Why can't you be yourself and Remain a man?

[RobinGee]

I actually love it.  In my transition fantasy, I'd lose a ton of weight before going on hrt,  with aa knocking down my t, and e's influence, my body would resemble a strong muscular woman's body.  I could live with that.

Except I need to stop obsessing and accept I will always be male

[JoanneB]

I think it's a "choice" in the sense that you can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable. Even if you can choose to be miserable, why would you want to?

Too black and white. At least IMO for us olde fogies. TBH, In my newly opened eyes, thanks to the efforts taken on to wrestle the trans beast, I have give about 70% of my male life as fairly good to amazing. Just as others have been trying to drill into my head. Zero self acceptance and zero self esteem had A LOT to do with me being blinded to it.

I grew up in a world where the basic philosophy was "Life sucks and then you die". So, as far as I am concerned I am kinda way ahead of the game here. I also know, all too painfully well, just how much joy, and happiness I feel being and presenting as the real me brings. Yet, to take a chance on chucking away a good portion of the 70% in the hope of having that extra 30% can come at a great cost, or none. (Full disclosure - I did try twice in my 20's to see if transitioning was right. That was a great time to. Just not the right time for me )

I know ignoring or otherwise not addressing me being TG (even a TS) has lead to some disasters. I also know so much of the real me is wrapped up in what I do for a living, as well as in my spare time. My wife is also a major part of my life. I know I spent a good 30 years turning into a miserable wretch. My life is far better, happier, even some joy in it now.

For me, the choice is "Can I be happier? Or, ruin a good thing?" No matter what there will be misery in my life in one form or another. I wish I can be commited to one path. I have no doubt when I finally reach that fork in the road I'll know which one. For now I try to enjoy the journey without worrying about the next turn comming up.

[RobinGee]

Is it bad that one of the reasons I want hormones is to stop mpb from ruining my hair

If I'm doing anything my thoughts are task oriented, but when I lose focus it's you want to feminized your body

Losing it

[KabitTarah]

Too black and white. At least IMO for us olde fogies. TBH, In my newly opened eyes, thanks to the efforts taken on to wrestle the trans beast, I have give about 70% of my male life as fairly good to amazing. Just as others have been trying to drill into my head. Zero self acceptance and zero self esteem had A LOT to do with me being blinded to it.

I grew up in a world where the basic philosophy was "Life sucks and then you die". So, as far as I am concerned I am kinda way ahead of the game here. I also know, all too painfully well, just how much joy, and happiness I feel being and presenting as the real me brings. Yet, to take a chance on chucking away a good portion of the 70% in the hope of having that extra 30% can come at a great cost, or none. (Full disclosure - I did try twice in my 20's to see if transitioning was right. That was a great time to. Just not the right time for me )

I know ignoring or otherwise not addressing me being TG (even a TS) has lead to some disasters. I also know so much of the real me is wrapped up in what I do for a living, as well as in my spare time. My wife is also a major part of my life. I know I spent a good 30 years turning into a miserable wretch. My life is far better, happier, even some joy in it now.

For me, the choice is "Can I be happier? Or, ruin a good thing?" No matter what there will be misery in my life in one form or another. I wish I can be commited to one path. I have no doubt when I finally reach that fork in the road I'll know which one. For now I try to enjoy the journey without worrying about the next turn comming up.

Yes, yes! Exactly.

Am I risking everything? Yes. I have a job, a house and home, a wife, and kids... all of which I love more than anything else. I was always taught "life isn't fair" which sounds pretty similar to the philosophy you were taught. You know what? Life and death are 100% fair; life is given to all of us and taken away at a moment's notice. Society and opportunity aren't equitable... but life is what you make of it.

Is it worth it? The answer will always be yes. I am more alive now and more myself now than I ever have been before. A lot of people in my family think I'm being selfish and hurting the kids. I say... if you have a medical problem it's only right to get it fixed. How can I give my children everything they need in life if I'm sick inside? How can I give them a loving parent when I cannot feel more than a muted sort of love? What about 10 years from now when I could have been taken from them early or develop severe complications due to uncontrollable diabetes (something I could see in my future)? What if I tried to keep it in and became alcoholic, or depressed, or acted out in a way to cause me to lose my job?

It is always the right decision to put your own health and well being before the desires of your family. "Need" always trumps "want" despite the turmoil our need clashing with society causes. My children (8, 4, 2) already accept me as female... yet my wife and family may never accept it. It is taboo in modern society and that societal negativity is what kept many of us closeted for so long. Is it my fault? No... sure, I wasn't strong enough to stand up to all of society as a young adult... just as I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself against my parents as a teen... but I've gained a lot of strength and have the capability to find my cure, such as it may be.

[JoanneB]

Yes, yes! Exactly.

Am I risking everything? Yes. I have a job, a house and home, a wife, and kids... all of which I love more than anything else. I was always taught "life isn't fair" which sounds pretty similar to the philosophy you were taught. You know what? Life and death are 100% fair; life is given to all of us and taken away at a moment's notice. Society and opportunity aren't equitable... but life is what you make of it.

Is it worth it? The answer will always be yes. I am more alive now and more myself now than I ever have been before. A lot of people in my family think I'm being selfish and hurting the kids. I say... if you have a medical problem it's only right to get it fixed. How can I give my children everything they need in life if I'm sick inside? How can I give them a loving parent when I cannot feel more than a muted sort of love? What about 10 years from now when I could have been taken from them early or develop severe complications due to uncontrollable diabetes (something I could see in my future)? What if I tried to keep it in and became alcoholic, or depressed, or acted out in a way to cause me to lose my job?

It is always the right decision to put your own health and well being before the desires of your family. "Need" always trumps "want" despite the turmoil our need clashing with society causes. My children (8, 4, 2) already accept me as female... yet my wife and family may never accept it. It is taboo in modern society and that societal negativity is what kept many of us closeted for so long. Is it my fault? No... sure, I wasn't strong enough to stand up to all of society as a young adult... just as I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself against my parents as a teen... but I've gained a lot of strength and have the capability to find my cure, such as it may be.

I know I am a work in progress.

I have often told others that I love and care very much for that how can YOU help all those you want to if you don't take of yourself?

One of these days I hope to truly grok it for myself. I am still in basic survival mode, seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, knowing it is not the 3 mile long coal train barreling down on my ass.

I never felt I deserve anything good. I lived a life as a faker, a fraud. Do I deserve the chance at additional happiness? Sure. Do I really deserve the consequences? You bet!

I got over a lot to most of the shame. Guilt still haunts me. In large part because I still let it. A partially invalid wife complicates things more. While she is supportive for exactly the reason above, never the less, this is not what she signed up for.

I know where my heart, my hopes, wishes, dreams and joy lie. More so than ever. It's the other 70%, the pure intellect, the logic, the WTF are you thinking!!!? part that has issues. The swing vote that leans one way yet can beat the rest back with a vengeance.

What I need, want, or deserve, is of no consequence for the greater good.

Guilt sucks!

[KabitTarah]

I know I am a work in progress.

I have often told others that I love and care very much for that how can YOU help all those you want to if you don't take of yourself?

One of these days I hope to truly grok it for myself. I am still in basic survival mode, seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, knowing it is not the 3 mile long coal train barreling down on my ass.

I never felt I deserve anything good. I lived a life as a faker, a fraud. Do I deserve the chance at additional happiness? Sure. Do I really deserve the consequences? You bet!

I got over a lot to most of the shame. Guilt still haunts me. In large part because I still let it. A partially invalid wife complicates things more. While she is supportive for exactly the reason above, never the less, this is not what she signed up for.

I know where my heart, my hopes, wishes, dreams and joy lie. More so than ever. It's the other 70%, the pure intellect, the logic, the WTF are you thinking!!!? part that has issues. The swing vote that leans one way yet can beat the rest back with a vengeance.

What I need, want, or deserve, is of no consequence for the greater good.

Guilt sucks!

The best we can do is live with
               ♥
...as much as we can muster.

[kelly_aus]

How can I be something and someone I never was?

[RobinGee]

Dear -----,

This is the letter I can never send.

I can't send this, because this is the type of thing that said in a letter is even worse, and the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you.

I didn't ask to be in this situation.  I didn't make it up to get attention.  I'm in real crisis here.  You are in crisis too, and I need to understand that myself.

I have been feeling a strong desire to feminize my body and live as a woman.  This feeling has been developing over the past year or so, and has been getting worse.  I know this is upsetting to you so even when I've talked about this to you, I've lied.  The urge I feel is to become as much of a woman as I can, barring genital surgery.

I'm not currently sure why.  Is it true gender dysphoria?  Is it some kind of sick subconscious Munchausen kinda thing?  Is it psychological hypochondria?  Is it that I am a weak-willed idiot who has let the online transgendered take advantage of me to fulfill their political agenda?  Magical thinking of completely reinventing myself?  Male inferiority complex / social awkwardness filtered through depression?  Social anxiety and loneliness finding communities that will automatically reinforce you if you speak the shibboleth?

I don't know.  You want to know what is going to happen, I can't tell you.

I know that I currently have recurring thoughts of wanting my body to be feminine, and this are causing me a lot of distress.  Like brief suicidial impluses, brief urges to to random violence.  Obsessively thinking about it when I am not actively engaged in something.

I've tried to talk to you about this, and it practical terms, you know all you need to.  You said you don't care what's in my head, just what I do.

I'm not about to do anything drastic.  I'm going to try to calm down, and find a new therapist I'll be more comfortable talking to about this.  I just want to keep you informed.  You already know most of this, but I needed to say this for me,

[JordanBlue]

Our loved ones don't need to understand why we are the way we are. They only need to understand that it's real, it's not going to go away and it will eventually eat us alive. They don't have to like it. They just have to accept that reality sucks sometimes; but we do the best we can, and we stick with the people we love through the hardest of times.

Jillian:
I think you nailed it.  It's almost impossible for our loved ones to comprehend exactly what we're dealing with deep inside us. 

That "image" in your head says a lot about you Particle and may be the core of your identity concerns.  One thing I am learning with my transition is that I really do not know when and how this will turn out.  For me the biggest change came with self acceptance. 

Tessa:
I agree 100%.  For me, self acceptance is a major major thing.  I know who I am in my heart and my mind, but yet, a small part of me is saying - "WTF are you thinking?".  That's the part that backs me into the dark corner and puts me in self destruct mode. That's the part that I'm fighting against now.  This is the after effect of 50 years of denial.  It's not as simple as just flipping a light switch and un-doing all of that denial.   I just discussed this with my GT yesterday.  I'm working very hard at trying to stay positive because I was possibly the world's most negative person.  Change is a process.  I'm going to be ok.   

[RobinGee]

Loathe(self);

[genderhell]

I have been feeling a strong desire to feminize my body and live as a woman.  This feeling has been developing over the past year or so, and has been getting worse.  I know this is upsetting to you so even when I've talked about this to you, I've lied.  The urge I feel is to become as much of a woman as I can, barring genital surgery.

Thanks.

It was bothering me that no one challenged you on why you can't "remain a man" per the title.

A year ago you started having intense feelings to be a woman, and never before you had these feelings ? Did something happen a year ago?

If I read that letter, well I did, I would be critical too. Out of the blue you start having these thoughts of wanting to be a woman?

[Paige]

Dear -----,
I'm not about to do anything drastic.  I'm going to try to calm down, and find a new therapist I'll be more comfortable talking to about this.  I just want to keep you informed. 

I like your letter Particle, I could almost give the same one to my wife.  If you can never send it, perhaps it would be easier to send her the last paragraph as a start?

[RobinGee]

A year ago you started having intense feelings to be a woman, and never before you had these feelings ?

This letter omits some background.

I've have a strong fetish for thinking of myself as a woman.   I have since I was a teenager.  I've dabbled on cross dressing, and considered transitioning when I was like 19.  I fell in love and got married instead.  She knows about the cross dressing

[RobinGee]

perhaps it would be easier to send her the last paragraph as a start?

That's where our horrible argconverumentsation ended.

[RobinGee]

Did something happen a year ago?

Well, it was about six months into a strength training program where I grew visibl traps and deltoid for the first time in my wife.   I also went into a massive depression, got arrested...