How to accept reality

[Katelyn]

It's so easy for many of us who are transgender but haven't transitioned to second guess ourselves, think that this is just some fantasy, or to think that we just haven't tried hard enough to be like everyone else in our assigned gender.  No wonder why, when we see so many consequences of our actions, including possibly losing loved ones.  But it's very unhealthy, both mentally and even physically via stress, to continue denying ourselves or continuing to compromise ourselves.

How do we accept reality, that we are transgender, not like everyone else, and that we can't pretend anymore to be like everyone else (cisgendered) and that we are going to have to risk losing our loved ones (or for some, employment and social acceptance / social position even) in order to be ourselves?

[FrancisAnn]

I'll never accept reality!

[KarynMcD]

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." -- Adam Savage, Mythbusters

[Jill F]

Slowly is the short answer.  Here's the long one: 

For me it was a process, a personal evolution.  I started out with major depression and anxiety that came in waves a little over a year ago.   Some days I could function, some days not.  This whole "woman thing" that I could ignore, deny and suppress my whole life suddenly snowballed on me.  I did not want to transition at all initially.  I hoped that I could maybe hit some kind of release valve occasionally and carry on as if nothing happened.  Nobody but my wife and therapist would know, and I could just get by on lexapro and valium or something and just be a bit more androgynous or bigender.   Well, that was plan 'A'...

My therapist saw right through me and knew I was a classic late-onset transsexual from the start, whether I accepted it or not at the time.  She told me that I needed to go on estrogen right away, and if it made things better like she suspected, it would be further proof of my condition.  I reluctantly went to the endo, told him I wanted a low dose of HRT and that I was not transititioning.  I hoped on some level that it would just make me feel worse and that I could put this issue to rest once and for all.  I really didn't want to have to be a transsexual!

Two hours after I took the first dose, the noises in my head stopped and my brain "unclenched" itself naturally for the first time in years.  It felt wonderful and I wanted more of the same.  I could never not take estrogen now, that was for sure.  My therapist saw a marked difference in me, told me I was going to be fine and said she didn't think she would need to see me again if I was going to be happy with my new duality.  She did leave me with a parting question that I will never forget- "Why would you not just want to be Jill 24/7?"  The fact was that I couldn't think of a reason why not.  I presented male at times because I wasn't exactly passing at the time, and I wasn't ready for those awkward moments of coming out to the world.  I was simply playing it safe by acting the way I thought I was expected to. 

Two trips to the laser and 5 weeks later, I stepped out the door as Jill and spent the whole weekend in San Diego.  It was a bit rocky, but I survived the pointing, snickering and death stares.  I needed to work on my demeanor and appearance some more if I was going to transition fully.  I spent the month working on it, and began to realize that transitioning was probably the only way to go.   Guy clothes made me feel crappy about myself anyway, and I stopped wearing them altogether. At this time I finally ran out of sh*ts to give about what other people thought, which was liberating.  I made a trip to Las Vegas a month after San Diego and left the all the boy clothes at home.  After that third laser session, a total of 9 weeks on a low dose of E and working hard on my voice and demeanor, I felt I was passing 99% of the time.  It was wonderful being treated by the world as any other woman and I was really getting comfortable in my own skin.  It was then that I made the decision to make it all permanent.  I devised a plan to come out to the world over the next three weeks, purged my male wardrobe and never looked back.

[IMsteph]

Jill,

This is a great story. Thanks for sharing. You've made me feel much better about my own path. I was feeling a little anxious earlier today, but you helped me turn it around.

[Ashey]

Usually it's until you have no other option.  How many times have you heard "it was either that or die"

Agreed. That's how it was for me. I knew I wanted to be a girl when I was a kid, but bottled it up as a teen. When it all came out at 20 I knew I couldn't ever put it back in the bottle. And if I didn't do something about it, I'd probably die young.

[JordanBlue]

Slowly is the short answer.  Here's the long one: 

For me it was a process, a personal evolution.  I started out with major depression and anxiety that came in waves a little over a year ago.   Some days I could function, some days not.  This whole "woman thing" that I could ignore, deny and suppress my whole life suddenly snowballed on me.  I did not want to transition at all initially.  I hoped that I could maybe hit some kind of release valve occasionally and carry on as if nothing happened.  Nobody but my wife and therapist would know, and I could just get by on lexapro and valium or something and just be a bit more androgynous or bigender.   Well, that was plan 'A'...

Again, Jill has described my personal experience just about exactly.  The only difference being that had major depression for years prior.  One day I also "Hit The Wall".  The neon sign in my brain was glowing brightly, "Game Over".  I knew I had to deal with this or my life would soon be over.  I'm seeing a GT and will probably be on HRT after another 2 sessions.  How to accept reality?
I wish I knew a good answer for you. One day at a time is working for me.  Sure, it takes awhile to wrap your mind around all of this, but that's only to be expected. My gosh, I was in denial for 50 years.  This is transition thing is all new territory for me. At least I feel some peace knowing I'm not insane and there is a name for this "gender dysphoria". I'm going to be OK.  Ya know?   

[peky]

Reality is what you have between your ears and not between your legs....

[Rachel]

This is hard to accept, I know because my therapist told me this every week for about 9 months. I finally realized she is correct. Work on todays issues today and tomorrows issues tomorrow.

I needed HRT but would obsess on having breast and being on the beach (one example). Just like the Doctor said originally and my therapist said, I will work it out next year. Well, good news is my breasts will be very nice and I will decide what I will do next year. There are lots of options and I will pick one.

I know that sounds simple but it took me 9 months to accept the reality. If I want to go to the beach pick an option and go to the beach. I will be 1.25 years on HRT and in an awkward period of appearance. Taking my shirt off on the beach was a huge deal prior to HRT. Now, I think I am gaining coping abilities, my identity, and it will be ok and better than before HRT.

[FrancisAnn]

This is hard to accept, I know because my therapist told me this every week for about 9 months. I finally realized she is correct. Work on todays issues today and tomorrows issues tomorrow.

I needed HRT but would obsess on having breast and being on the beach (one example). Just like the Doctor said originally and my therapist said, I will work it out next year. Well, good news is my breasts will be very nice and I will decide what I will do next year. There are lots of options and I will pick one.

I know that sounds simple but it took me 9 months to accept the reality. If I want to go to the beach pick an option and go to the beach. I will be 1.25 years on HRT and in an awkward period of appearance. Taking my shirt off on the beach was a huge deal prior to HRT. Now, I think I am gaining coping abilities, my identity, and it will be ok and better than before HRT.

That's funny. Talk about the beach brings back such memories. I lived on the Florida coast & sometimes I would remove all body hair, wig, nice one piece swimsuit with something to make breasts inside, tuck things away, big beach towel, cosmo, etc.... and find a quiet spot on the beach to tan. I was not really passable so it was kind of scarry however it was fun to imagine being a normal woman.

[JoanneB]

This is hard to accept, I know because my therapist told me this every week for about 9 months. I finally realized she is correct. Work on todays issues today and tomorrows issues tomorrow.

+1

I've been hearing essentially the same thing not just from friends, my wife, even myself to some extent. STOP worrying about tomorrows. I chalk my lack of ability to live in the present an occupational hazard. I make a good living "What if'ing" things to death to achieve perfection.

Unfortunately, What if'ing, or playing the "And then what?" game does not work to well when it comes to just living. I may very well be happy with my current status. Found a balance that is mostly working. Certainly my life is far far better now then it has been. But is it fixed? All this embracing my trans nature must lead to _____. And a new round begins.

[MiaOhMya!]

How do we accept reality, that we are transgender, not like everyone else, and that we can't pretend any more to be like everyone else (cisgendered) and that we are going to have to risk losing our loved ones (or for some, employment and social acceptance / social position even) in order to be ourselves?

I believe accepting reality is about taking on that big tough truth that we know is right and facing whatever consequences there MIGHT be.

I say might because it's true: there will be major differences between what you think will happen and what actually does happen. My head was/is my worst enemy. Some of those to whom I most feared coming-out have been my best advocates, so I mean my worst nightmares were much scarier than the reality played out. I was not disowned nor beaten down, though I did face an initial family ban from my neices and minor work consequences ...but that all eased up over time and I learned so much about life from it.

I still keep in touch with old friends, but the dynamics of a few the friendships changed a lot... so I have made new friends. There were some tough go's, but overall it has been SO worth it. As many have mentioned...we seem to get to a point where not transitioning is worse than facing reality.

Please hear this thought however: Just because I transitioned does not mean I'm over feeling like I "pretend" to be like everyone else. This has been the hardest on me as everyone thinks I'm a cisgendered female, I feel like I am a regular female, and yet there's always this reality that I'm not cisgendered. Now I'm just Mia to everyone...I'm just a regular girl...but I'm not...but I am. Yeah yeah it's semantics, but accepting I was trans turned out to be so easy compared to allowing myself to just get over it and stop second-guessing myself...that has been the toughie and four years later of full-time I'm still working on it. I realise now that four years is not much time to process all that's changed,  but before transition four years full-time seemed like plenty of time to get "it".

I wanted and always dreamed of my own kids, a husband, high school dances and all the normal crap and, well, I just hafta get over the fact that it will never happen like that for me...and yet now I am the happiest I have ever been. Heck, I'm giddy!  Find yourself the happiest life you can get out of this situation, because it IS out there love...

[Tanya W]

there will be major differences between what you think will happen and what actually does happen.

This is a message I have received again and again in life. Since admitting to myself I am trans, the frequency with which this fact repeats itself seems to have increased many-fold. Still I don't remember, though. Truth: What I think and what reality actually is are not necessarily one and the same.

I came out to a friend recently. Before we spoke I was full of what I was certain would happen - at best, a polite 'Uh huh,' and then nothing. Well, we've been in touch every day since. He's asked some amazing questions, offered a few great insights, shared a bit more about his life. In short, there were major differences between what I thought would happen and what actually did happen.

So how to accept this reality? For me, a first step involves recognizing I may have no idea what 'this reality' actually is. This does not ensure that everything I encounter goes smoothly, etc... It does, however, undermine a tremendous source of tension: My tendency to believe my own catastrophizing version of things. It lets me relax just a little.

[Jennygirl]

I think it's a balancing of foreseen pro's and con's. That is the major difficulty when considering transition...

you might ask
- how will I look? will I pass?
- will people accept me?
- will I regret going through with it?
the kicker:
- will I be happier, all things considered?

Ultimately, you will only be able to live and accept a new reality if you try. Luckily, we have places like this to help inspire (as it did for me). I had so many doubts at first, but knew that if I gave it my all I would likely be even happier in life than I already was.

It's something you have to work for... something you have to strive for and want to do. No amount of waiting or idling around will help you accomplish transitional goals. This is major stuff, you have to launch yourself into it with everything you've got... It is a chance to revitalize the feeling that body, mind, and human interaction are the most important ongoing projects of a person's lifetime (trans or not).

Possibly the most important life lesson I have learned through this is: you must be able to love and appreciate your life regardless of what state you are in (pre-transition / post / non-transition). If you aren't happy with yourself, it's time to start doing something about it. No matter how big or small, each action in a pursuit toward happiness is an action worth taking.

[Cindy]

My reality was having to be me.

In my situation in life and at work was that no one would ever forget that I once presented as a guy.

I had to accept me, and it was the acceptance of me by me that was the drive.

By accepting myself I have received acceptance from others. They may not understand why and what I have done, particularly guys, but the sheer fact and obvious changes in me, my life, my presentation and most of all my total acceptance of myself has forced them to see what is real.

I, myself, Cindy, is the real me.

If I am rejected by people, I have to be honest and say I don't care.

If people cannot accept me, ultimately what does it matter as long as I accept me?

[Eva Marie]

I am struggling with this. Reality smacked me in the face recently.

Some days my reality is that I see a girl in the mirror. Some days I see a dude. I can deal with that, because I know that a lot of that is just in my head.

My therapist wants me to be thinking about my coming out process, and I'm doing that. I'm out to my wife and kids and have a letter drafted to send to my parents soon. That was a big hurdle that's now almost complete.

Things were moving along, albeit haltingly, with my transition and I was OK with that. I think that I am fitting better and better into my new role, and I'm mostly enjoying the experience of getting to be the real me. I was only occasionally getting the random, odd stare/clocking from people, even with my voice that I haven't done much work with yet.

Then I started investigating coming out at work and ran into a huge roadblock. I talked a person that had been suddenly & unceremoniously let go (who is trans) to find out what happened to her. Basically the company seemed to be looking for an excuse to fire her and found one, and it wasn't for job performance reasons. She is a very accomplished sysadmin, and was able to land a job with the company that makes our computers after she was let go from my company. Her advice? Don't come out at this company; they are a small company and are vindictive, in spite of their published anti-discrimination policy.

Uh oh.....

I'm not in a position to just be able to find another job right now; I have many years of experience doing what I do which is very specialized and there just aren't many open positions for my kind of work available right now, especially for a transitioning trans woman. I need time to learn some other job skills in case I find myself out of work at this company.

So now I don't know what to do. Move forward? Be a part time trans woman? Put things on hold? Stop entirely? And then there are the things that are in progress - my boobs are itching like crazy and are getting bigger by the day, and I'm looking more femme every day too. I'm starting to get weird looks when I'm in boy mode now; it's just a matter of months until that's going to be a big problem for me.

I cannot jeopardize this job right now, too many people are counting on me to be a breadwinner.

So I don't know what to do.

Reality is a hard wall to run smack into, and it sucks.

[FrancisAnn]

Looking in the mirrow seeing all my gray facial hair is reality enough. Hope my electrolysis nice lady can erase some reality today.

[Mogu]

You know what I did? Listed reasons why. I'm a person that needs some kind of evidence to convince themselves of such a major decision. So I wrote and rewrote several times why I'm a woman. Looked at my history, recorded my thoughts and feelings, stared philosophically into the distance, stuff like that.

I actually have a word document "Why I'm a girl". Only confirmed that coming out has made me so much happier.

One thing I explained to a therapist of mine is how I feel about the words husband and wife. When I say husband, and think about what that means, I don't feel much, at most a sense of exasperation. When I say wife and think about that, I get sort of happy and warm, I really want to be a wife.

[JoanneB]

You know what I did? Listed reasons why. I'm a person that needs some kind of evidence to convince themselves of such a major decision. So I wrote and rewrote several times why I'm a woman. Looked at my history, recorded my thoughts and feelings, stared philosophically into the distance, stuff like that.

I actually have a word document "Why I'm a girl". Only confirmed that coming out has made me so much happier.

I am sort of terrified about such an undertaking, Pro/Con lists come easy for me. But WHY I am a woman?

For sure I can rattle off plenty of reasons why I am not a "Real Man". Not just my my own reasons which I learned to live with but also those of my ex's. Pain or hate filled words carry a lot more, longer lasting weight 

How much weight can one attach to the biggest reason you have; I feel genuine when I am seen as and accepted as a woman! By most outside observers I not only have been seen as and well accepted as a male, I've also am successful, looked up to and admired. None of which I see, nor can I even rate. It means little to me. A vast improvement compared to the nothing it used to.

Sailing, sailing, what is illusion, what is truth?
Sailing, sailing, over the existential blues.
God bless America, and Old Glory too.
May she always wave o'er us and the red, white and existential
blues.

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/s/stankastbonelyrics/existentialblueslyrics.html

When I wrestle with this dilemma, I follow T-Bomes advice

I said "Oh Wizard, oh wise one, I've come so far to find the truth of life"
He said "Hey, son, slow down, relax. To tell you the truth, son..."
I said "Wizard, that's what I've come to find is the truth"
He said "no, son, you've got me all wrong. To tell you the truth,
son, how can I tell you this? Uh, I've been in this fieldof poppies a long time, myself, and I've come to find, son,that the only truth in life is right here in this bottle."
I said "WIZARD!!!?!??!?"
He said "No, truly, son, in fact, I'd rather have this bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!"

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/s/stankastbonelyrics/existentialblueslyrics.html

[Tanya W]

By most outside observers I not only have been seen as and well accepted as a male, I've also am successful, looked up to and admired. None of which I see, nor can I even rate. It means little to me.

How to accept reality? Sometimes such acceptance comes in bits and bites. Like when I read another's post here and think to myself, 'Oh my, this is exactly how I feel.' And another piece of the facade falls to the floor...