How to accept reality

[FrancisAnn]

Looking in the mirrow after not shaving for a couple of days is sure one way to accept reality, damn. Back to electrolysis next week, full speed.

[RobinGee]

This whole "woman thing" that I could ignore, deny and suppress my whole life suddenly snowballed on me.  I did not want to transition at all initially.  I hoped that I could maybe hit some kind of release valve occasionally and carry on as if nothing happened.
...
My therapist saw right through me and knew I was a classic late-onset transsexual from the start, whether I accepted it or not at the time. ...  I hoped on some level that it would just make me feel worse and that I could put this issue to rest once and for all.  I really didn't want to have to be a transsexual!

Jill, your posts kinda drive me crazy because the early parts of them sound exactly like how I feel right now.  I feel insanely conflicted about that.

[JenSquid]

Sometimes the difficulty isn't merely accepting reality, but even figuring out what that reality is. Am I really what I think I am? If I was wrong before, might I be wrong now? This all takes time to work out.

[Mogu]

Sometimes the difficulty isn't merely accepting reality, but even figuring out what that reality is. Am I really what I think I am? If I was wrong before, might I be wrong now? This all takes time to work out.

Worrying that I've deceived myself through some mental acrobatics is a rather large fear of mine. It is what kept me off transitioning for a number of years, fear that I was lying to myself through some backwards logic.

[Phoenix Grey]

Jen, Mogu - I'm really feeling your last comments.  I'm just beginning to actively contemplate my gender (in fact, this is my first post), so I'm in a position of wondering how much of it is "mental acrobatics" in order to fit in with the crowd, and how much of it is my true reality.

I met a young transman a few years ago, which started my transgendered journey.  The moment we met, a light went on.  I had no idea someone could successfully change genders.  It was something that I dreamed about, constantly wished, when I was a child - that I would miraculously wake up as a boy.  When puberty hit in middle school I resigned myself to the "reality" of my natal gender.  I spent the next 20 years dealing with major depression and my sexual orientation, finding some solace in the gay community at least - my gender took a back seat.  As a lesbian, I've at least been able to wear men's clothing, not shave, and crossdress without people asking too many questions.  Now, for some reason, the subject of my gender has decided to plant itself firmly in my mind.

I'm not feeling the life or death thing, and I don't think that things *need* to get to that point before addressing them.  It certainly is that way for many of us, but I don't think it should have to go that far. I've been depressed and suicidal more times than I'd like to admit, but never knowingly in relation to my gender dysphoria.  But I'm starting to explore that my depression could, indeed, be a result of that.  And I can see, perhaps, when I finally get down to the nitty-gritty of dealing with my gender issues, that I could suddenly feel like it's do or die.

I'm having difficulty accepting reality because I often feel like an imposter.  I've spent 30+ years accepting my biological gender, but I know that its never been and never will be what I'm comfortable with.  On the other hand, however, having spent so many years as a woman I'm not sure how comfortable I would be as a man.  The dichotomy is too restricting.  I would be happy somewhere in-between, but when society demands one or the other its hard to choose.  And, to be honest, some of my hesitation at embracing full manhood has to do with my partner... Its get very complicated.

I am learning to accept reality one day at a time.  Joining the forum was the first step.  Here, I can talk about my feelings without fear of being shunted off to the "freak" zone.  I don't have to be transsexual to fit in.  I can simply express my alternative gender feelings in the safety of this family.  My next step is to find a therapist (not sure how easy that will be with Kaiser Permanente...) so I have a professional on my side, helping me sort out what is rubbish and what isn't.

I try to play with visualization.  I imagine my life exactly how I want it to be, regardless of the opinions of others or fear of rejection.  I try things on in my mind and see what feels good.  I've recently found something that feels good, so I've come up with a plan to move towards that reality.  As anxious and excited as I am to start making things happen, I realize that it is, and should be, a slow process.  One day at a time.

Oh, and I realize that this post may seem a bit more like an introduction (Hello!), but I hope it can stay here and lend to the discussion of reality... Just sayin'.  Lol! 

~Phoenix

[RobinGee]

Reality Choices
1)
My feeling that I want to be a woman is real and reflects my true self.  This likely explains much of my emotional problems, and somewhere between here and genital surgery I might be able to feel good.

2)
I am a depressed, weak, lazy man who is unable to fix his life, and I'm doing mental acrobatics to become someone else will fix it.  If course even if I get the therapist to think I have GID, I'll not transition, blame it on my wife and use as my internal excuse for the rest of my lifel

[Phoenix Grey]

Oh Particle! I think you summed up what I was *trying* to say in a tenth of the space I failed to do it in... LOL!! Thanks friend! 

I'm right there with you... I think I'm mostly #2, but when motivated I'm closer to #1.

I sometimes fear that I'm trying to make my reality fit the mold of a trans* in order to explain my feelings and become more comfortable.  Because the reality of being somewhere in-between doesn't sound any less distressful, or any more comfortable (when I imagine presenting my in-between self in public) than the discomfort I have in my current biological body.  That is to say, I sometimes think it would be *most* comfortable to pass as a male (even though I would not fully feel male), than to be seen as a woman or try to explain myself as something in between.

I'll stop rambling now -- more coffee anyone?

~Phoenix

[Ashey]

I think that if you have a recurring desire to be the opposite sex, you're probably trans*. Cissies don't feel that way.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

...Cissies don't feel that way.

OT: well I'm not sure if I'm in much of a position to talk because I'm just setting out on this journey myself... well, I say that.. really this storm has been building since I was a kid, so I suppose you could say I've been on this journey for nearly 28 years and the recent "coming out to myself" is just another phase of it

So with that in mind - yeh, I can already relate to the thoughts of "is this *REALLY* who I am?  If I've been wrong once then what's to say I can't be wrong again?" and "..am I just making the facts fit?".  I'm quite a cautious girl by nature, and I don't like making mistakes (notice I avoided the obvious joke there! ).  Especially so when a mistake would likely wreck the rest of my life.

--The Question--
So the question for me has been along the lines of "am I really an actual *GIRL*, or am I just a guy who has a strong feminine side?  Is this all even just some delusion to escape from something else that isn't working in my life?".

--Historical Evidence--
Well, first of all, I remind myself of my past actions / thoughts.  I've got a *HUGE* list going back to when I was a kid of things I've done, fantasies I've had (sexual and non-sexual), interests I've had etc that have been distinctly feminine in nature.  The list is actually quite massive, which is a sure-fire indication right from the start.  In addition to the sheer size of the list though, there's something else quite important - every time I've acted like a girl instead of a guy, every opportunity I've found to express my femininity, every interest I've had that "a guy shouldn't have", I've found to be both easy / natural, and also actively enjoyable (although embarrassing and shameful because society says "it's forbidden").

In contrast, the list also includes (for objectivity) all the things I've done / actions / thoughts etc that have been notably male or neutral in nature.  This list is distinctively shorter, and again the most telling thing is that when I look at them, I realise that a good 75% of those things were me just "going along for the ride" because it was expected of my by friends / family / society, and I felt I had to show my manliness - in appose to being something that I actually *WANTED* to do.

--The Killer--
That's pretty strong supporting evidence just by itself, but the real killer piece came when I turned my attention to my sexual fantasies.  Fair warning - what I'm about to say is a bit crude and personal lol

So a few weeks back, I was reading This Article to try and help me answer these questions I was having over whether I really was a trans* girl or just a feminine guy.  Many things throughout were highly relatable, but one thing in particular stood out to me.  It was this bit:

...Then, after puberty, one's feelings upon being sexually aroused, and whether those deep urges are male (mounting urges) or female (urges of being manipulated and penetrated).

I thought to myself "well, if there's one thing that truly defines someone being a guy or a girl, then this would logically be it", and naturally I started to consider both my fantasies and my actual sexual experiences with women over the years.

When I started thinking about it, I realised how "weird" my fantasies have actually been.  I'm never actually the one having sex (!!).. in fact I'm not even in the fantasy at all.  Instead it always revolves around some woman I've taken a fancy to having sex with some often faceless male figure (or at least - someone with a man-sausage, not necessarily male! ).  My focus is always on what *SHE'S* experiencing and feeling.

It's been a similar story for me even in the real world - whenever I'm actually having sex, it always kills the mood as soon as I start thinking about what *I'M* doing.  I've only ever managed to .. erm .. well: "you know" .. when I've focused on what *SHE'S* experiencing and feeling.  On a side note and with almost bitter irony: this (so I've been told at least) actually makes me pretty damn good in the bedroom department!

*AHEM* so anyway, after reading this idea and considering how I seemingly relate to it, that night I decided to do an experiment.  Rather than the usual tried-and-trusted fantasies, I decided to see what would happen if I imagined myself as a post-op trans* girl (I told you this was going to get a bit personal lol), and see where things lead.  So I got comfy, got myself fired up, and I let the full female me 100% loose for the first time..

..And OH.MY.GOD, did my brain ever go into full-on meltdown!

Seriously, there aren't even words in the English language to describe the feeling of it.  I've *NEVER* felt *ANYTHING* even *REMOTELY CLOSE* to that before!   Even recounting it now makes me feel kinda giddy inside   My head was spinning (in a good way!), I could bearly walk (I guess I used muscles in my legs I don't normally use lol), and I followed it all up with the best night's sleep I've had in literally *YEARS*!

Looking back over the girly stuff I've done over the years, there's many things that I really don't understand how on earth I managed to write them off, but still I managed to even to myself *SOMEHOW*.  The morning after this I woke up, remembered the night before, and my immediate thought was "ok yeh, it's not really within the realms of physical possibility to simply write *THAT ONE* off!"   I then threw my clothes on, gave myself a cheeky girly smile in the mirror, and phased into guy-mode as I came down the stairs to greet my folks.  They both remarked at various points throughout the day at what a good mood I was in

--Conclusion--
So er, yeh!   After that experience I don't think there's any way I can lie to myself anymore.  Any time those doubts have started to creep in again over the past couple of weeks, I just wait until the evening and remind myself just how girly I really am!

--One final note--
I'm sorry that yet another one of my posts has become a 10,000 word dissertation!   I think I'm starting to get a reputation for it now! <333

[Phoenix Grey]

When I started thinking about it, I realised how "weird" my fantasies have actually been.  I'm never actually the one having sex (!!).. in fact I'm not even in the fantasy at all.  Instead it always revolves around some woman I've taken a fancy to having sex with some often faceless male figure (or at least - someone with a man-sausage, not necessarily male! ).  My focus is always on what *SHE'S* experiencing and feeling.

It's been a similar story for me even in the real world - whenever I'm actually having sex, it always kills the mood as soon as I start thinking about what *I'M* doing.  I've only ever managed to .. erm .. well: "you know" .. when I've focused on what *SHE'S* experiencing and feeling.  On a side note and with almost bitter irony: this (so I've been told at least) actually makes me pretty damn good in the bedroom department!

I have no idea how to quote things properly, so if that didn't work I apologize... I'm new to this forum thing.

I can completely relate to this.  I am rarely a player in my own sexual fantasies, and my focus is almost exclusively on what the "man" feels (most of my fantasy players are utterly faceless).  At first, I thought it was just curiosity (I've never had sex with a man) and some odd sense of attraction/concern for what my role might be in pleasing a man.  But many sex dreams, porn, fantasies, etc. later I realized that my focus on the man is mostly due to my desire to feel what he is feeling as if it were me.  Sometimes my biological nature get the better of me and I imagine... other... things happening, but hey, its just sex... Its difficult to make an internal orgasm feel external, and vice versa...

Anyway, I think that its a totally valid way of reinforcing and accepting the girly feelings you have, and a wonderfully fulfilling way to experience what its like to be a girl without anyone being the wiser!   

~Phoenix

[RobinGee]

I'm wary of using past history to confirm my feelings.  Human beings will automatically select and alter memories to fit into narratives, which then get reinforced by memory.