad idea to see one.

[Dina DAngelo]

I think, and I hate to think, thinking sometimes gets me into trouble. You are at least considering things in your life and if nothing else you're learning more about yourself.

      Dina