Did They Question Your Sanity?

[Sophia Hawke]

            I think my transition put my mental health history into perspective and has made me feel more sane. Many of my relatives were initially supportive, but some have tried to get me to put the process on hold or stop.  I just let them know, that nothing short my of death is going to stop me from transitioning at this point.  You cant turn a pickle into a cucumber.  Now that i have tasted what it is to be myself, i simply cannot go back to the way i was.
            I have done a few inpatient stays as a teenager.  I think my dad thinks on some level that im just crazy without realizing something important.  In my first hospital stay, i was forced in, since i had planned to get a gun and run away to get a sex change(something that ive not told anyone really, and that the doctors/my parents didnt know).  With all the drugs i was doing to kill the feeling, i also had a break with reality at the time.  The second time cause meds were bad and made me violent(and really, all the meds i was on screwed me up real bad).  And the third(only for 2 weeks), i got forced into inpatient at 17 by my parents for "checking out" my new stepsister lol. Keep in mind, at the time i was 17 and she was 23 and we barely knew each other at all, and she still isnt actually my step sister since my dad never married her mom.  Little did she know at the time, i was more interested in being jealous of her body than any kind of sexual anything.  She's very sensitive too, so little things upset her a great deal, or at least they used to.  It too bad i didn't out myself then and there to save myself the trouble and cost.  I'd be finished with transitioning by now.
            Anyways, best thing you can do know.  Let your doubters know right up front.   You can't and wont be able to let go of this even if you want to.  I've told more than one person, yeah im crazy, this is what i have to do to become sane.  I think once people get the understanding, that you're really serious about this and that there's no other way to continue moving forward in life (or living) without this, that they will become far more understanding.

[RavenMoon]

Wow, thanks for sharing! My dysphoria has also caused me mental health issues. When I was a kid I had constant anxiety. There was always this nervous buzz in the background. It made me painfully shy. I'm still shy to this day, but I can hide it and work around it and most people don't know. I was also called "hyperactive" by doctors. What they now call ADHD. I also suspect I am mildly aspergerish. The biggest clue being I take everything way too literally.

I had migraines every day. I almost don't remember not having a headache. My mom would take me to doctors, but they didn't have much to say. Funny thing is, recently I was at a gig with one of the bands I play with, and I had such a bad migraine that I was slurring my speech and losing my balance. The keyboard player's girlfriend is a nurse and she suffers from migraines too and had some meds. I told her how I've had them since I was a kid and had them everyday. She said "that's odd. That usually only happens with girls!" Uh huh.

When I was in my 20s I had a breakdown and ended up in a psych ward for a couple of weeks. That wasn't fun. Still, I could not get myself to tell them what the problem was. I was way too self conscious and shy about it. I did tell one therapist once, and she kind of dismissed it. So I never brought it up again.

Looking back on my life I can see all the problems it has caused. In the 90s I was treated for anxiety and severe depression.  That was the first time I was on meds. It did seem to help. I'm not constantly anxious anymore.  It just seemed to go away one day. But I have to admit it has resurfaced since I decided to make my transition.  But I think I'm a both overwhelmed and happy at the same time.

I'm constantly amazed by how similar we all are in many ways. After feeling isolated for the past 50 years, I now see I'm in good company. Never realized how many of us there are!

[Sophia Hawke]

Wow, thanks for sharing! My dysphoria has also caused me mental health issues. When I was a kid I had constant anxiety. There was always this nervous buzz in the background. It made me painfully shy. I'm still shy to this day, but I can hide it and work around it and most people don't know. I was also called "hyperactive" by doctors. What they now call ADHD. I also suspect I am mildly aspergerish. The biggest clue being I take everything way too literally.

I had migraines every day. I almost don't remember not having a headache. My mom would take me to doctors, but they didn't have much to say. Funny thing is, recently I was at a gig with one of the bands I play with, and I had such a bad migraine that I was slurring my speech and losing my balance. The keyboard player's girlfriend is a nurse and she suffers from migraines too and had some meds. I told her how I've had them since I was a kid and had them everyday. She said "that's odd. That usually only happens with girls!" Uh huh.

When I was in my 20s I had a breakdown and ended up in a psych ward for a couple of weeks. That wasn't fun. Still, I could not get myself to tell them what the problem was. I was way too self conscious and shy about it. I did tell one therapist once, and she kind of dismissed it. So I never brought it up again.

Looking back on my life I can see all the problems it has caused. In the 90s I was treated for anxiety and severe depression.  That was the first time I was on meds. It did seem to help. I'm not constantly anxious anymore.  It just seemed to go away one day. But I have to admit it has resurfaced since I decided to make my transition.  But I think I'm a both overwhelmed and happy at the same time.

I'm constantly amazed by how similar we all are in many ways. After feeling isolated for the past 50 years, I now see I'm in good company. Never realized how many of us there are!

My depression has been worse since i came out and started transitioning.  Mostly lately, because im broke and cant start hrt or laser.

[RavenMoon]

My depression has been worse since i came out and started transitioning.  Mostly lately, because im broke and cant start hrt or laser.

Yeah, same here.  I have ups and downs. On the bright side I got a business deal going which could start generating much better income. Until that happened I was planning on changing careers and looking for a regular job. Sometimes being self employed sucks.

When I think about how much money I need to save up it makes me depressed. So then I stop and do something else to take my mind off of it. Wish I started this back when I used to make $1,000 a week.    (or at the very least ket a savings account) The 90s was a bad time for me all around.

[Sophia Hawke]

Yeah, same here.  I have ups and downs. On the bright side I got a business deal going which could start generating much better income. Until that happened I was planning on changing careers and looking for a regular job. Sometimes being self employed sucks.

When I think about how much money I need to save up it makes me depressed. So then I stop and do something else to take my mind off of it. Wish I started this back when I used to make $1,000 a week.    (or at the very least ket a savings account) The 90s was a bad time for me all around.

Ive got another thread i posted about this today.  I'm looking into liquidating my business assets and trying to find as much free healthcare as i can, or possibly applying for some disability.  I havent paid taxes in years either, so who knows what if any government services i would be eligible for.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,155848.0.html

I honestly dont think i can maintain my business anymore with my transition.  My job was dangerous as a man even, and im terrified of being raped or murdered.  I just need HRT so bad before summer, dont even think i can last that long anymore, or that it would be responsible to go back to work driving my taxicab(or even safe as an open and sometimes obvious transexual.)

[RavenMoon]

I just signed up for the ACA, and with my income level it should be pretty cheap.

I work entirely from home, and when I'm very busy hardly leave the apartment. I was a bit anxious thinking about if I got a different job, I'd be transitioning after I started working there. That has to be awkward. 

Good luck to you with everything! I always remind myself the old Buddhist saying; "We are what we think." So stay positive and visualize your transition outcome. Don't let that slip away!    We will get there.

[Missy~rmdlm]

This is why I've told pretty much no one I'm on HRT and plan going full time in June, and won't until I'm just at the point of going full time. That way they won't have to imagine (along with their various prejudices) what I will be like as a woman because there I'll be. First time I tried transition I was telling people months out from when I was going full time and really it wasn't worth it in most cases.

A couple things: It was 25 days from wide disclosure to filing my legal name change.
Oh hell yes I have had numerous people question my therapy. I'm very cagey about my treatment with family, ( which is robust with seven different doctors involved,) I can only assure them I'm seeing the best there is available.

[Kaitlin4475]

... And being hated by  ignorami everywhere?

That made me laugh

[Megumi]

I learned very early on in life around 6 years old that I needed to hide how I felt. That was from what I learned by being bullied by other kids and a few parents. Because of that nobody in my family knew which I still find odd because I know some things had to get out from time to time but were ignored. Then you factor in being put into just about every macho position possible by my parents and I learned that a guy can only act one way and because of that I kept my feelings hidden for years. Well after I came out and still to this day that's one of two big hang up my family has.
1, being that I never acted like a girl ever and that there's just no way I know how I feel about myself as being a woman "who's the crazy one there that I don't know how I feel but my family does?"
2, they are so hung up on sexual preference being 100% related to gender identity. I can't for the life of me get them to understand that they are completely separate.

So they question my sanity which anybody would in this case but you would hope that would end once they see how serious you are and how happy you become when you are who you've always been but couldn't be.

[LordKAT]

I think I questioned my own sanity far more than other people did. I still do.