Lesbian feminist tries out male privilege. Prefers female privilege.

[dalebert]

She's writing a book called Self-made Man. She lived as a man for months as an experiment and came out of it with a surprising amount of empathy.

[Edge]

That was interesting. Thank you for sharing.

[Violet Bloom]

  This was a very positive lesson that really needs to be heard by many women, not necessarily just feminists, although they may not be able to fully grasp the reality without being able to experience it first-hand.  At the same time I found it difficult to watch because of my own experience in life trying to fit into a man's world as a non-masculin male.  It really hit home how much my mental identity aligns with the cis female's and how this led to enormous anxiety and marginalism for me.  I ended up driven towards women as an outlet for my confusion and frustration because it was impossible to discuss things like this within my male peer group.  My sexuality is almost fully mental and I've never felt any connection to the normal patterns and drives of male behavior.

  All of this stuck me in a horrible purgatory, trapped between everyones' different inabilities to connect my birth gender with my actions.  Men never felt fully comfortable around me but would always come to me if they needed to confide about problems in their lives.  This made me feel used because otherwise they had very little interest in socializing with me.  Women would either ignore me for not being a masculine stereotype or automatically strike me down for the faults of the male population.  Women, just as with men, would really only interact with me if they needed to confide about problems in their lives or required my skills to complete a task for them.  This also made me feel used because they needed that of me but discarded the rest when done.  Often this was with the assumed justification that I wouldn't suffer emotionally because I was male or it was okay to hurt my feelings because men on the whole "deserved it".

  Virtually no ordinary straight person ever was driven to seek a relationship with me or felt sexually attracted to me physically or mentally because I was a discordant mix of gender traits in their eyes.  Feminists would do well to understand that the dismissal and outright aggression they've shown towards me solely based on my birth gender is exactly the same thing they complain about happening to them at the hands of men - that my substance is irrelevant.  I feel I'll never be free from this unless I can completely pass as a woman after transition.

  Thank-you dalebert for posting this.  It is one of the most relevant pieces I've seen to help explain my personal struggle growing toward a trans identity, even though the story was written around and depicted mostly gender normative roles.  I would really love to see someone try this experiment acting as a stealth transperson and guaging if the stresses throughout and the reactions after the reveal were similar.

[dalebert]

You're quite welcome. In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably point out that it's not recent. It was new to me, however, and I didn't realize this came out several years ago.

[Just Shelly]

This was very interesting!

It goes to show that you can't fake being the other gender...it will screw you up. HRT does rewire a brain but not entirely...there are still many traits in me that could be classified as male....some of these are fading because of the way I am treated as a woman...and some may always stay with me. Only time will tell.

As far as sexual feelings being below the waist for men...I think this is right on. This has changed in me dramatically!

I don't try to change how I feel or think...so much of me is the same...as just as much is different.

[suzifrommd]

Interesting that she found acting as a man so stressful. Shows how damaging it is when you try to act like a different gender than you are. Of course a whole lot of people here at Susan's already knew that...

[Violet Bloom]

Interesting that she found acting as a man so stressful. Shows how damaging it is when you try to act like a different gender than you are. Of course a whole lot of people here at Susan's already knew that...

  I found it even more interesting that cis men seem to be getting damaged because of the way they are expected to behave and contain stress/emotions.  Some of it is instinct but a lot of it is conditioning.

[Shantel]

  I found it even more interesting that cis men seem to be getting damaged because of the way they are expected to behave and contain stress/emotions.  Some of it is instinct but a lot of it is conditioning.

Most male behavior is learned a very small percentage is actually testosterone driven.

[Robin Mack]

Thank you so much for sharing this... I cried.  Hard.  It was nice to have a CIS person validate what I (and most of us) have felt about our trans* status. 

*hug*

[Tanya W]

All of this stuck me in a horrible purgatory, trapped between everyones' different inabilities to connect my birth gender with my actions.

A wonderfully / horribly articulate description of how I feel as well, Violet. An eye-opening ricochet off the original video post, one that resonates in many, many ways.

As for that initial post, the acknowledgement of the stress inherent in living within a gender role that does not fit literally choked me up.

[Robin Mack]

A wonderfully / horribly articulate description of how I feel as well, Violet. An eye-opening ricochet off the original video post, one that resonates in many, many ways.

Hear, hear... beautifully, poetically rendered, Tanya.

As for that initial post, the acknowledgement of the stress inherent in living within a gender role that does not fit literally choked me up.

I think I may have experienced my very first strong trigger.  It made me realize how I feel, how I have felt, so strongly I literally cried for several minutes.  I'm at work so hiding in the dark is not an option.  Back into my male mask I went, trying to lose myself in analytical tasks, as I have done all my life when emotions surge (except, lately, when I can be *myself* anywhere but at work).

*hug*

[dalebert]

Maybe I should have put a trigger warning. I'm afraid I'm pretty ignorant about many of the things that can be triggering for different people.

[Violet Bloom]

  I'm going to place red triple-asterisks in front of potentially troubling content from now on.  Maybe we can try to make this a formal shorthand on Susan's.  It's easy to read and easy to type.  If in doubt I will err on the side of using them.

Maybe I should have put a trigger warning. I'm afraid I'm pretty ignorant about many of the things that can be triggering for different people.

  I'm not sure you could have known.  I was quite surprised over and over again as the video progressed just how much of what Norah discovered unintentionally resonated with my life experience and as a budding transperson.

***Before coming out to myself this would have opened the floodgates for me due to my severe depression and sense of helplessness about my state of being.  I literally felt like an alien species, had no idea whatsoever what to do about it and suffered physically for many years as the effects compounded and my mental state deteriorated.  Now I'm on a stable footing and a path I'm confident in so the video is more refreshing than triggering to me.

***Thanks Tanya and Robin though for reminding everyone just how powerful this is for many.  If a not-so-femme lesbian has to check in to a hospital with major depression issues after only weeks of exposure to performing a gender act, a lifetime of this is clearly immeasurably damaging for us trans folks.  All cis people should have to watch this video and then attempt to factor up the experience to our level.  Then perhaps we would be offered more understanding.

[JenSquid]

Thank you for posting this.
Having to live a role that doesn't fit is immensely frustrating, as is the constant fear of being found out. I would also agree that our social structure is emotionally suffocating for men.
I thought it was interesting how she was hitting a breaking point at the end, as that's very much what happens to us.

[Just Shelly]

I don't want to make light of what any others are struggling with while watching this video....but to me it just confirms that transitioning from one gender to another is not something that can be done just because it is  something of a dream, experiment, fetish, fantasy, or just plain wanted! It is something WE need to do!!

This was someone very comfortable in her gender, and maybe even comfortable coming across as more of a butch lesbian, this may have helped her adjust to being more accepted, but because she was comfortable in her current gender this proved to be the downfall.

I have always told anyone that questioned my intentions as to why I need to transition and tell them to try it their self even for just a day....they  would not feel very comfortable and definitely wouldn't after almost 3 years, for which I am at now! As for me I still have new experiences good and bad...I have easily adjusted to some of the privileges women have....but still struggle at times with the privileges I have lost...such as now I know much more less than what I did before!! Apparently to some!

[Shantel]

Thank you for posting this.
Having to live a role that doesn't fit is immensely frustrating, as is the constant fear of being found out. I would also agree that our social structure is emotionally suffocating for men.
I thought it was interesting how she was hitting a breaking point at the end, as that's very much what happens to us.

Extremely, totally stuffed emotions, emotionally unavailable, like the light is on but no-one's home! Thank God for our personal women's liberation from that bondage!

[Natkat]

Thanks for posting.

I am mostly interesteed on the role she had living on how men and women are threated diffrently in all small casual situation.

It said Women are threated worse but as she mention I dont belive its so, I belive men and woman are both threated in a bad way, Women dont want to be the victim and men do not want to be the bad guy. I also felt that during transition, I had points in the female role I hate, but the same goes for the male.

before I had abit of trouble being viewed as masculine and expected to be femenine and now its opposite.
-
I think a small part has to do with homones but Alot has to do with culture. theres cultures like India where being gay is bad, yet you can go hand in hand with a guy friend and bond abit simual to what western girls can do with there friends without being suspected to be lesbians. In Western culture showing fellings for other men  are kind of implying there weak or homosexual.

I belive she made a good point in that both men and women have privilegde and challengins but there in diffrent ways.

[Shana-chan]

I am interested in watching the vid but don't want too if what I'm about to ask won't help. My question is, if someone whose not a trans person watches this vid, will the vid be able to help show them what you all have been saying, that you can't fake this and can't live a gender role that's not the gender you are? I'm trying to get my Dad and step mom to see but it's like talking to a brick wall, more so for my Dad. (I told them days before thanksgiving)

[Tanya W]

if someone whose not a trans person watches this vid, will the vid be able to help show them what you all have been saying, that you can't fake this and can't live a gender role that's not the gender you are?

This is a very good question, Shana-chan, one I have been considering myself. In my own words, might this clip be helpful tool in educating others about the situation I find myself in regarding gender?

On the whole, I feel the clip has a lot going for it in this regard. It is professionally made and was aired by a mainstream broadcaster - which speaks to the issue of conventional legitimacy. The person at the centre of the piece identifies as cis, not trans - which speaks to the issue of accessibility for our cis friends and family. And it does address the issue of gender / living a gender you are not - which speaks to the issue of relevance.

All this said, however, as I watched I kept thinking the clip had been written and edited by cis, not trans folks. Again and again, the focus chose to remain on the difference between men and women, or the novelty factor of the whole exercise (i.e.: how did your react when you found our Ned was Norah?), when it could have looked a little more closely at the gender dynamics being illuminated / played out.

This is not a criticism, just an observation - one made with the question above in the back of my mind. Because of this, however, I have concluded that, while the piece has some value in sharing with others what so many of us have had to live with, this value is limited by the focus of the clip / the way it has been put together.

If, however, one was willing to sit with the others while the clip was playing and offer some sort of running commentary that would slip a more overtly and personally trans perspective into the experience, I think these limits would be hugely mitigated. And then, when the piece neared it's end and Norah started to crack under the pressure of living a gender she does not relate to, I believe the resonance and impact would be considerable. Perhaps even a, 'Oh my, is that what you go through all the time!?!?' kind of moment.

[Robin Mack]

...

All this said, however, as I watched I kept thinking the clip had been written and edited by cis, not trans folks. Again and again, the focus chose to remain on the difference between men and women, or the novelty factor of the whole exercise (i.e.: how did your react when you found our Ned was Norah?), when it could have looked a little more closely at the gender dynamics being illuminated / played out.
...

It was a piece about an author of a book who was exploring the differences in gender-based living from two sides... definitely put together by CIS people for CIS people, and the author herself is CIS, so I didn't find it surprising that this was how they presented it... but I think *because* of that it can yield more insight to potential CIS allies.  It's one of their own experiencing being in the wrong gender and needing to be hospitalized because of it.

If, however, one was willing to sit with the others while the clip was playing and offer some sort of running commentary that would slip a more overtly and personally trans perspective into the experience, I think these limits would be hugely mitigated. And then, when the piece neared it's end and Norah started to crack under the pressure of living a gender she does not relate to, I believe the resonance and impact would be considerable. Perhaps even a, 'Oh my, is that what you go through all the time!?!?' kind of moment.

Exactly.  Or, in my case, "Oh my, how the hell did I manage to make it so long?"  Answer:  Poorly. 

*hug*