is it important to tell a person youbeen dating awhile your birth gender

[JennX]

A strong and resounding: No from me.

I never told unless there was a chance of a LTR and only after 3-4 dates pre-op... and now post-op, definitely not. Maybe if marriage comes in to the equation, then I'll cross that bridge.

[Doctorwho?]

Well I'm 30 years downstream from SRS, and despite being partially anatomically male at the time, I grew up as mostly female thanks to parents so far ahead of their time they were almost in the next galaxy!!!

So obligation to tell? NOPE!

Would I? YEP!

When? Quite early on actually and well before we move beyond casual friendship.

Why? Because I want to test their reaction to find out whether they are worthy of my affections or even interest. If they react badly I'm going to eject them from my life so forcefully they are going to wonder what the  heck just hit them. If they react with a reasonable or questioning response THEN and only then do we have anything worth wasting my time on. So I don't worry about them rejecting me, but they sure as heck better worry that I won't reject them.

Basically I'm almost arrogant enough to think that rare people like us are special and superior and we don't want to be wasting our time on a boring "norm" who isn't worthy of it! (oh and please note the wink!)

So does this mean I am fully out and open? NOPE!

Explain...? Well at work or in casual social situations I don't see the need to tell anyone about something which happened so long ago that most of them weren't even born.  The only exception I make to this is if I think that telling someone will serve a useful purpose, such as for example enabling me to educate my fellow medical students about how to react to something like that - and of course to show that that with some of us, and contrary to popular belief, there simply are no tell tale signs...

But your signature says you identify as CIS - how does that work? Well I didn't experience gender dysphoria, I was intersex, I didn't have much difficulty getting my treatment and after this long I certainly don't have any issues - I also tend to assume most cis privileges, so its not a perfect fit, but then nor are any of the available labels and cis happens to be the closest I can find. Also it is a tenet of this site that people have the right to self identify as they wish.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Well I'm 30 years downstream from SRS, and despite being partially anatomically male, I grew up as mostly female thanks to parents so far ahead of their time they were almost in the next galaxy!!!

So obligation to tell? NOPE!

Would I? YEP!

When? Quite early on actually and well before we move beyond casual friendship.

Why? Because I want to test their reaction to find out whether they are worthy of my affections or even interest. If they react badly I'm going to eject them from my life so forcefully they are going to wonder what the  heck just hit them. If they react with a reasonable or questioning response THEN and only then do we have anything worth wasting my time on. So I don't worry about them rejecting me, but they sure as heck better worry that I won't reject them.

Basically I'm almost arrogant enough to think that rare people like us are special and superior and we don't want to be wasting our time on a boring "norm" who isn't worthy of it! (oh and please note the wink!)

So does this mean I am fully out and open? NOPE!

Explain...? Well at work or in casual social situations I don't see the need to tell anyone about something which happened so long ago that most of them weren't even born.  The only exception I make to this is if I think that telling someone will serve a useful purpose, such as for example enabling me to educate my fellow medical students about how to react to something like that - and of course to show that that with some of us, and contrary to popular belief, there simply are no tell tale signs...

But your signature says you identify as CIS - how does that work? Well I didn't experience gender dysphoria, I was intersex, I didn't have much difficulty getting my treatment and after this long I certainly don't have any issues - I also tend to assume most cis privileges, so its not a perfect fit, but then nor are any of the available labels and cis happens to be the closest I can find. Also it is a tenet of this site that people have the right to self identify as they wish.

While I am not intersex, much of what Doctorwho says I agree with.  Tell - yes.  Obligated - No.  When - if it may become more than just casual.

[evecrook]

doctor who is an inspiration for me on this site.

[Joanna Dark]

No. And quite honestly my BF hates when I talk about hormones and whatnot. Personally, I think all the coming out talk and disclosing and such is quite unhelpful for someone early in transition or early in a relationship.

[Doctorwho?]

Yes, the perspective does change a lot when you are long term post everything... In the early days (pre surgery) I don't think I could have even considered having a relationship, so the issue simply wouldn't have arisen.

One final footnote worth adding is that since adopting this uncompromising stance I have never really had any lack of suitors or indeed encountered negative reactions, only one man has ever been rejected, and being up front saved me wasting my time on a him.

[Jean24]

No you're obligated to do what you feel is right.

I feel it's right for me to never divulge and I'm going to run the risk unless they directly ask. If they do I will probably break it off or lie depending on the type of relationship. Once I fully transition I will be largely what I was supposed to be. I'm not transitioning to be thought of by my other half in a relationship as "My wife/girlfriend (who used to be a boy)" I don't want that hanging around my neck like a neon sign every time that person thinks of me or sees me. Life's tough. I didn't get to chose my gender nor was I blessed enough to be comfortable with it, and I was forced to tangle with being trans in the closet for twenty freaking years while the shame, guilt, and a lack of any information had me feeling like **** while all of my family, friends, and peers wondering why I was so strange. Life's tough for other people too though, like when closeted transphobes find out they have been married to a transsexual for a few decades. They didn't ask, I didn't tell and I will cross that bridge IF I even come to it. I'm tired of being male and I think I've suffered through enough without having to be seen as the token transsexual in my life by other people. That's just how I feel and you have to do what you feel is right.

[Tristan]

yeah we cant tell each other what we should tell or not. but remember little black book. omission is betrayal. i dont see it that way but i know alot of people do.

[Just Shelly]

I'm going to make a wild stab in the dark and suggest that you probably haven't been in that situation?

Most people have a handful of things in their life that they don't tell many people. I was the only person to carry a particular secret for my sis, until she decided to tell her partner. When she told him, after 5 years together, he wasn't mad at her for keeping it, he was grateful to be trusted. Because he's a really good guy... which is why my sister felt safe enough with him to tell him.

Very few people know that I tried to off myself. And that's not something I'd share readily in a new relationship. It wouldn't feel safe. And if a partner after 6 months or a year or however long I waited to tell them felt betrayed by my silence, then they wouldn't be the right person for me. Part of being in a relationship is respecting your partner's privacy until they learn to trust you.

I have a couple stories from my childhood that I don't even feel comfortable posting anonymously on here. And which nobody knows the full details of, and maybe never will. That's just how I am. I don't trust people easily and I don't form close relationships easily.

I think what's most glaring about a lot of the folks posting here is that they suggest only two forms of relationship: intimate-long-term and one-night-stand. There is a lot more out there. There are all kinds of casual and temporary relationships, and sometimes they evolve into something more and sometimes they don't. I mean, if someone came at me like, "I want a long term relationship and kids and you should tell me all your secrets and trust me 100% after 3 months together," I'd be like "go away you crazy person."

I am what I am. I am my eyes and lips and smile and charm and tits and ass. If someone wants to hook up with me, what they get is what they see. My history? That's the business of people I love. Same thing for them.

I don't feel like that's even a lie of omission. It's just not part of a sexual transaction like that. STIs and sexual preferences and boundaries are basically all you have a right to know in that situation. I mean, it would make my skin crawl if I accidentally slept with someone who had voted for Harper, but if I don't ask, that's my problem, not theirs.

My thinking has always been similar to what Road to Trista's is....BUT I struggle with feeling this way...at one hand I feel like I am really deceiving someone...on the other hand take sex out of the picture and what am I deceiving someone about. If I am going to feel like I am deceiving someone because I do not tell them from the first meeting or even the third meeting...then I must be deceiving everyone I meet.

I struggled with this early on in my transition with almost everyone I had contact with...men and women...even now at times when I am accepted in certain discussions between only women...I feel a little like I am deceiving them. But how am I deceiving them, I am a woman like any other unless you have some sort of special vision that would enable you too see what I have between my legs.

I currently struggle very much with whether I am deceiving someone or am just trying to live my life like any other WOMAN. Am I suppose to refuse friendship with a man because I am not an "actual" women WTF.

I have been on a couple of dates with a man I am very attracted to emotionally and physically. There has been some affection...but of course no sex. I never intended on being affectionate with him...it just happened. We have been in communication very much and I have tried numerous times to end things but was unable to do that...I then tried to tell him without actually saying "hey I was born a man" he knows very much about me and at one time through him researching more about me.... I thought he found out so I continued with the relationship only to find out he didn't know.

I have since become very fond of him and am attracted to him vey much emotionally and physically. I want to tell him so bad but not sure how to do this!! Yes I have deceived him to the fact I have something a woman cannot have....but in no way have I deceived him about who I am....I am woman!! that's that!!!

[evecrook]

one possibility is that he does know and letting you be you. of course  then again maybe he doesn't know. I think I'd try searching him out with hypothetical questions and see where he's coming from

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

People in the UK should be aware that it is against the law not to disclose to *any* sexual partner and can and has led to at least one person I know of, being prosecuted and sentenced.

[Just Shelly]

trust me he doesn't know!! I thought he found out and was a bit relieved to feel things hadn't changed....but found out rather soon this was not the case. I have tried to just end things rather than tell him....it would be easier for me, but I know this would hurt him too much. He is a very very nice man...decent job(s) good father, good morals, and treats me with respect.

The other thing is....I really do enjoy his company....he has been alone for a long time, and so have I. He has made me feel very good about myself for the first time in a long time.

[Just Shelly]

People in the UK should be aware that it is against the law not to disclose to *any* sexual partner and can and has led to at least one person I know of, being prosecuted and sentenced.

So we are suppose to assume that if meeting someone they will become our sexual partner....and if you are referring to post op then this is even more absurd!!

and...if they are already a sexual partner then I assume they would already know!!

Am I missing something

[Magnolia88]

No you're obligated to do what you feel is right.

I feel it's right for me to never divulge and I'm going to run the risk unless they directly ask. If they do I will probably break it off or lie depending on the type of relationship. Once I fully transition I will be largely what I was supposed to be. I'm not transitioning to be thought of by my other half in a relationship as "My wife/girlfriend (who used to be a boy)" I don't want that hanging around my neck like a neon sign every time that person thinks of me or sees me. Life's tough. I didn't get to chose my gender nor was I blessed enough to be comfortable with it, and I was forced to tangle with being trans in the closet for twenty freaking years while the shame, guilt, and a lack of any information had me feeling like **** while all of my family, friends, and peers wondering why I was so strange. Life's tough for other people too though, like when closeted transphobes find out they have been married to a transsexual for a few decades. They didn't ask, I didn't tell and I will cross that bridge IF I even come to it. I'm tired of being male and I think I've suffered through enough without having to be seen as the token transsexual in my life by other people. That's just how I feel and you have to do what you feel is right.

This is what I'm worried about, that it will change their view of me and instead of being the beautiful woman he fell in love with, he'll see me as trans. Of course not that being trans is a bad thing, but I want my man to see me as a woman since that's who I am and I know it can be hard for people who don't understand to wrap their head around. He may still love me and want to be with me, but the way he looks at me will be different and I don't want that. Still, I don't see how it's possible to spend your life with someone and they never find out you were born the opposite gender. If I was  developing strong feelings for a guy and felt like I could trust them not to tell anyone, I think i would definitely tell them. Otherwise, for casual hookups or deciding after a few dates that it's not gonna work out, I probably wouldn't tell.

[suzifrommd]

OK, I'm going to get myself into trouble and join the conversation.

I'm putting myself on the other side.

I imagine I'm a guy. I'm dating my precious girlfriend for a few months. I go to meet her parents (or kids. Or cousins. Or some family or old friends that means something to her.)

We have a lovely time, but there are some peculiar things I don't understand. They seem reluctant to talk about her past. Occasionally I see her shoot them a look that says "don't talk about that." I'm wondering why the subject of what my girlfriend was like as a kid is avoided.

Then one of them slips up. Uses the wrong pronoun or talks about what a cute boy she was when she was young. I put two and two together.

And I wonder how many other people know, and why she didn't trust me enough to tell me. How do you imagine I'd feel about all that?

[evecrook]

                                                                             just shelly                          I don't no you got a tough problem. You could just take it day by day or  just take that big step and be honest. the worst that will happen since you say he's a decent person is that he'll say good bye.

[Tristan]

OK, I'm going to get myself into trouble and join the conversation.

I'm putting myself on the other side.

I imagine I'm a guy. I'm dating my precious girlfriend for a few months. I go to meet her parents (or kids. Or cousins. Or some family or old friends that means something to her.)

We have a lovely time, but there are some peculiar things I don't understand. They seem reluctant to talk about her past. Occasionally I see her shoot them a look that says "don't talk about that." I'm wondering why the subject of what my girlfriend was like as a kid is avoided.

Then one of them slips up. Uses the wrong pronoun or talks about what a cute boy she was when she was young. I put two and two together.

And I wonder how many other people know, and why she didn't trust me enough to tell me. How do you imagine I'd feel about all that?

idk? maybe i feel differently about this because i went to high school and college as female so i saw the end result of girls lying to their parents/ boyfriends and friends and the results of doing so.from what i have seen (and taken part in having such a slutty past)people like to know about the person they love or like alot. guys hate lies and games. and nope im not saying im perfect i have lied to many guys about many things and gotten caught from time to time myself.

[Just Shelly]

OK, I'm going to get myself into trouble and join the conversation.

I'm putting myself on the other side.

I imagine I'm a guy. I'm dating my precious girlfriend for a few months. I go to meet her parents (or kids. Or cousins. Or some family or old friends that means something to her.)

We have a lovely time, but there are some peculiar things I don't understand. They seem reluctant to talk about her past. Occasionally I see her shoot them a look that says "don't talk about that." I'm wondering why the subject of what my girlfriend was like as a kid is avoided.

Then one of them slips up. Uses the wrong pronoun or talks about what a cute boy she was when she was young. I put two and two together.

And I wonder how many other people know, and why she didn't trust me enough to tell me. How do you imagine I'd feel about all that?

Well you don't know me...and that's understandable...but believe it or not I am a very honest and trustworthy person....but how can I honestly say this with what I am doing

I constantly put myself in the other persons shoes always!! and this is why I hate myself for doing what I am doing!!

I would never have it get to the point of me meeting his son or other people...and definitely not sleeping over and such...it is at the point of a girl getting to know a boy....just normal life....but apparently not!! that's what SUCKS!!!

[BunnyBee]

Obligation?  No.  Should you?  Eh, maybe.  There are lots of reasons why it is probably a good idea to disclose when the time is right.  I don't personally see myself being long term with any guy and not telling them, but that is just me.  I wouldn't judge anybody else for doing differently.  There are many reasons why it might be a bad idea or completely unnecessary after all.

[Heather]

I thought I would just add one more point, I've heard far too many straight guys in my life say if they were ever tricked by a trans woman they would kill them that I know better than to push my luck with a man. Trying to be totally stealth is not worth losing my life over, I have no attention of having my name added to a list of trans women who have been murdered because some man found out about their birth status.
Btw I'm not advocating whether someone should be obligated to tell or not, I'm just saying for me I'm not willing to take that big of a gamble with my life and would rather spend the rest of my life alone than worrying whether or not my husband going to find out and divorce me or do something worse to me.