Online dating question

[suzifrommd]

I've opened a profile on OKCupid. It appears that when you see someone's profile you like, you send them a message.

What should I put in those messages?

[VeronicaLynn]

I find I get more responses if I ask them a question, rather than some paragraph about myself that reads like I say the same thing to everyone on there, which is what a lot of people do. Usually I ask something about their profile, though some profiles don't lead to interesting questions.

[Constance]

What I do is read their whole profile and go through the questions they've answered first. Then in my message, I try to take something from their profile, or if they've added an explanation to a question they'd answered, and use that as a starting point for a conversation.

But just so you know, my success rate with OKC hasn't been very good yet. I do disclose my trans status in my profile, and maybe there just isn't a market for middle-aged bisexual trans women on OKC in my area.

[Brooke777]

I don't actually write people first, but I can tell you the types of messages that work for me.

The ones that follow what Constance said, are the best. Especially if they do give a few talking points about themselves, and ask me a couple of questions. You need to show that you actually want to get to know them as a person, and provide them with a reason to write you back. My favorite ones have been about half a page or longer, with absolutely no mention of my physical appearance. I don't want their first message to be about how physically attractive they think I am.

Good luck hon.

[Mogu]

Ok Cupid actually did these cool statistical analyses(es?) of their website data and had a look at messages. It's called Ok Trends, you can find it if you google.

Basically, they found that the messages with the highest response rate-
-Are literate, avoid "net-speak"
-Don't use physical compliments (sexy, beautiful, hot, cutie, are turn offs)
-Use an unusual greeting (how's it going, what's up, howdy)
-Bring up specific interests
-Guys should be self-effacing
-Don't mention god, even better, become an atheist

[FrancisAnn]

I opened a OKCupid page 6 months ago & under sex I listed female. However I stated up front that I was a MtF woman, taking HRT........ & searching for a man so there would be no misunderstandings. I received several responces from men all over the USA.

If that helps you?

TSdating.com has also produced 15-20 men all over the USA wanting a MtF person/woman.

[BunnyBee]

If you disclose on your profile you basically filter out everybody but ->-bleeped-<-s.  Some ->-bleeped-<-s can be okay seeming, but I can't get over feeling like I am a fetish for them, not to mention them being interested in something that disgusts and horrifies me about my body.  Most of them seem like weirdos too, tbh.

If you don't disclose till you have exchanged enough messages with a guy that you feel like you may actually like them, then when you disclose, 90% will be like whoa I would have never guessed, but I can't deal with it, and then, now that you feel terrible, they want to ask you 20,000 questions and it gets annoying.

The two above scenarios were so annoying and disheartening that I never got to option three which is to disclose after a few actual dates.  Friends tell me you have a lower rate of rejection that way, probably 50-60% can't deal, but disclosing is a lot more awkward and nerve-wracking too.

The fourth scenario is probably only for post-ops, which is to wait a super long time, or just don't ever disclose.  This has many pros and cons and is something that is a personal choice you have to make.

For me, being pre-op, my best candidate was a ->-bleeped-<-ish guy that found me while looking for cis girls.  He didn't seem like a creep, but ultimately I just couldn't deal with my trans status being attractive to him.  i do sometimes wonder if I made the right choice tho (probably not) but you just have to listen to your instincts sometimes.  Now I am not trying to date anymore.

[FrancisAnn]

It was very frustrating also for me. I also stated up front that I had no interest in Gay men & that I was a woman searching for a "straight" man that loved women. Even so still numerous gay men responded. I've dated numerous men earlier in life & it has always been confusing even though I've tried my best to let a man know that I just want him to be a man. For him to just relax. However they always seemed to change.

I'm hopeful maybe within one year to complete my SRS. That will be a great day & maybe after then I can return to searching for a nice straight man. 

[Just Shelly]

If you disclose on your profile you basically filter out everybody but ->-bleeped-<-s.  Some ->-bleeped-<-s can be okay seeming, but I can't get over feeling like I am a fetish for them, not to mention them being interested in something that disgusts and horrifies me about my body.  Most of them seem like weirdos too, tbh.

If you don't disclose till you have exchanged enough messages with a guy that you feel like you may actually like them, then when you disclose, 90% will be like whoa I would have never guessed, but I can't deal with it, and then, now that you feel terrible, they want to ask you 20,000 questions and it gets annoying.

The two above scenarios were so annoying and disheartening that I never got to option three which is to disclose after a few actual dates.  Friends tell me you have a lower rate of rejection that way, probably 50-60% can't deal, but disclosing is a lot more awkward and nerve-wracking too.

The fourth scenario is probably only for post-ops, which is to wait a super long time, or just don't ever disclose.  This has many pros and cons and is something that is a personal choice you have to make.

For me, being pre-op, my best candidate was a ->-bleeped-<-ish guy that found me while looking for cis girls.  He didn't seem like a creep, but ultimately I just couldn't deal with my trans status being attractive to him.  i do sometimes wonder if I made the right choice tho (probably not) but you just have to listen to your instincts sometimes.  Now I am not trying to date anymore.

Jen, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles

I am currently in a getting to know type relationship, it has started by using option 3!!! I never tried option 1, no way was it an option I was willing to try, option 2 I may do eventually...will have to see how option 1 goes!!

I just want to have a normal courtship any other female would have....I'm not going to jump in the sack with anyone even after  a couple of dates....so what I have to work with does not matter currently. I want someone to get to know me and I want to know them...it is a bit difficult being even more stealth than I already am, and if things start to look good I will tell him. I'm not going to be in a relationship having to tell lies...and worst yet trying to hide something that is a bit more visual 

Jen, I have read many of your posts...and I feel I know you a bit. I agree with ending the relationship you were in...even though the thought of someone is better than no one comes in to mind....pleas know you can and will do better!! Don't give up you deserve to be loved like any other women!

[Constance]

If you disclose on your profile you basically filter out everybody but ->-bleeped-<-s.

If this is true, then there are women, FTMs, and MTFs on OKC who are "->-bleeped-<-s."

[BunnyBee]

I was just ranting is all, don't mind me, hehe.  I DID say 'basically' though .

Ty Shelly

[Brooke777]

If this is true, then there are women, FTMs, and MTFs on OKC who are "->-bleeped-<-s."

Actually, there are. I have even met a few in person. Anyone can be a ->-bleeped-<-, despite their gender.

I have found that stating that ->-bleeped-<-s should not contact you, and that you do not want to have sex anytime soon helps weed out the ->-bleeped-<-s quite well. Also, if you filter for bisexual people, it seems to help some too. That has just been my experience.

[Constance]

Hmm, my profile is currently set so that straight people can't see me, otherwise I got some really creepy contacts.

[Brooke777]

Hmm, my profile is currently set so that straight people can't see me, otherwise I got some really creepy contacts.

That is how mine is as well.

[Constance]

Yeah. I tried recently to let straights see my profile and I was very quickly reminded why I didn't want that to happen. 

Addendum: At the same time I can't help but think that's bit reactionary. Sure, I got some contacts that made me uncomfortable, but maybe filtering out all straights is too strong an approach. But ... shudder ... I can't think of a better option right now. 

[Brooke777]

Yeah. I tried recently to let straights see my profile and I was very quickly reminded why I didn't want that to happen. 

Addendum: At the same time I can't help but think that's bit reactionary. Sure, I got some contacts that made me uncomfortable, but maybe filtering out all straights is too strong an approach. But ... shudder ... I can't think of a better option right now. 

If you are living totally stealth, then yeah, let the straights look. But from my experience, being out as trans, letting them look yields some rather scary results. But to each their own.

[Devlyn]

A Susan's Member viewed my profile but didn't make contact....yet! 

[Constance]

A Susan's Member viewed my profile but didn't make contact....yet! 

I haven't found your profile, but I'll say this: I wish we didn't live on opposite sides of the country.

[Devlyn]

I'm on POF, I just decided to tag onto this thread, and

I haven't found your profile, but I'll say this: I wish we didn't live on opposite sides of the country.

<blushing>

[Nicolette]

If this is true, then there are women, FTMs, and MTFs on OKC who are "->-bleeped-<-s."

The horror. Every single male-presenting '->-bleeped-<-' I ever got to open up to me revealed a transgender nature. Everyone's chasing something, straight, bi or gay.