Cheating Relationship Advice Please?

[omysoul]

Hi I'm new to this forum and looking for an outside perspective. Any advice of thoughts are greatly appreciated.

I'm a woman in a relationship with a loving boyfriend, who happens to be transgendered. We've been together for nearly a year and overall things have been really great. We have great sex, we get along very well, and I feel very fulfilled. A few months ago I had a feeling that he was hiding something from me. I thought it was one of two things: him cheating or him doing hard drugs. I started checking his phone and his room for evidence and I found clues, but was never certain of what exactly he was hiding. He left his email open on my computer and I figured out what he was hiding, he has been cheating on me for the past 6 months. I found craigslist casual encounter posts, all with men. Obviously, I'm devastated that he's been dishonest with me. I thought we had good communication and I asked him more than once if he had the desire to be with someone else or to cheat on me, then break up with me first. I didn't want to go through this. I had asked him numerous times if he wanted different things in our sex life and that I was open to just about anything, but he never said anything. He told me that he has sex with men because he hates himself, the feeling makes him feel disgusted, and the disgust matches up with his self image. He's been hooking up with people this way for over 5 years, but never in a committed relationship with a man. I asked him if he wanted a boyfriend or the companionship of a man, but he said no. He told me that he wanted to be with me and get better. I asked him if he'd rather be with me or be single and continue to hook up with men and he chose me. He is currently in therapy and has been for a long time. I think a big part of me rationalizes everything because I do love him and realize that he's had an incredibly hard life. He has issues with being transgendered and embarrassed of it. I've been incredibly supportive and tell him positive things all of the time. I tell him how attracted I am to him and how much I love his body constantly. He's more of a man than any of the cisgendered men I've been with in my whole life. He made a mistake and he's not a terrible person. I want to support him and I want to get past everything. I'm mad at him, but in my head I'm also trying to empathize with him at the same time. I know I can't fix or change him. He has to do that himself.  I'm just worried that I won't be able to trust him and that even trying may lead to failure. I don't want to be a fool, but I also don't want to walk away.

[Tessa James]

Tough situation it seems.  But to be clear your boyfriend is transgender as in male to female?  I was not sure because you use he and him pronouns.  Where ever a person is on the gender spectrum I think we all prefer honesty especially if it involves intimacy with others.  Essentially whoever else he may go to bed with you also share the risks.  It seems you may have some issues to talk over as calmly as possible.  He might just be cruising craigslist so no need for accusations?  I have a bisexual orientation and can readily understand being attracted to all kinds of people.  Making a commitment, however, is the same for a bi person, we honor it and the person we are with.
I wonder what he means by "getting better?"  We do not, of course, cure or grow out of being transgender.  Being transgender I wonder too if he likes his body as much as you do?
You did mention the key element of trust and I agree that it is an essential part of a significant relationship.  Trust is earned and sadly like love it can be lost.  We are not, IMO, a fool when we are loving and trusting but we can be deceived.
Thank you for checking in with us here.  I appreciate that you would seek advice from others in the transgender community.  He/she is a lucky person to have you care so much.

[SunKat]

I don't have any advise about the cheating, but I may be able to shed some light on the lying.  When you love someone but you are ashamed of your needs or how you are feeling, then being honest with them about it can be very difficult.  How do you tell the one person in your life that you are most afraid of losing that you have needs or desires that they may find disgusting? You already hate yourself, so why shouldn't you assume that truly sharing your thoughts and feelings with them will make them hate you as well?

Even if your partner lets you know they are up for "just about anything"... if the "anything" that you need makes you feel ashamed or disgusted with yourself then you won't feel comfortable admitting it.

Please realize that whatever drives your partner to seek out these encounters may actually be something that you would find normal and easy to accept, but for them it may seem like a dark secret.  There isn't a rational logic behind what we feel ashamed of. 

As to why they seek out these encounters... there is some need that these encounters are fulfilling and it may not be strictly about sex.  It could be a latent attraction to men or it may simply stem from a need for validation as a woman. It may come from a desire to be 'taken'... and therefore to not be at 'fault' for their desires. It could also be a self-destructive desire, a form of self punishment. The thing is, you might not find out just by asking them and they may be unclear themselves or in denial about what they are getting from these encounters.

I can't make any specific suggestions without knowing more, but since your first suspicions were drug use or cheating you may want to consider whether you want to take the effort to work through this  You might want to go see a couples therapist, but barring that I have a few general suggestions.  (MTF perspective)

Some issues are easier to write about than they are to talk about.  When talking about a difficult or emotional topic I tend to be emotionally overcome or plagued by inner dialog and defenses to my partner's reactions. I tend to freeze up and quit communicating.   Writing allows me to gather my thoughts and take my time. And it allows the other person time to process the issue and work through their reaction before responding.   

Try starting an email correspondence with your partner. Try to be honest and write out those things that you can never seem to say face to face.  You should also both agree not to verbally discuss what you are writing until you both agree that the issue is resolved and you are comfortable talking about it.

Since this involves sex, rather than writing about it you and your partner may find it easier to share links to stories, fantasies or articles that have elements that appeal to you.  Discuss in email what aspects of the story or article are appealing and why.  Be sure to differentiate between what fantasies you would each want fulfilled and which ones are best as just fantasies.  (Which ones are which can change over time.)  For your partner, pay special attention to any aspects that are less sexual and more emotional or situational in nature. You have a better chance of fulfilling their need if what trips their trigger involves being dominated or treated like a woman rather than an actual yearning for manflesh.

I hope that is helpful.  I appreciate that you're reaching out for help in dealing with your transgendered partner.  Please be sure to take equal care of your own needs, self-worth and feelings as well.  Blessed Be.

[omysoul]

Thanks so much for the advice. I really appreciate it.

Tessa, my boyfriend is female to male. He wasn't just cruising craigslist, he acted upon it and admitted to me that he's been hooking up with men while we've been together and has been for the last 5+ years. We've been together for a year. By "getting better" I think he means to be faithful to me and express to me his needs and desires more, even if he is ashamed of them. I don't want to be in an open relationship and I asked him if he could commit to only me versus being single and hooking up with whoever he wanted. He said he wanted to be with me and stop the hookups.

SunKat, thanks so much for your advice. It is very helpful to me. My big hope is now that this is all in the open that if he continues to have a desire to hook up with random men, he will talk to me about it and I can help him find other solutions or change some of the things we do in our sex life to make it more fulfilling to him. I feel very fulfilled with our sex, the only thing that would make me feel even better is if I could make him more satisfied and give him anything that he may be lacking. I just hope that now he'll be able to express things and realize that I really am "up for anything" and that he shouldn't be ashamed or feel guilty about any desires. I want everyone to honor their desires and have what they need to feel good. I just don't want to be hurt or deceived in the process of that.

I guess the huge question that I have is should I stick by his side and try to work through this? I don't know if I'll completely move past it and I don't know if he can change. He had drug problems in the past that he stopped so I know his willpower is strong and he's capable of anything, but I still feel like I might be foolish for not just walking away.

** I don't know if this is helpful or relevant, but the last committed relationship he was in was over 10 years ago and while in that relationship is when he began his transition. His girlfriend at the time was really supportive and his transition wasn't why they ended things, they just weren't getting along or nice to each other at the end. I'm the only person he's been in a real relationship with since. Everything in the middle has been random hookups with men with no emotional connection. He told me that he always wanted a girlfriend but never thought a girl would ever accept him for the man he is. It makes me really sad that he believed that and I think he still struggles with this all of the time. I'm glad that we met and I've shown him a love that he didn't think could exist, but still frustrated that this love wasn't strong enough to be faithful. Could it ever be, or am I just naive?

[Tessa James]

OK that makes much more sense now, thanks.  Not that it makes it any easier for you but he has some history and patterns that do put your relationship at risk.  So many of us here would love to maintain the love and support of a partner thru challenging times.  I am a romantic and want you to give yourself and your relationship ample time and space to evolve.  You seem clear headed about wanting a commitment and that creates boundaries you and he can discuss and hopefully agree to.  Again, your love and concern for him make you vulnerable to hurt and disappointment but no fool.  To me the real fools are those who take no risk to experience love. 
He says he wants to stop the hook ups and you note he has strong willpower.  Can he adequately demonstrate that trust for you?  It sounds awful sometimes but can you still be loving friends?  He sure sounds like he needs one?